chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Have been costume-fretting again this week. But today I managed to at least refocus that energy on the costume I'm actually *making* right now. Still trying to figure out how I'm going to do the head-piece and jewelry, but I've done some internet research and sketched some ideas, so will see what happens. But yay, getting interested in shiny things again.

Sewing and costume stuffs. )

As for my Etsy shop ... I'm still not giving it up, but I'm making an effort to care less about how much stuff is up there and whether or not I'm updating regularly. Energy wise, I'm going to keep this at 'hobby' level rather than 'important alternative revenue stream' level. The personal-finance-blogosphere may be all about the side hustle, but I don't think any of the ppl I read have a fatigue problem. So the continued pattern of not-regular or frequent updates will continue, and I will stop feeling guilty about it. As hobbies go, mine is way less expensive than some others I could think of now that I know how to keep myself on-track.


Doing an hour of work each evening with my sewing was working pretty well until the summer fried my brain, but I'll see if I can get back to that if my system acclimates enough. Or just pick it up again in September. Also, if I can just will myself to do an hour of *something* each week night, it doesn't have to be sewing. Could write or bead for an hour, or get ahead on chores before spacing out again on youtube.

Tho I'm also too brain-fried to go out as I'd planned for this month, b/c when I made those plans I completely forgot that summer makes me feel yucky. So its annoying that I can't do fun things at home either. But this is already a familiar groove for me :-P



Looking back over the last couple of months, I've noticed another correlation between my habits and my increase of energy that started in early June: a more regular sleep schedule. Summer hours at work started after my b'day, and then I also started eating starchy carbs again, and then I was feeling better.

Fixing my future sleep schedule? )

Tho in that case, I also noticed that Saturn's gone direct recently, having been in retrograde since February, which is when I reeeeealy started to crash out again. Darnit astrology, I wish I could quit you. But Saturn is the teacher of cause and effect, and it may have taken regular sleep and starchy carbs to wake me up again, so ... does this mean I pass?



Feeling better energy today, and my brain is a bit more active thanx to jewelry-tutorial research (I remembered my Pinterest login on the first try, after months away, OMG progress), but I'm not sure that I want to go to a meetup full of new people tonight in unknown territory. I remembered to pack an extra lunch, and 7pm is a good time for me, but my stomach has been extra cranky today. If I were at 4+ I would probably go, but at 3 with stomach probs I should probably bow out for this month. Socializing + feeling ick does not go well with me. Also, there's ice cream and peaches and sewing at home, and its too hot outside to wear my Ravenclaw vest to a Potter meetup :-P

Browncoats is this weekend if I feel up for it (and I've already simplified cooking plans just in case), and next Thursday I have dinner plans with another friend, so I'm not without other more-comfortable options. Or maybe I'll feel much better within the next 2 hours and go anyway. *shrugs*


I'm also slowly going through my new full and sample sized gluten free makeups to see how they work. At least one lipstick sample is a 100% yes, and I'm happy with the full sizes, but the *staying power* of the products hasn't really been proven yet. However, all of the lip stuff feels AMAZING. Lipstick and gloss that doesn't dry out my lips after 10 mins? OMG!

So at least I'm increasing my glamour pool, although my health levels still elude me ;-)

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
So, week and a half or so without posting, whups! On the other hand, the headaches have taken a pretty bad turn this late-June-early-July time of year. So I've also had to bail on socializing plans for the last couple of weeks, contrary to my long-term goals, so kinda sad. On the other hand, I learned the hard way many years ago that going out when you don't feel well can lead to high levels of more ick.

It helps to keep things in perspective. In general, this time last year I was a complete wreck. Severely chronic-fatigued, no real plan of action to deal with it, and no medical support structure to help me. Physically and emotionally depleted, probably the lowest point of the last two years of this body-fail. Specifically, I think it was early July when I had the migraine that was so severe I needed an MRI to make sure I wasn't having a stroke. (It wasn't, and now I have fun free pics of my brain, yay.)

By comparison, things aren't so bad this summer. Even with the headaches (no crazy migraine auras yet), even with having to bail on friends parties and events, even with renewed sleep deprivation & my energy levels plummeting again yesterday and today. My road to less-fail started this time last year, so didn't really become obvious until late August, so I didn't really learn how to deal with the Dog Days of Summer in NYC. Guess I'll learn now, *shrugs*.

