chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
Yah, I have not been posting much. But then I post novels on fb, so maybe I should get back to the online journaling :) Some friends are questing to make Dreamwidth more hopping, so here's my contribution.

Lemme see... February... yes, that continued to suck. I was sick for most of it, and couldn't take time off b/c we were understaffed. We would not be up to fully staffed until August, just in time for me to have two or three sinus infections from late July through last week. *headdesk* So that's still a thing. I think I'm just allergic to summer.


In March, however, my social life took a tiny step forward. In which I rejoin my gamer geek brethren. )

So I'm larping again, and its given me the jump start I needed to get more active in my own life, but now its time to make larp not the only thing I do. There are options, but I'm having some trouble shifting gears.


Jewelry biz is still on hiatus. Tho I made some jewelry for larp costumes earlier this summer, which was a huge deal for me. But I'm still trying to figure out brain problems on that. Have not yet given up.

Sewing keeps on keeping on, but its not as creative for me as jewelry (tho lots of other ppl are super creative sewcialists, certainly). I keep binge-shopping for fabric, tho, and then put a moratorium on it for months at a time, which leads to more binging. Still trying to figure that out too. Making more effort to sew thru my stash rather than buying more stuff for a few months. Between things I want for fall/winter, Halloween, and Arisia, I have plenty of stuff lined up. Started taking 'sewing selfies' for all the linen skirts and knit hoodies I made this summer (and some nice larp costumes, of course), so I might start posting more of that here.

Podcast writing is also still at a standstill. My creative process is kindof broken, still want to get that together tho.

Psychological Evals )

Speaking of hyperfocus, I spent the last weekend entirely in the festival of Discardia. Hail Discardia! )

Jewelry supplies are now more focused geographically, same with fabric supplies plus they're more accessible, so I can do more of the one and buy less for the other hobby. Assuming I remember I have hobbies :-P But maybe with the right treatment I can get back to being creative. And I tried to condense extra linens + larp costume bits into one place, since those might go together next month. And I can take sewing-selfies in the hallway mirror without capturing Costco sized bags of tp in frame, yay?



Upcoming plans include going to NYCC with my Steampunk Babylon 5 cosplay group, going to Arisia this January, and maybe more trips to Boston for MES larps. I have a few cosplay projects I'll be working on for the next few months, maybe? On top of normal clothes I want to sew. SERE is in April but I'm still mulling it over. And there's one larp costume I'm still adding to. Well, one and a half.

Once the constant summer illnesses subside I'd like to start going back to goth clubs, maybe DoV, and would like to try Court of Lazarus again. Still need to try Wits End and Secret Speakeasy. I've become aDC Socials for the local MES group, so I'll be dragging myself and others to more (cheap/free) things, hopefully. KGB readings are kindof awkward for me b/c of the dinner afterwards, but I'd like to go back to NYRSF more regularly. And I'm trying to keep up with IAF meetups, tho the summer illnesses made that tough. And I'd like to see more improv shows, tho I'm not rejoining as a player, it just wasn't a good fit.

Not sure about DragonCon next year, though I do already have a ticket and a room reservation. This year kinda sucked, but all the preplanning in the world can't prevent a sinus infection before/during con :-P But I have plenty of time to think it over. It would be nice to get my creative projects relaunched so I have something to hawk while I'm there. Or get over my dislike of NYCC so I can just have that be my big con of the year. Its just not the same tho.


If there's anything I learned from the (failed) healing hermit quest I attempted in the Spring of 2013, its that I was secretly an extrovert the whole time. I actually need to be around people, and the free association of new ideas and wandering conversations, to get energized and inspired. Whups. That would explain why its easier to keep up with rpg stuff than my own business, there are other ppl already involved. Tho I space out on answering my gamer emails just as much as all the other kinds :-/

<3 Chrysilla

NO-vember.

Dec. 2nd, 2013 08:25 pm
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
November was pretty much a wash. Just ... ugh. One random illness after another, and 2 of 3 were medically induced.

Sick After Sick )

So yah, that wasn't fun. Wednesday I was able to go back to work and eat normally, but from there I went straight to NJ for Turkey Day. My immediate family picked up some nice gf options for me, and at the extended-family party on Turkey Day proper my aunt who has Celiac came out so there were more gf options. Another relative mentioned that Askhenazi Jewish ppl and Irish ppl both have high rates of Celiac, and since that's all of my genetic heritage on Dad's side things make a bit of sense. And then came all the family gossip on old age, estates, etc, and now I freaked out enough to want to start investing my extra $$ more aggressively in 2014. Yay?

And then Black Friday happened, and I participated, but I don't thing going to a NJ craft store on Friday afternoon was so heinous. We drove past the malls, very glad we weren't involved in that craziness. And I picked up materials for *making* presents, so my conscience is clear.

And the BPAL binge happened. In which I can't tell if I have a problem... )

On the other hand, comparing hoarding BPAL to hoarding fabric has made me reframe my costuming plans a bit. In that I'm not sure I want to buy fabric and sew it anymore. Or tackle the giant costume plan I had for DCon. But I've also been sick for all of November, after a crazy sewing binge, so Ima give it a few more months. At least I'm sticking to my plan to not buy new fabric until after January. May take out a jacket pattern during Winter Break, or not, will see. I think sewing is something I should only do in the summer, when its too hot outside to think straight anyway.

A couple weeks ago I had the sudden, serious notion to sell all of my jewelry supplies on Etsy and cash-out of the business. Of course, that would be as much energy as making and selling my own jewerly, so probably won't happen any time soon. But the thought popped up. If someday I have the energy for jewelry again, but I still don't actually want to make any, then I may start working on that. Again, I've been sick for weeks, and I tend to make life-cuts when I feel stuck and frustrated like this. Usually its low key, like throwing out clothes that don't fit me, or empty bottles of hair products under the sink. I hesitate before shutting down a business that took years of my life (and a TON of credit card debt :-P) tho.


That reminds me, I finally cleaned up the bathroom this weekend. Tossed a ton of recyclables and took out a shelving thing that wasn't working in the space. It will live on the balcony until I figure out what to do with it. So that's good. Unfortunately, after the normal weekend chores were done that took up the last of my energy. So I had just enough spoons to overspend my spoons. Thus, I don't feel that much better today than I did for most of November. But I do feel a little better. And November is over, lets see if December is healthier.

And my Dad was nice enough to take the rest of my Discardia bin back to NJ with him, where charity groups will pick stuff up from their house when called. So I've got that little 1.5 x 2.5 bit of floor space back again, which is bigger than you'd think in such a tiny apartment. So the Chantry feels a bit neater overall this week. And I smudged with a nice incense blend I made up, cleansing and protecting. Never used sage before and I have definitely been missing out :-)


While I accomplished many home-things over the weekend (I don't think I've ever crossed out all but one thing on my wknd to-do list, OMG, no wonder I'm tired now) I was very frustrated that I didn't *go out* to do anything. But again, sick for weeks. And Saturday my tummy started trying to reestablish its boundaries and... urgh. So it was probably for the best that I stayed in.

This week, assuming I start getting some spoons back, I'd like to do some of that going-out other ppl talk about. I'm bad at organizing things, so I may default to an improv night. I'd really like to finally see Thor 2, so I might do that right after work on Thursday and then go to SFC after. Or maybe something else will come up. Its weird tho, the events page on my FB account is pretty thin for December, which everyone always says is overbooked.

Sadly this month's Browncoats is a holiday party on LI, so between the tired and the gluten I'm not going to make it. But an old pagan buddy is having her Yule party in the West Village, so that will be nice. There will probably be more holiday parties eventually, but sadly I can't do one of my own anymore. Its just too much work and not enough space. But I do get a solid two weeks off for Winter Break, so I hope I'm healthy enough to go to other ppl's parties this year.


Was looking over con plans for 2014, and after the PA trip earlier this month I'm not sure of ALL THE CONS is such a great idea now. On the other hand, I was already a bit sick when I went to PA. I'm already booked and paid for Arisia, so that's a go. And I'm still leaning towards Dexcon in July, even tho I tend to be sick on 7/4 (then again, I'm *home* on 7/4). So if I just add those to the year, that's three times more cons than usual. Otherwise, I think it might be more worth it to just make an effort to be more social and geeky in NYC, where I know all of my gluten-challanged food options, and I already have a train ticket and a place to sleep.

Maybe that would be a good re-framing exercise. "Am I too tired to go to this thing that's out of the house tonite/this weekend? Well, would it be more or less taxing than going to a new convention in another state?"

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Was feeling mostly OK today, but now my brain seems torn about whether its awake or asleep. Meh.

Really, REALLY poor sleep for the last week. Attack of the heaters & alpha waves )


Really REALLY need to do some housecleaning soon. Upkeep )

At least being so uber-frustrated with my life again led me into a ton of rage-sewing, Finish projects, cut ties )

Will also have to pull out some jewelry supplies this weekend to make wedding gifts, but that shouldn't be so bad. Oh, and my own jewelry for wedding-con, which will be light since I made the whole friking costume myself. *sigh* I've also considered raiding my own stock bins for relevant shinies, cuz its not like anyone's purchased them yet.

Not feeling any pressing need to get back into jewelry right now, aside from this obligation. And now cutting sewing out of my daily life as well. Wondering if I need to add my writing project to the Samhain Sacrifice as well, but then what do I have left? And I am effectively cutting the other projects *for* this other thing. And its the only one that doesn't feel like an obligation now (yet?). I'm also very tired of going to gatherings and having only CF and gluten to talk about, eeek. At least once I get the writings together, it becomes a more social, communal art form after that. And hopefully I'll have the energy to keep up with it.

I guess I'm back to the plan/hope of building myself up to a point where the occasional setback (or SUMMER) doesn't completely paralyze me for weeks/months at a time. And at least writing requires less physical labor than the craft stuff, including wrangling and hauling and shopping for the craft stuff. Its nice having my desk cluttered with stuff that I don't feel guilty about ignoring, b/c its not jewelry supplies.

This week's tarot )

Keeping this week pretty wide open aside from the Witch-stuff on Thursday night. I thought there was also a goth party that night, but can't find it on FB now. Might be a post-Halloween Brooklyn outing on Saturday if I feel OK, might be a Wednesday nite movie if I can still get tix (spazzed out, so probably not). Tuesday Ima try to finish some crafty stuff if I can.

Still too warm to wear my now finished Doom Coat during the day. @#!$#^!#$!@$%~!!!!!!!!!! Will probably wear it to work on Wednesday anyway, to see how it will hold up for Thursday. Otherwise, pretty vintage cut dress + cat ears = enough Halloween for mees.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (witch)
Last week was mostly pretty nice, with a few hiccups along the way. Mostly transit-caused.

Tuesday I got both my BPAL and BPTP orders, yay! Investigated all my new things over the course of the week so I didn't overload my sinuses. BPAL blathering! )

I stayed in Tuesday and Wednesday, partially b/c BPAL, and part b/c I had plans Thursday and Friday. I also baked gf/df cookies on Wednesday which was fun. I tried it with white sugar instead of honey, then a couple tbsp of honey anyway b/c the batter wasn't holding together, and they came out nice and crumbly. And slightly burnt, but in a carmalized way. On Sunday I tried the recipe again with honey and I didn't like them as much. Very simple batter tho, and doesn't make a ton of cookies so I don't have as many to nom. Tho b/c the batter-base is almond butter I *can't* eat all of them at once or I'll asplode from protein overload. On the other hand they don't give me a stomach ache like almond-flour cookies. Almonds are complicated.

The stand mixer still works, but btw that, the crock pot, and my other kitchen devices I may have to reorganize the counter-island again. Meh. Darn tiny kitchen.

Thursday was a very fun IAF meetup. Small, but included two new people from Columbia (the country, not the college) who are building their own SF writing community in their home city. And currently traveling the world to network with people and learn new arts and sciences. Sho much fun! And of course I stayed out too late, forgetting that all of the trains in central Queens were broken. (Monday night too, so I stayed in on Tuesday in part due to sleep dep.) But had good train-luck until I got to Jackson Heights station, where it was suddenly August again :-P

Got home and to bed 90 mins late, but figured I'd be OK to gently push myself through Friday b/c I'd had so much fun. Except around 5:30 I'm woken up by what might be a mousetrap going off, and instead of getting up to go check on things I lay in bed freaking out for another 90 mins. When my alarm went off at 7am it was light enough outside for me to be less freaked, and it turned out something innocuous had fallen over to make that noise. *headdesk* So Friday was a wash. I got thru the work day, did not stick around for the boardgame night I'd been looking forward to, and went right home.