This time I have doctors who actually help me, an acupuncturist who is nice and insightful (tho we're taking a break for this month due to financial reasons, and she's even OK with that), and have identified and eliminated dietary and lifestyle habits that were making me worse. Tho the only properly diagnosed problem I have is a barely researched hard-to-treat sleep disorder, it helps to know I have it, and my non-drug guesswork to try fixing it has been helpful.

So I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing, brought on by the heat, and also hoping that I can acclimate to the heat rather than just hide in my home all summer.

I also hope that I'm actually 'leveling' into a more interesting stage of life, b/c the alternative looks very not fun.


As for the last couple weeks of goings on...

Weekend of fabric! )

The 2.5 Day Work Week )

Doctor Visit (no, not that one) )

Patriotically Sick )

Dizzy Cooking for a Four Day Weekend )

Conked out early Sunday nite and got 9 hours of sleep for today. But this morning I had another bout of being a listless lump, almost unable to get my butt out of the house to start the day. That seemed to pass by the time I got to work, but the brain fog is still really bad. Behind the brain fog, my energy levels seem to be fluctuating, but not too low.

I think today's ick is from continued sleep dep, and thus indirectly caused by the heat wave. No matter how many aspects of my life that I hack, or how many precautions I take, you just can't control the weather. Oh well. But up until yesterday and today, my energy levels had been pretty good, so maybe I'll start feeling better now that this week's heat index is around 90F instead of 100F. And I hope I'm acclimated by DCon.

There's a Harry Potter meet up group gathering on Thursday, so I'd like to attend that, but hopefully body fail won't get in the way. I won't force myself to go if it does, tho its nicely close to one of my train lines. Its at a bar with food, but not me-friendly food, so will pack an extra lunch box for that day if I think I'm up for it. Saturday is Browncoats, but I like having my Saturdays free to sleep and/or space out. But its an option.

This morning I remembered to pack one new project into my bead kit and take it to work with me, so that's good. I think with my recent heat issues, and recent weird weather, I'm just going to stay inside on my lunch breaks with craft stuff. I didn't get around to putting some other projects together, but hopefully I can when the brain fog lifts. I haven't had much yen for jewelry work lately, despite the energy increase, but I hope it hits soon. I need shiny things for my DCon & wedding costumes, and my Etsy shop. I think I have enough seed beads & crystals to do more of those types of pieces until August, when I may have to order some more, in that nice specific "I have a list!" way that works quite well for me.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
So today is borked. *thud*

Home sick, work sleep dep )

Lunch gave me back a few spoons, and I already know how to get through a work day with lots of sleep deprivation, but its looking like I'm not going to make it to Recess this weekend, or the witchfest out front on Astor Pl :-(. I'm going to be curled up in a ball at home pretending that there is no outside world, maybe catching up on the DW I still haven't watched. At least I have geeky plans for the nite of 7/4 to look forward to.

Apparently Mercury is in retrograde, and for ppl with my chart layout that means social re-evaluations. So... apparently Mercury doesn't want me playing RPGs anymore. Well F#$% you too, dude.

Expected Fabric + Surprise Vacation? )

But this weekend, unless I have a magnificent leap of new energy tomorrow, I'm going to stick with minimum chores and intermittent sewing stuff, if that. Did not get around to any while home sick b/c I didn't trust myself enough to use scissors, let alone a sewing machine. But now I have all the fabric-related pieces for my B5 costume, so yay. May work on the jewelry too. My brain is sparking a few ideas despite sleep dep, but I'll reevaluate them when I'm healthy again. I just hope I'm awake enough to pay the bills this weekend.


And no more salsa right before bedtime. Am thinking of going without corn chips next week to see what happens. I'm getting more energy during the day, but also still more awake right before bedtime again, so I'm worried that the processed carbs are kicking my adrenal fatigue back up again. But ... the less processed carbs are so hard to digest. Ugh, digestive systems are lame.

Might make another batch of ice cream, but I'm starting to question the wisdom of even a paleo-recipe amount of un-caffeinated sugar in an evening. But the last batch set up well in both containers, so yum. Might bake more brownies for the 7/4 party b/c I can't think of a savory dish that would actually travel. Will ask them about it.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (galadriel lembas mix)
Yay, so my DragonCon room is settled, barring sudden disasters. And all my roommates want to do the Steampunk'd Babylon 5 cosplay idea with me, so I've finally started working on that costume. And I think I'll work on *just* that one before DCon.