Did some ritualistic things, since it was the so called "Blood Moon", and we had some Things to discuss. That seems to have been a good move. On the way home I picked up some treats for seven days of successful fun-list activities, but ppl were already getting stupid/crazy for the full moon. Great. Best to hide at home.

Saturday was spent with chores and some sewing work, Sunday my Pooka friend stopped by to hang out for a while, and I showed him what its like to use a rotary cutter on knit fabric. And we played with perfumes & tarot cards, and gossiped, and I baked cookies again. Yay for nice afternoon. I then got distracted from *finishing* sewing projects and chores by perfume. Oops. At least I finished the laundry.

Sewing! )

This week the trains don't seem to be broken (so far), but I'm still taking it easy on plans. I have sewing to finish, and both a flu shot and an allergy shot scheduled. There's a steampunk fashion thing happening on Thursday for which I might try to finish Doom Coat, b/c black velveteen goes with everything. A friend wants to go a'gothing this weekend, and its Absolution on Saturday, so will see about that.

Am also nixing that 2-lunches-per-day experiment, b/c it wasn't working out. I ended up with two post-food crashes per day instead of one and a lot more tupperware to wash. It was hard keeping track of my work-flow with two breaks to remember. This week, one lunch one break. If I end up feeling even worse, then I can halve things again next week.

Extended planz )

And in magical mumbo jumbo, gonna be a less than fun week. Tarot & Planets )


Still not getting much writing done, but a friend has an idea for a co-motivational sort of creative group. Maybe that will help?

Based on some of last week's thinky thoughts, wondering if I should start making myself go out every weeknight to see what happens. Well, every night that I'm not recovering from sleep dep or anxiety attacks, or both. In a pinch, there are always several improv-houses willing to take my $$, I'll just skip the bars afterwards. But REALLY want to finish those craft projects this week, so it may be a few more weeks before I have a normal week to try that theory.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (clothes)
Yaaaay, new [profile] s00j album :-D And I got an advanced download of it over the weekend, for purchasing it at Pagan Pride Day. With a fancy sticker :-D


Last week was ... mixed. Wins and Fails )

Weekend = more fun, Pagan Pride, Star Wars, and Fairyland )

There was a LOT of internal kvetching about my stalled out life last week, so on one hand I wonder if that's finally motivating me to change it. To start the small steps that will eventually lead to bigger outcomes. And yoga and writing did happen, and sewing over the weekend, and Pagan Pride Day. But I'm also worried that the kvetching itself, the anger and the frustration, will also drain me. So... not sure what to do about that. Once again, I think the fact that I'm awake enough to be angry is a good sign, but anger itself can make me tired.


Tarot for this week looks... dramatic. Tarot! )

However, this weeks astro stuff seems to be about renewal, and setting up new healthy goals and life habits and such. And blah de blah heart mind balance new moon stuff. OK?


Actually, was already working on some new daily habits. This week Ima try again to split my lunch & break in half, so I don't gorge myself at noon and crash out by the end of the work day. Will see if that helps prevent the brain fog.

That came up in therapy today. Its very hard to figure out *why* the brainfog happens, b/c by its very nature, you can't see or figure out anything when you're in it. B/c its FOG. But I'll try to keep an eye out for triggers this week, even though its hard. At least I'm starting to feel the 'yay, fall!' beat again.


Will try to go right to bed tonight so I can go to a music and literature event tomorrow night (and there are even two to choose from) instead of suffering another Tuesday supercrash. But again, I didn't sleep well last night, and I ate a ton of chocolate today, so we'll see.

The rest of my week is open so far, may keep it that way to work on sewing and otherwise save spoons. In a few weeks it'll be NYCC, which I'm not going to, but I may try some of the after parties. Now that I think of it, there may be a Potterfan meetup on Thursday, but I probably won't go if they're just in the park again.


Another thought tonight- I do kinda miss live theater. But I don't think I can keep up with it physically anymore, except as an audience member (and I even keep failing at that lately). That's why I find podcasting attractive as an artform. I can just do it at my own pace, and broadcast when I'm ready.

And that's been part of the internal kvetching. I don't *think* I can accomplish the projects I want to work on, I *KNOW* I can finish them, and they'll turn out amazing b/c that's what I do. Except that my body won't let me work on them, or even remember that I have plans. Meh. Will figure it out eventually, I hopes.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
So... yah. I posted the last thing, then started getting sick the following Friday, and then it was sinus infection for that whole weekend, and the following week. Today is my first day back at work. Still a little bit congested, but what's really messing me up right now is that my sleep schedule's been frakked. I went to bed at 11pm last night, it took a long time for me to fall asleep, and then I woke up at 7am this morning. I figured I'd doze until 9am, and instead I fell properly asleep again, and got woken up from the middle of a dream-cycle. So now I feel like I haven't slept at all. Meh.

Last week was NOT happy. In the house of sickness )

The year-long tarot forecast I did in May cited 4 of Swords for September, indicating that it would be a chill out, naptime, downtime, stock-taking kind of month. And it made sense, given DCon crash and my usual ragweed problem. But I still hates it when its actually happening. But September is over next week, and October is Strenght, so I'm hoping to get more things done soon. But trying not to push myself given recent illness.


Dad's b'day was last week, and he liked the books I got him: Good Omens, and a Bradbury anthology. But the parental visit that was going to be last weekend got postponed over to this weekend. Still OK tho, yay Bareburger.


Obviously, I'm having more thoughts about how the life changes I'd like to make. And sooner rather than later. But... problems. )

So for now I'm back on If I could just finish this project, and if it became a regular part of my life, it would at least make life more bearable. And maybe if it took off I'd have more options. But when you're all brainfogged, after TWO YEARS of having my life stalled out, its hard to feel optimistic :-/

Had therapy today, and again I'm trying to figure out how much of my CF problem is psychological vs physical now. I've definitely isolated and dealt with (or mostly dealt with) some physical components of the problem. But are there more to find, or am I just stuck in a brain-rut now? Meh. And I am not patient when I'm brain fogged.


This week's social offerings )

Moar sewing: Also started cutting out fabric for the Regency-ish costume for my friend's November wedding. Tho the Doom Coat isn't finished yet, this has a real deadline on it. Cut out the lining to check the fit, next weekend I might cut out the outer layer, or the (easier, previously used pattern) under dress if the neckline matches like I hoped.


So... things. Maybe things will happen this week, maybe I should just continue to keep my head down and wait until next month for real changes. It may just be too easy to hate my life when I have a headcold :-P

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
I've been recovering surprisingly well from DCon this week. Despite con itself, starting the new earlier work schedule, and getting my pest-control-anxiety triggered. Well, the third might be why I'm groggier today than I had been, so meh.

Ordered some online fripperies since I've been home. Fripperies, next DCon, groceries. )


I am seeing news in the lives of some old-demons that is making me kinda cranky. I am hoping to use this crankiness to propel me into greater awesome, rather than make passive aggressive statements on FB (well, aside from this one). At least until I crashed today, darnit.

As I think I mentioned before, it was also annoying not to have any finished projects to tell ppl about at DCon. Now some part of my brain is all "BUT WE ONLY HAVE A YEAR TO FINISH THESE AWESOME IDEAS!!!" *sigh*

Overall, I think I'm going to take my tarot-forecast's suggestions and not push myself to work on these ideas until October. Just enjoy some slow, languid sewing, maybe put more jewelry blog posts up. Chill out and enjoy the autumn power-up without burning myself out :-P. And I have been feeling it, today has just been weird. B/c BUGS. ARGH.



And as for other cons, I'm now 99% sure I'm going to Arisia in 2014, and that will be my con for winter. I figured getting one in quarterly would spread out spoons and monies pretty well. Spring is undecided, summer is obv DCon, autumn will probably be PhilCon *next* year, since this November I have a "Wedding Con" ;-)

This weekend I'll buy an Arisia membership, then see if my trusted associate and I can score a room when the blocks open on 9/10. Tho I'll need to ask ppl if we need to get there on Thursday, or if Friday doesn't really start until sundown. Then maybe I can shave a day off room costs. Tho it would also be nice to have a full night of sleep between travel & con.

Train tickets could be anywhere from $100 to $300 round trip, and I don't really see a difference in trip quality as explained on Amtrak's website (length, time of day, wifi, etc), so I'd rather book all-the-things sooner than later to get cheaper train tix. Tho I guess I could also just book the train first, I don't think this is the sort of con that sells out all its rooms in 15 mins?


And this weekend some friends are planning to stop by the chantry to pick up and drop off various items of import, and hopefully hang out for a bit. This seems like an excellent excuse to bake brownies and do some extra cleaning. And re-do the balcony curtains, but this time with velcro instead of epoxy :-P All the more reason to hit Costco tonite so I can stay in all day Saturday. And a fantastic excuse to put off the laundry until after they visit :-)

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: BEADS!!!!!! (bead bunny)
My energy levels continued to fluctuate for the rest of Friday, but at least my tummy settled down over the weekend. And remembered my vitamins, so headaches have been mild this week.

Did not get around to all of teh projects, but I did complete most of my chores. After putting together my weekly outfits, I went into my closet to see if I could also do my DCon outfits without doing the laundry first. Yes, apparently, tho I'll still need to do laundry *this* weekend before con for some easy-to-dry items.

Managed to work on some long-neglected jewelry projects, fixing one necklace to make it less fall-apart-y at the clasp, and restringing my Coyote necklace which has been too short to wear since before the CF hit me. Luckily I still had more of that turquoise in my stash, and again beading-wire-with-crimps instead of plastic filament seems to work OK.

Moar sewing )

This week I've actually had better energy than usual, but I'm not entirely sure why.

On one hand, its almost DragonCon, and the scheduling grids came out yesterday and I started piecing together my own plans and YAY! Tho I've put those aside for now b/c I need to coordinate cosplay stuff with other ppl too. But YAAAAAY CON!!!

But also I've changed my lunch boxes up a bit to include moar protein, with less rice & veg. Not doing so well with splitting my lunch in half b/c I've been spoiled by having a full 90 minute lunch break, but will try again when the fall schedule starts.

And speaking of scheduling, its summer intercession, so this week I'm at work 10-6 every day, instead of most days with 1-9pm on Monday. So my sleep schedule was that much more regular.

Well... sortof. Monday night suprise plans cropped up with a fellow geeky friend, and we hung out, had dinner and tea, and chatted and gossiped for a while. Then we walked from 4th and Mercer to 8th and 16th, and when I got on the E train after that I didn't pass out like last time. I think I got on the train later than I would have if I'd worked that evening. So... this too.

Is it one of the things? More than one? All the things? Or is it just that the dog days of summer are over and my brain can brain again? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Therapy was on Tuesday afterwork instead of Monday morning this week, and we went over how planning-ahead in my life is helping me, but when planning turns into worrying/anxiety, that is bad. Still having trouble with that line in between, but at least I think I'm zeroing in on another problem? Although worrying about my health in the first place may be adding to my health probs. Blah.


Tonight I have an allergy shot, the rest of the week I'll slowly put together my DCon stuff. Shopping lists (omg bpal), supplies, budgets (lol). I realized I shouldn't blow all my well-saved DCon cash that weekend, I should reserve enough for a desposit on next year's hotel room, b/c that reservation will probly have to be made in September. B/c Dragoncon. *shrugs*

When I'm unable to work on DragonCon stuff, I may just stay home and work on the Doom Coat. NYC socializing gets kindof random in August, even without CF, but I'm over on my Rx budget and given that con is next week I'd like to keep the extras spending to a minimum for the rest of the month. And while I'm planning to do a FMG order next month, I'm not planning it now. Ima chill out.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
Better today. A few theories on recent grumpiness:

-I ran out of 5HTP on Saturday nite, and didn't remember to get more until Tuesday evening. It's a chemical that the body turns into serotonin. Durh.

-I've still been a bit extra grumpy before I ran out of supplements and missed other vitamins. Could it be that the brain fog is clearing enough for me to be frustrated about having brainfog? Instead of just staring into space and immediately forgetting what I was thinking about as per usual.