Sewing stuff )

Between researching for my survival at DCon and chucking a large portion of my makeup collection, I've been on an anti-gluten anxious rampage for a few days. Ebil, ebil gluten )

Sadly, Ima back to normal brain fog levels today. Not sure why. Maybe the starchy carbs aren't working anymore, maybe its the suddenly-storm weather going on in NYC today and tomorrow. Or b/c I accidentally got shampoo in my mouth last night, cuz I ain't perfect.

I also had hummus on Friday and Saturday, for the first time since ... September? Are chickpeas giving me hangovers now? Ugh, I hope not.

Today is begrudgingly my 2 year anniversary of "Noticing I Might Have CFS" so... um... yay? Also, I think it was early July that I had the migraine from hell that got my old doctor to send me for an MRI. Fun.

I think it was June of 2012 where I freaked out on how horrible I felt overall, and finally exclaimed 'FINE SEND IN THE FAITH HEALERS WAAAARGH.' Instead I got into acupuncture, and the needler, and then my new doctor, both recommended I try the (badly named) Paleo Diet to see if I had any food sensitivities. Which I did. And I started to feel better, tho in stops and starts, until I crashed again around January. More stops and starts, and I'm mostly sure that today I'm better than I was last June, so that's good. I'm not great, but I'm better than I was.

Weight & Body Image )

Tho also b/c of that discussion online and in my head, I realized I had weeks of food tracking data written down in my notepad that I could plug into an online calorie counter to see what's up. I've been tracking food by weight, more for financial than health reasons, b/c of wanting to try and stay on a grocery budget. And also in case individual foods cause weird flareups/reactions. And to see what happened. Counting calories is just too abstract for me, and requires too much work to track and count everything via internets. For weight I just use my kitchen scale.

It looks like I've been bobbing around 1800 calories per day pretty steadily, usually with 2-2.25 lbs per day. A bit low on carbs, but fat and protein in normie ranges, and the low side of normal for fiber (but too much of that messes me up in unhappy ways). On the other hand, that was just last week, when I was reintroducing starchy corn chips. Will work on earlier data later.

Am still unsure of what was going on with last week's energy spike. If it was the starchy carbs, will that help me indefinitely, or just for a little while before I crash out again? Am I just re-contributing to a chronic/adrenal fatigue relapse? Maybe I just need something a bit easier to digest, and thus 'processed', b/c I'm still healing off years of gluten/dairy abuse on my insides, and 5oz of rice at lunch + 1oz ricecakes at dinner wasn't enough.


I think I might also take a break from acupuncture in July, just to see what happens. I felt better last week (maybe?) without a needle appointment, and I continued to feel awful from winter thru spring with regular appointments. If I hit another "OH DEAR GODS HELP ME" point I can always call them and make the earliest available appointment, having learned my lesson.

<3 Chrysilla

*THUD*

Jun. 14th, 2013 05:18 pm
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Since Tuesday I've been dealing with a weird problem. An older woman keeps calling my landline and yelling at her son on my answering machine for not calling her back.

A special kind of stupid )

And after four days of feeling suprisingly really good this week, full of getting things done and talking to ppl I actually like, today I'm a brain fried wreck. B/c some stupid, thoughtless, senile old woman decided to call a number she knew was wrong three days ago at 1am in the morning. And not for any kind of emergency either, just to bother her kid at a time when he would also probably be sleeping.


It is bringing up things that don't work in my head, so that's interesting. I can't stand stupid moms, people that don't listen to me, people who make me suffer via their own selfishness or stupidity, or senseless intrusions into my privacy (phone roach?). However, given my chosen profession I should really work on getting over these issues. Or its ulcers forever.

I'm also really unhappy that *one* sleep interruption, relatively early in my sleep cycle, can completely f#$% me the next day. Even if I get back to sleep (eventually, I was really pissed). After four days of increased energy and decreased brainfog. I really don't want to be this sensitive.