My tummy also isn't helping. Tummy aches, random facial muscle spasms, and dietary implications. )

Thinking about stress )

More good news: my fall scheduling idea is OK with everybody, so next semester I'll still work 1:30-9:30 on Mondays, but every other day will be 9-5 and I'll do the opening shift every morning. So I can keep my sleep schedule more regular, and it helps keep me from staying out late on weeknights (not that its really a problem right now :-P). It also helps those tai chi classes fit my schedule nicely, if I manage to get out there a few times a month. Can get my allergy shots after work from now on, that also fits better this way.


Found this article too, on Scientific American Your thoughts can release abilities beyond normal limits. Includes a study where a fatigue-response was suppressed with a placebo that was supposed to be caffeine. So how do I *consciously* hack my brain into not being all fogged up all the time? I've changed my diet and habits in the hope that they would fix all-the-things, but did I not believe it enough? Are there some disorders even placebos can't solve?


Overall, I've decided *not* to push myself on body hacks or socializing for the next couple of weeks, until after DragonCon. Them maybe I will be rested when I arrive. For once. Assuming there isn't an earthquake and/or hurricane between now and then (2011 was f'ing weird). There will (hopefully) be a meetup of our B5 cosplayers before con, but that's it. Ima enjoy being leisurely and at home this weekend (with optional sewing project :-P), and next weekend there will be lots of laundry and con-prep.

Also... I'm a bit overbudget. More b/c of the electricity bill than anything else. Only a little bit over on groceries (darn fun Indian food section), and I'll still need bananas this week, so *shrugs*. Its still a lot less over than it used to be, yipes. But staying home for inexpensive fun = yay, and con gets its own budget/revenue stream.

Well, OK, I would like to at least try to remember daily light exercise. 10 minutes of yoga per day won't hurt me. Now if only I could *remember* it. Like the tai chi classes, I just forget that they're a thing :-/ I don't really have a goal aside from the exercising itself, weight loss isn't really a thing I care about right now. Its more like I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of remembering it. Is that odd?


Tuesday nite, tho, I completed many tasks written in my dayplanner in a frustrated migraine-infused fatigue-rage, and did not explode or pass out. So that's a good sign:
-I remembered I have a dayplanner! OMG!
-Finished bug-proofing the bathroom.
-Finally fixed my paypal account.
-Got that 5HTP.
-Organized my vitamin case for the rest of the week.
Yay, accomplishments, however modest. That was another nice thing about sewing, completing tasks that *stay*. Unlike cooking.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (clothes)
Thursday was really nice. Went out for dinner & tarot with a friend, chatted and gossiped all night, and had nice quiet fun. The train rides home were awful (slow *and* un-airconditioned), and my a/c unit at home wasn't quickly fixing the heat problem.

And then I looked up to make sure a rustling noise I'd heard was just a fallen piece of plastic or something, and saw that it actually was a mouse. Cue Uber-Panic )

Fast bounce-back from anxiety attack, less freaked out by phobias.
+5 Sanity
+2 Spoons
+5 Cleanliness


Saturday I still felt pretty hung over (but no more than usual for a weekend), so I lazed around for a bit and eventually went thru a 'fun' chore while watching Buffy dvds. Chores, sewing, and a variety of bonus scores. )

Actually, here is a photo collage of the process of making the Delenn jacket/skirt costume on my Tumblr b/c photo-blogging is easier that way. And some bits about things I did/fixed and the pattern number.


As for this week's tarot forecast (tumblr) it looks like being towards the end of my budget limits may drive me a bit nutz this week. I do want some things for pest control reasons, and in that case going $30 over won't be the end of the world. In the future, maybe I want to *only* aim on spending 2/3 of my extras budget, so I have that extra cash in case of 'emergency' stuff like this.

Moar Costuming! )

But I must say, all the SDCC footage and online responses have severely whetted my appetite for DragonCon. I'm torn between wishing it were this week, and being glad its not b/c I have costume stuff to finish ;-) And I REALLY want to do more than one con next year.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: BEADS!!!!!! (bead bunny)
So the weekend happened, and I stayed inside my building from Friday night thru Monday morning. I went to the laundry room Sunday evening, and that was it. But after last week was much nicer, this week the highs will be in the mid 90s, and my migraines are already coming back. Blegh.

My stomach's also been extra grouchy since dinner break. Could be the heat, could be the herbal tummy supplement I tried this weekend at half dose, and it didn't really do anything. Except stop me from going to bed on time on Friday b/c I didn't remember it was a stimulant until after I took it. Durh.

Because of laundry craziness, I'm wearing slacks to work for the first time in ... weeks? Months? And they're a bit tight. Not sure if this is b/c I'm gaining more weight, my tummy's all upset and inflamed, or if I'm just not used to them anymore. I was my heaviest weight evar around this time last year, so maybe something about summer just makes me heavier. And then I lost 10 of those lbs again by September when I stopped eating wheat for 8 weeks, *shrugs* I just hope I don't have to buy more clothes, b/c urgh shopping :-P

This week I got a bit angsty over the dramas of my past, and it was just weird and sudden. Combo of current events and suggestions, and probably that weird herbal supplement I tried just made me temporarily crazy. Luckily I'm already in therapy, so it was nice talking about it today and trying to figure it out. Aside from that I'd been more anxious and phobic this weekend, and b/c I'd been doing better I'd forgotten my 'anxiety hiccup' practices & Sedona stuff for most of it. Whups. Back on track now. Mostly I blame the summer.



I'm almost done with the sewing parts of my DCon costume. Sewing, shinies, research, laundry, and (over?)spending. )

Unfortunately, I've now maxed my 'extras' budget for July, so no more orders of *anything* until August. And I managed to do that before being fully half way through the month. I am not sure I like this pattern- plan a purchase for the next month, spend everything by the half way point, rinse repeat. Yes, all of the things have purposes, but I'm starting to not like spending my $$. Luckily, I have plenty of sewing & crafting to do now that I have no $$ to go out and do things. Not that I'm apparently healthy enough to go out in July. That's how I can afford to make costumes, I'm too sick & tired to attend costumed events :-P


B/c I couldn't fall asleep on Friday night, I spent a while unF-ing my beads workbench area, and organizing and labeling containers. Thus I was able to spend most of Sunday comfortably playing with wire, both tried and true methods to make a few pairs of earrings, and some more experimental stuff to try out for the Dcon project. Monday morning I went through my seed-beading supplies and ... Ima need more soon. But again I think I can hold off until August. Set up four bracelet projects, that should tide me over. May do photos this weekend if I remember. And maybe I'll properly cut and hem the background fabrics I like to use now, so the process is a bit more streamlined, before I break out another full sewing project.