On the other hand, now I know that while I do want to be more social this summer, I should NOT sacrifice my sleep for it. Because it will f#$% me up real good and leave me unable to function later, even if I only lose a tiny bit. Time to start applying my budget skills to my time, if I ever have enough energy for socializing again. Right now it doesn't feel like it :-P

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
I've felt strangely not-awful this week. Despite the cleaning binge & all the rains (tho there have been migraine teases, I have meds for that), I am still a functional person, and my energy levels seem to be going up a bit.

So I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why, hoping its not a random phenomenon:
Why so awake? )

My tummy is still grouchy, but I'm learning how to deal with the new weirdness. But my skin is also breaking out more this week. And when the CF started gaining traction in my life, my skin became abnormally clear for me. That indicated that my problem might be hormonal, which indicated that it might be my thyroid, but common medical industry practice is "F#$% your problems if they don't show up on our tests the way we say they're s'posed to." So while my thyroid looks inflamed on an ultrasound, my blood tests are in the 'normal' rage, so f#$% me.

And wasn't I super sleepy for the last two weeks? And now I'm more awake than usual. Hmph. Body, you need a better manner of communication. "Owch" and "Zzzzz" just aren't enough.



Thanx to newfound energy and a bit more focus, I'm working on my usual summer backlog at work, and finally remembered to order my plane tix for Dragoncon. And I'm making a more focused effort to find roommates, that involves me *writing down* interested parties and details in case my brain shuts down again.

But DCon in two+ months isn't enough for me, I wanna be geeking out nooooow. So I'm looking into geeky meetups in NYC. Looking For Group )

That's odd now that I think about it. My brain has a few extra spoons to work with, and its all RESEARCH CONS instead of WRITE SCRIPTS. Will mull this over. I still haven't had a moment to sit down and mull/meditate over the Sedonia stuff in the privacy of my own home, b/c things. Maybe I'll finally get that together tonite. And more thinking on whether or not I'll remain a hermit, but the lack of social offerings in NYC that don't start *after* my bedtime in far off boroughs may keep that a slow gradual process.

Lol, yesterday I had more spoons, but was teetering into a bad mood (b/c reasons), and suddenly remembered that I could text a local Village-centric friend to see if they wanted to hang out after work. And we did! And had Bareburger, on LaGuardia but I just made sure not to order a (cricket) salad with my burger. Good idea, considering the rest of the week will be rained out. And still got home after hanging out/dinner with more than enough time to fold excess laundry and get ready for bed. And falling asleep was a bit harder again due to "OMG AWAKE" but otherwise I slept OK.

And weird dreams happened )

This weekend is Dad's Day, and I was waiting for a verdict on that before making other plans. And the fam wants to come into Queens for Bareburger on Sunday, so I have time for more stuff aside from chores. That could be cutting fabric for the DCon costume, or more weird baking experiments, haven't decided yet. Oh, and some extra cleaning tasks that didn't work out last week for one reason or another.

I'm going to try limiting my sewing habit to 3 hours per weekend, and hopefully I'll get the B5 dress done by LDW without burning myself out. But that will include a mockup/muslin of the jacket part. Will see how this works out. There are some other light-costuming bits I'd like to finish from the project bin, but I'm not entirely sure I have places to wear them yet. *shrugs*

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
I feel better today than I have for a few weeks, at least body-wise. Nothing hurts, my tummy is behaving, and I keep accidentally slamming doors and walking too fast. Sadly my brain is still all fogged up. So the four day weekend for birfday did help, tho I wasn't entirely productive during the vacation, but that was kinda the point.

Work was a lot quieter than usual on my 12-2 shift, since its the last day of finals and commencement is tomorrow. But a bunch of cough-ers just showed up this afternoon and its starting to get on my nerves. Oh well, can't win. Tomorrow summer hours start and I get to have the same bedtime for more worknights.


Yay, my birthday happened last weekend! Birthday (low key) Fun! )

I said I'd reevaluate my hermit status around my b'day, and as of now I think I'm going to keep going for a couple more weeks. I've figured a lot of stuff out (diet, anxiety, etc), but I still feel like I'm missing something(s). Other things need to be figured out still. Including things I probably haven't thought of yet. Will reevaluate again around June 1st.

Evaluations )

And I'm getting over teh food. )

I've done sho much tarot over the last few weeks that I decided not to do any specifically for my b'day. The Beltane readings covered plenty of 'this oncoming year' stuff. And my brain was a bit foggy, even after such a nice celebration on Sunday. But I still did my weekly forecast:

Tarot! )

As for mundane-ness, I think I'm going to try a spicy meatball recipe that didn't go so great a few weeks ago, but instead turn it into a meatloaf this weekend. Meatloafs are better at retaining teh juices. And much less labor-intensive than meat balls :-P

And this weekend might finally be the one where I tackle the balcony. B/c soon it will be too warm outside, and its annoying when the cleaning solution evaporates while I'm trying to scrub. Dad took out the large planter that they'd given me a few seasons ago, so that's one less thing to roll around while trying to clean. And another b'day pressie was a couple of small outdoorsy folding tables from Ikea, which will be very easy to put away for future hurricanes. F'ing hurricanes.

I feel so dumb for not using the balcony for anything since it was screened in, in *September*, but that's chronic fatigue for ya :-P. But I'm pretty sure this lagging project is another source of stress for me, and not one that's nearly as difficult to fix as part of me feels it will be. Also, three day weekend, so extra recuperation time.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (witch)
Its another long, slow Monday night at work full of coughing patrons. But after tonight, no more Monday nites until June, b/c I'm taking off for my b'day next week, and the week after is Memorial Day. And after that, its summer session, and hopefully most of the coughing patrons will be off and away. So ... one more night.

I really hope summer session helps me reset my system some more, and set up some new habits. Like working on photo/writing stuff while on the circ desk, getting a more regular sleep cycle for a few months, etc. Becoming less cranky about patrons in general. At least I hope its not *more* stressful, that may be the summer of 2014. There's a plan to replace all of the windows on our floor, which are all floor to ceiling and make up almost the whole outer wall of the library. Not sure if they'll shut us down for that this time, tho.


The weekend was ... adequate. Indian food is magical? )

And the plan is to do combined MomsDay/CrisDay stuff on this coming Saturday, since I'll have a four day weekend and hopefully not be too ded tired to enjoy myself outside like this weekend. Might get a couple of (light, folding) things for the balcony, its too bad I was in no state to work on that space this weekend. The rainy weather is actually great for that. Oh well.


I found a little sketch pad I was no longer using for ideas (b'c I don't really have many of those anymore) and am starting to use it as a food journal this week. If my brain really does need a less fibrous, more-complex-than-plain-sugar type of carbohydrate to function, I will figure out which one hurts the least. Am also working on eating less fresh fruit/veg to see if my tummy settles. Counter-intuitive for spring, but welcome to my life.


And this is our tarot forecast: Tarot pic! ) Hopefully good omens for creative work. And y'know, birthday. I will settle for being awake enough to remember to meditate and do some yoga.

Was going to try and organize some written script bits this evening, but just spaced out instead. *shrugs* I'm considering going on a blog-fast for a few weeks and reading through the collection of short story collections I keep at the office, b/c the blogs were just too distracting tonite. I think my brain needs more complexity in its input, and not just food-wise.

Still not balanced. Don't really have anything to balance *with* yet. But I'm feeling a tiny bit better than last week, so hopefully this is the start of good things.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Not really sure what went wrong this week. I am crawling-on-the-floor-pls-take-me-home-DED today, although Tuesday was the worst in terms of almost actually falling asleep at work. Very little jewelry work got done, was too spaced out to focus on any photo work or Etsy uploads, despite last week's successes.

Theories are still that either I ate something I shouldn't have on Sunday night (despite careful considerations), or that after a few good nights of sleep my adrenals realized they didn't have to work so hard, and now I'm going thru adrenaline withdrawal. Which would actually be a good sign, but it still f'ing annoying. Or I burnt myself out doing some-of-the-things last week, which doesn't seem right.


Last night I was going to run a bunch of errands, but bailed after the most important first one, and then went home to collapse. Ate easy food, watched Secret of Moonacre (on Netflix instant- thin plot, but ADORABLE, with adorable costumes), and thought long and hard about my life/health while spacing out in the bathtub b/c I was too tired to meditate. B/c there's nothing like watching a sparkly children's movie to make one feel entirely stuck and banal.