Not that I've even finished uploading the pictures/items from the last bunch of photos I took to Etsy. Or made any blog posts for the ones that are up. Ooops. At least I'm a better artisan than I am a promoter. Ironically, selling more shinies would help with the financial stress. Assuming I can remember how when its 95 degrees and humid outside. Durh.


Today I went over some of the data from my food-journal, to work out how much $$ I *could* be spending on groceries in a month. Food, you SUCK. )

I guess its finally super humid now, b/c the newer, prettier drip pan under my a/c is finally seeing some action. And so far it seems to be working like I'd hoped: lower but wider container = more surface area = more evaporation so it doesn't overflow and make me have to deal with the creepy next-door neighbor. Yaaay.


As for this week's social plans, I'm going out with a friend on Thursday to trade tarot services for dinner. Yay! Hopefully my tarot skillz won't suck due to heat-induced brainfog and migraines, but we can always reschedule for another time if I get full-on sick. Other than that, no plans. I hope to have the brainpower for bits of sewing and jewelry work, but if today is any indication I don't have much hope.

<3 Chrysilla

*THUD*

Jun. 14th, 2013 05:18 pm
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Since Tuesday I've been dealing with a weird problem. An older woman keeps calling my landline and yelling at her son on my answering machine for not calling her back.

A special kind of stupid )

And after four days of feeling suprisingly really good this week, full of getting things done and talking to ppl I actually like, today I'm a brain fried wreck. B/c some stupid, thoughtless, senile old woman decided to call a number she knew was wrong three days ago at 1am in the morning. And not for any kind of emergency either, just to bother her kid at a time when he would also probably be sleeping.


It is bringing up things that don't work in my head, so that's interesting. I can't stand stupid moms, people that don't listen to me, people who make me suffer via their own selfishness or stupidity, or senseless intrusions into my privacy (phone roach?). However, given my chosen profession I should really work on getting over these issues. Or its ulcers forever.

I'm also really unhappy that *one* sleep interruption, relatively early in my sleep cycle, can completely f#$% me the next day. Even if I get back to sleep (eventually, I was really pissed). After four days of increased energy and decreased brainfog. I really don't want to be this sensitive.

On the other hand, now I know that while I do want to be more social this summer, I should NOT sacrifice my sleep for it. Because it will f#$% me up real good and leave me unable to function later, even if I only lose a tiny bit. Time to start applying my budget skills to my time, if I ever have enough energy for socializing again. Right now it doesn't feel like it :-P

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: Queen of the Cat People, class with a cult following. (Default)
That was pretty much my weekend. With a dash of socializing, which was nice.

I had a few chores slated for the weekend, but at some point (Saturday?) I suddenly decided my longer to-do list of things just needed to get done already. Like a debt snowball in my brain, tasks that seemed complicated or carried emotional baggage/anxiety were taking up a lot of space and energy in mah brain, and I would not be free until they went away. So my accomplishments list is a bit crazier this week.

Accomplishments! )

Even with the stuff I didn't complete, I've done a LOT of unf#$%ing of my space since MDW. And now there's room on top of the fridge for more kitchen gizmos. Yay/ohnoes!


For all the work I did this weekend, and OMG my back hurt by Sunday night, and I still had to finish the dishes and laundry, I do not feel like a wreck today. Health, post unF***ing )

That was nice tho, having ppl come over to visit me. Tho one kept getting bothered by my balcony curtain. I am still not sure about the hermit thing, but at least my home is more comfy for visitors.

Speaking of hermitting, this week's tarot forecast is ... dramatic on the subject:

TAROT! )

This weeks plans ... don't really have anything specific yet. May work on some of the bits of housework I didn't get to over the weekend. Or just relax and do the Sedonia work I didn't get around to over the weekend. Hopefully the move to clean came out of my emotional unpacking, and wasn't a resistance-ploy to keep me from working on it further, which I had planned to do last weekend. Not sure how comfy it will be to hang out in WSP given all the rain that might happen. Also not sure what's going on for Dad's Day this year. Hopefully no energy crashes.

Oh, and I have to get plane tix and roommates for DragonCon. But thanx to my year-round tithes to the dragon (via online savings account) it should be financially OK this year. But I need to write down my ppl-interactions on it, b/c otherwise Ima forget who's interested, again :-/ Darnit brainfog!
chrysilla: (clothes)
My goodness, I feel like I have enough energy for a brief (I hopes) shopping trip tonite. OMG.

Was going to shop Wednesday, but being without after-work noms I wasn't sure I'd make it. So I picked up a bag of potato chips (and a Kind Bar I couldn't eat, b/c I make bad decisions when my blood sugar is low), and sat in the park reading about pagan glamour until I was sure of what I was up for. And I sat there for over an hour, and that's what I was up for, and then I went home. It was really nice tho. An after work habit I would like to partake in more often :-) Which means either developing dinner-boxes, or a rich after work snack that can tide me over until its time to go home.

Also, yay sexxy new boots, but booo having to break them in. I'm starting to wonder if I have the energy to do that much walking. Whups.


Realized last night that while I've been more tired and sleepy overall lately, I'm also less anxious overall. Except for the bug incursion, of course, but then I also recovered from that in record time. So tentative yay. Tho last night I jerked awake a few times (SUGAR! AAARGH!), I *don't* feel like I haven't slept at all today. And of course, now that I'm comfy with my new wake-up schedule, I have to wake up an hour early tomorrow for my allergy shot. *shrugs*

So... is THIS what detox feels like? )

Also this week, more confirmation that refined sugars, not just chocolate, are bad for me before bedtime. B/c they add to the "Hey its bedtime, lets wake up and do stuff!" pattern that I can sometimes get around, but would rather just not deal with at all. I also think I may be crashed out on Monday & Tuesday *also* b/c of my store-bought meringues habit on the weekend. Only for the last couple of weeks, but I hope that means I can fix it as quickly.


Since I'm trying to cut back on sugar, I'm also slowly succumbing to the desire for ice cream. The siren song of sweet noms )

Tonite's shopping trip will be to Home Depot (after eating a Kind Bar that *won't* hurt me), to get stuff for the balcony and bathroom fixing-up. I realized that with all the Greek & Egyptian styled pretend artifacts I have for the space already, I can just stick with that theme. So light colors and subtle patterns. If I repaint the non-folding table I'll probably just redo the white. And that will make plants stand out if I ever have a garden out there again.

Still looking for an "acrylic" medium to seal the "hydrostone" pieces I got at NYRF, but I have some contacts to follow up with that. The vendor doesn't have a website, of course. Blah. But the main goal is to put up the curtain vs. creepy neighbor, the other stuff isn't such a big deal. Will probably get that at my nearby BBB, but I don't want to have to wait for a new one of their coupons.



I'm trying to figure out if all the housework is an overhanging annoyance that really needs to be fixed for the sake of my mental health, or just a distraction from creative projects I used to enjoy b/c of some kind of stage fright (despite the absence of a stage). I guess I feel less horrible since finishing the balcony clean up? But I was feeling more sleepiness at bedtime before that happened. Meh, does not compute yet.

And a new home project is always cropping up, it seems, each time I finish another one. Current list: balcony fixes, bathroom fixes, sweep/wash the inside floors, clean the kitchen (esp top of fridge), and do a makeup purge (yay for soyish and glutenous makeup :-P).



In other news, I think I've done a good job at retooling my wardrobe. It seems like all the things I have for daily wear now make me feel pretteh without too much effort. And putting together my work week outfits in advance is definitely helping me utilize things that I usually forget I have when its 8am. But yah, sitting in WSP with a book and feelin pretteh, that's a nice thing to do when the rest of your day is very zombie-like.



This weekend I'd also like to take some time to just sit with my Sedona book and see what I can do with those techniques when I'm in private. Thus far, I'm always either at work or on the subway. The chapter that didn't make sense on Tuesday was better today, given that I'm still a bit numb but not sleep deprived.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Basically all of the other interesting and nice things to come about in the last two days have been overshadowed by waking up this morning to find a big f'ing roach in my front hallway this morning. But b/c the light bulb had gone out yesterday morning, and I hadn't had the energy to fix it last night, I first had to find a flashlight and spray before approaching the ick. I'd also left my boots in the hallway instead of in the closet 2 feet to the left, increasing anxiety, b/c MY BOOTS. After spraying it to death, it took me a half hour to pick it up with large cardboard flats and throw it in a nearby garbage back, then tossed in the garbage room. In the meantime I kept on a steady panic level while getting ready for work, and even put a stepstool *over* the death scene to change the light bulb.

Unfortunately, I wasn't really innured enough with Sedona method, or even far enough along in the book, for it to work that well. Extended report of FREAKING THE F#$% OUT. )

So before that, Wednesday was shaping up as better/more interesting than Tuesday. I *was* feeling better :-P )


And y'know, all this in the wake of my balcony triumph. Remember the good times, lil' anxious Chrysilla...


Still trying to figure out why my anxiety was a lot worse today than it was the last time this exact same thing happened (... I think? dammit brainfog). The Sedonia book sez that when u start releasing emotions, new ones start to pop up that were buried under the others, and stuff can get more intense. Oh F#$% this.

I was considering cutting back on hermitting after this week, but despite possible problems with my chantry now, I really don't feel like I have the energy. Tho b/c this is the first exceptional anxiety attack I've had since I started my energy gauge, I really don't know where I'm at. Everything's a jumble of panic and tired.

And remember when I used to be able to make myself feel better by treating myself to a restaurant dinner for one? Not really possible anymore.

Me = not winning afterall. :-/

<3 Chrysilla


ps, I'm starting to think I should call my "Paleo Diet" template the "1940s Diet" instead. B/c then my inner science geek can stop being so embarrassed.

pps, My neighborhood friend can put me up for the nite if I'm freaking out, but he'll be out for most of the evening. At a restaurant I'm invited to, but I'm not sure I can eat at. So... will succumb to the cleaning-frenzy, see if the Sedona/CBT combo can get me to sleep in my own bed tonite, and if not I'll go sleep on his couch. So that's some yay :-)
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
I feel better today than I have for a few weeks, at least body-wise. Nothing hurts, my tummy is behaving, and I keep accidentally slamming doors and walking too fast. Sadly my brain is still all fogged up. So the four day weekend for birfday did help, tho I wasn't entirely productive during the vacation, but that was kinda the point.

Work was a lot quieter than usual on my 12-2 shift, since its the last day of finals and commencement is tomorrow. But a bunch of cough-ers just showed up this afternoon and its starting to get on my nerves. Oh well, can't win. Tomorrow summer hours start and I get to have the same bedtime for more worknights.


Yay, my birthday happened last weekend! Birthday (low key) Fun! )

I said I'd reevaluate my hermit status around my b'day, and as of now I think I'm going to keep going for a couple more weeks. I've figured a lot of stuff out (diet, anxiety, etc), but I still feel like I'm missing something(s). Other things need to be figured out still. Including things I probably haven't thought of yet. Will reevaluate again around June 1st.

Evaluations )

And I'm getting over teh food. )

I've done sho much tarot over the last few weeks that I decided not to do any specifically for my b'day. The Beltane readings covered plenty of 'this oncoming year' stuff. And my brain was a bit foggy, even after such a nice celebration on Sunday. But I still did my weekly forecast:

Tarot! )

As for mundane-ness, I think I'm going to try a spicy meatball recipe that didn't go so great a few weeks ago, but instead turn it into a meatloaf this weekend. Meatloafs are better at retaining teh juices. And much less labor-intensive than meat balls :-P

And this weekend might finally be the one where I tackle the balcony. B/c soon it will be too warm outside, and its annoying when the cleaning solution evaporates while I'm trying to scrub. Dad took out the large planter that they'd given me a few seasons ago, so that's one less thing to roll around while trying to clean. And another b'day pressie was a couple of small outdoorsy folding tables from Ikea, which will be very easy to put away for future hurricanes. F'ing hurricanes.