Patterns, analysis, tarot )

I really just don't understand balance. I gorge, I horde, if something good is happening then I keep it going with it until I (or it) burn out. Planning ahead and saying no don't always work out. I have successfully given up caffeine, alcohol, and some unhealthy social groups over the course of my life. But its different when its a thing I don't like to begin with, or that actively hurts me. (Tho maybe I'm still badass for giving up the things that everybody else is still doing, b/c everybody else seems to be doing it?) Now everything is confusing b/c I'm too tired to do the things I actually want to do that are good for me. Which is oddly enough forcing me to not gorge or horde anymore. Its weird. But if I stopped being tired, would I just go back to gorging myself on life again?

How does balance work? Ppl with obsessive habits want to know. Would it make more sense if I wasn't brainfogged?


In other news, am looking forward to next week's long weekend, and also to the start of the summer semester, when most of the constantly coughing patrons will hopefully not be here to get on my nerves for three months. B/c ARGH. Cough drops, dumbasses, they work.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
Was a mixed weekend. Each day offered a b'day outing with a good college era friend. But the movie party won out over the picnic-surrounded-by-pollen party. And I could only really do one or the other and still get all my home stuff done. On the upside, saw Iron Man, yay!

Did not really accomplish anything aside from my normal chores. No new jewelry happened, or photo editing or Etsy uploads. Meatballs and Pillows )

Having so much fun out with friends also put my hermit-project into more perspective. On one hand, being on my own really has forced me to figure new/old stuff out. On the other, I don't want to do this forever. I like my friends, they are fun to hang out with, it gets me excited about things in a way I can't be while totally on my own. So what is the balance? For now, Ima keep the 'lets recap' date my b'day, and from there I'll decide how many more weeks/months I want to work on this. So far its not looking like a total fail, but I'm also not expecting to be totally cured/managed by the 19th. We shall see.


For the last couple of days unfortunately, I've felt sooper groggy, sleepy, and hungover. I has teh brain worms. )

And yay, got my time off approved for my 4-day b'day weekend :-D Trying to figure out if I should reschedule my allergy shot and therapy sessions for the Friday and Monday respectively, b/c that means I can just sleeeeep those days and stay in the neighborhood. Or, leave them be, and its an easy way to tempt me out of the house on those days. Tho doing my regular grocery run on a weekday afternoon instead of the weekend might be a pleasant change too. So maybe I'll get my shots rescheduled for Thursday evening. B/c right now I'm definitely leaning towards maximum sleepage.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: BEADS!!!!!! (bead bunny)
Its been a week of ups and downs. For the most part, the downs seem to be caused by my monthly hormonal flux, which is annoying due to all the other progresses I've made. Nope, no matter what I eat or how I try to think, my hormones will still f#$% me up for a week each month. The hermitting can't fix all my problems, apparently :-P

I think what's going on is that the hormones demand chocolate sacrifices in the evening, and that's been making it hard to stick to my 9 hour bedtime. I've been getting 8 or less most nights, and on top of hormones the extra lack of sleep makes me feel icky again. It helps (the chocolate avoidance) when I have better leftovers available for dinner, but that didn't really work out last weekend. Will try to fix that for next week.


Despite this, there were accomplishments! During the work week no less! OMG!Accomplished iz me. )

So yay! Four new Etsy listings! If you're curious, look at them here on my Etsy shop cuz I'm too lazy to put them all up separately right nao. They're the ones in the row second to the top (or first four in listing-format) with the red backdrops. More later.

Facebook doesn't seem to want my friends to know I have Etsy listings and blog postings. I can't imagine that my friends are more excited about me posting a Gaiman quote than they are about me having the energy to actually get bizness stuff done. But it seems Fb's new party line is "Sure we can give you back your friends/fans, just give us $5 :-P" So f#$% that. Apparently my biz page got a small surge of hits in April... when I didn't post anything shiny on the interwebs at all. Sure, that makes sense.


Getting photo work done at work is getting mixed results from my brain. On one hand, hooray! Using ded space in my schedule where I'd otherwise be staring slack-jawed at the blogoshpere, for constructive things that might help my finances! On the other hand, like today, it was difficult for me to do *anything* constructive all day b/c I'm just feeling so fried. And overall, that's the big problem. I used to read on subways, most of the time I just can't focus. I can't remember to do yoga at home four mornings a week. I can think of sho many ways to utilize the time I have more efficiently... and then I forget. Or am too tired to do the thing. It is very cranky-making.


Since today is payday, and my b'day is coming up, I may order my self-gift from the interwebs tonight. Which will probably just be the BPAL oils, b/c I'm still not sure about ordering fancy chocolate online. Paleo-friendly chocolate, sure, but that means I could very easily consume all of it over the course of a weekend instead of saving it for my sloggy work days.