I feel so dumb for not using the balcony for anything since it was screened in, in *September*, but that's chronic fatigue for ya :-P. But I'm pretty sure this lagging project is another source of stress for me, and not one that's nearly as difficult to fix as part of me feels it will be. Also, three day weekend, so extra recuperation time.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Not really sure what went wrong this week. I am crawling-on-the-floor-pls-take-me-home-DED today, although Tuesday was the worst in terms of almost actually falling asleep at work. Very little jewelry work got done, was too spaced out to focus on any photo work or Etsy uploads, despite last week's successes.

Theories are still that either I ate something I shouldn't have on Sunday night (despite careful considerations), or that after a few good nights of sleep my adrenals realized they didn't have to work so hard, and now I'm going thru adrenaline withdrawal. Which would actually be a good sign, but it still f'ing annoying. Or I burnt myself out doing some-of-the-things last week, which doesn't seem right.


Last night I was going to run a bunch of errands, but bailed after the most important first one, and then went home to collapse. Ate easy food, watched Secret of Moonacre (on Netflix instant- thin plot, but ADORABLE, with adorable costumes), and thought long and hard about my life/health while spacing out in the bathtub b/c I was too tired to meditate. B/c there's nothing like watching a sparkly children's movie to make one feel entirely stuck and banal.

Patterns, analysis, tarot )

I really just don't understand balance. I gorge, I horde, if something good is happening then I keep it going with it until I (or it) burn out. Planning ahead and saying no don't always work out. I have successfully given up caffeine, alcohol, and some unhealthy social groups over the course of my life. But its different when its a thing I don't like to begin with, or that actively hurts me. (Tho maybe I'm still badass for giving up the things that everybody else is still doing, b/c everybody else seems to be doing it?) Now everything is confusing b/c I'm too tired to do the things I actually want to do that are good for me. Which is oddly enough forcing me to not gorge or horde anymore. Its weird. But if I stopped being tired, would I just go back to gorging myself on life again?

How does balance work? Ppl with obsessive habits want to know. Would it make more sense if I wasn't brainfogged?


In other news, am looking forward to next week's long weekend, and also to the start of the summer semester, when most of the constantly coughing patrons will hopefully not be here to get on my nerves for three months. B/c ARGH. Cough drops, dumbasses, they work.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: BEADS!!!!!! (bead bunny)
My new health rating scale is still helping me keep things straight in my head, yay. 1-10 just didn't work, I'm too brain fogged to keep track of ten whole settings.



This weekend was ... varied. Successes and Fails )

Nutrition is confusing )

Decided to take just a couple days off for my b'day next month, on the Friday before and Monday after so I can a) get a 4 day weekend, and b) miss my two 'closing' nights which tend to be more annoying when its finals week. And that leaves plenty of time off for DCon, a 'pillow' in case of extended illness, and an extra week off for winter break.

Am less sure about going on a spending spree for my b'day. Might lose control. But April would have been more in the black if not for being late on my sales tax and missing that one therapy session, so assuming nothing like that happens in May I might be OK? Maybe I'll just do a BPAL run, and get myself those new/old walking shoes, tho was going to do the latter anyway.

Unsure about the fancy chocolate, given that I live in NYC, but I dislike the fancy grocery stores where one gets the fancy chocolate. And not sure if I want to go to Chocolate Haven, b/c its depressing to get plain (tho nummy) dark chocolate bars when there's a counter full of bonbons you can't eat (dairy, possible gluten intrusion). But if anyone has any recs on dairy/gluten-free fancy chocolate, feel free to comment.


I still think the hermitting is helping me get things together. Anxiety and Projects. )

This weekend got eaten by jewelry (tho that's not a bad thing) so maybe next weekend will be writing. Oh, except for one event. Darnit, next weekend then. Or maybe some weeknights if I'm lucky and don't lose track of my motor functions again.

Tho there are also a ton of cartoons I'd like to catch up on via Netflix. Whups :-)

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: Queen of the Cat People, class with a cult following. (Default)
So, full moon in Scorpio with a partial eclipse, no wonder I've been extra introspective this week. And getting somewhere with it, tho still at a snail's pace.

Figured I'd do a tarot reading to see where I was with things. Not without road bumps, but wow hermitting does seem to be a good idea right now.

And since I know ppl who are interested in such things, here's how my kind of tarot reading works:

Tarot analysis, wit big photos )

So yeah, Ima keep working on teh me, and things will be OK. Sorry in advance if I can't make it to your gigs/emergencies, but I'm just not up for it right now.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Slowly crawling through my own brain. CBT, books, anxiety hiccups, brainfog )
Its a BIG help that I've intentionally cut social events out of my daily life for the time being. Instead of going out when I feel slightly better, I'm using my less fogged brain to try and work out what's actually going on with me. And to get back in the habit of at-home, low energy things that make me happy. Also, I don't have to stress or strain to make myself fit for human companionship when I'm not up for it, which saves more spoons in the long run. I've spent a lot of energy in my life catering to other people's needs in one way or another, now its time for me to cater to myself.


I also think I need a new wellness scale, b/c my brain just can't deal with the 1-10 version right now. It requires me to be able to remember and compare how I felt on past days, and its just hot happening. So now I'm doing common qualities of how I feel, matched with numbers.

So far I've got:

1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal

Will see how this works out. I think having words & specific qualities will make it easier for me to gauge things.


In more fun news (I think?) my b'day is coming up. I'm working out what fripperies I want to splurge on in advance, in the hopes that I don't ruin 2 months of not overspending my budget. So far I'm thinking about fancy chocolate & BPAL (limited stuff from their Etsy shop). There's also a light weight gothy jacket that I like, but many factors make that a less sure transaction. At least if I don't wear the BPAL right away, the perfume will still fit me when I start leaving the house more often, and I won't have to wait for the right weather pattern to use them.

Still not sure how to organize my b'day party. Bareburger would be easier with a reservation, and the ppl I know tend towards flakey, and FB doesn't let you send reminder messages to everyone on your invite list anymore. Also, which of my friends are going to wait until Saturday to see Star Trek? *sigh*

Also trying to figure out if I want to take some time off around my b'day. But I also want to conserve time off for sick days. Will mull it over some more.

<3 Chrysilla

Today's Health Rating:

1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal, YAY!

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