Will probably also order the walking shoes this month, but that's more a matter of need than want. OK, some want, but they make my feet feel less horrible so its mixed. Might order my Dcon plane tix too, since I have enough for it in my con-savings account, and the extra paycheck will kinda futz up my tracking this month anyway.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: Queen of the Cat People, class with a cult following. (Default)
So, full moon in Scorpio with a partial eclipse, no wonder I've been extra introspective this week. And getting somewhere with it, tho still at a snail's pace.

Figured I'd do a tarot reading to see where I was with things. Not without road bumps, but wow hermitting does seem to be a good idea right now.

And since I know ppl who are interested in such things, here's how my kind of tarot reading works:

Tarot analysis, wit big photos )

So yeah, Ima keep working on teh me, and things will be OK. Sorry in advance if I can't make it to your gigs/emergencies, but I'm just not up for it right now.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Slowly crawling through my own brain. CBT, books, anxiety hiccups, brainfog )
Its a BIG help that I've intentionally cut social events out of my daily life for the time being. Instead of going out when I feel slightly better, I'm using my less fogged brain to try and work out what's actually going on with me. And to get back in the habit of at-home, low energy things that make me happy. Also, I don't have to stress or strain to make myself fit for human companionship when I'm not up for it, which saves more spoons in the long run. I've spent a lot of energy in my life catering to other people's needs in one way or another, now its time for me to cater to myself.


I also think I need a new wellness scale, b/c my brain just can't deal with the 1-10 version right now. It requires me to be able to remember and compare how I felt on past days, and its just hot happening. So now I'm doing common qualities of how I feel, matched with numbers.

So far I've got:

1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal

Will see how this works out. I think having words & specific qualities will make it easier for me to gauge things.


In more fun news (I think?) my b'day is coming up. I'm working out what fripperies I want to splurge on in advance, in the hopes that I don't ruin 2 months of not overspending my budget. So far I'm thinking about fancy chocolate & BPAL (limited stuff from their Etsy shop). There's also a light weight gothy jacket that I like, but many factors make that a less sure transaction. At least if I don't wear the BPAL right away, the perfume will still fit me when I start leaving the house more often, and I won't have to wait for the right weather pattern to use them.

Still not sure how to organize my b'day party. Bareburger would be easier with a reservation, and the ppl I know tend towards flakey, and FB doesn't let you send reminder messages to everyone on your invite list anymore. Also, which of my friends are going to wait until Saturday to see Star Trek? *sigh*

Also trying to figure out if I want to take some time off around my b'day. But I also want to conserve time off for sick days. Will mull it over some more.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
I think this is the beginning of Hardcore Hermitting Week Four, and ... I almost am starting to feel better?

Its difficult to gauge, I think I'd be feeling better if I hadn't been sick last weekend. And between illness and world-wide news last week, I was pretty ready to go home Friday night and stay in my chantry until the world's proper end. But my neighbor-friend tempted me two blocks away to his house with grass fed beef shin and properly cooked bone marrow, and probably some plant matter that I don't remember. My stomach couldn't get thru all of it, but I think I ate most and didn't explode, so yay for that.

He also got me started on Hemlock Grove, for better or worse. Its VERY Twin Peaks like, to the point where I think they played a remix of the theme music during the school-dance scene in episode 2. It has the same weird ungainly mix of pacing, where some bits are just so f'ing boring and pointless, and other parts you need to rewind and turn on the subtitles to figure out what just happened. A lot more graphic than TP, with much better special effects, and more teenage drama thrown in. Also, lots of characters vomiting, I guess that's supposed to make it more edgy. *shrugs* Got a bit more than halfway through this weekend, will probably finish it next weekend.


Things happened other than tv this weekend. Accomplishments )

Sadly, no creative beading/writing work got done this weekend. But I half expected that due to being sick last week. I did dream of packing up lots of beads and jewelry supplies Saturday nite, tho, to take with me somewhere or other. Don't remember any other details. I did re-pack a bunch of the new materials into my traveling bead kit for this week. Yay new necklaces in strange new color combos. Maybe someday I'll remember to photograph the pile of pieces I've already completed.


This week's focus is to read the books I already have on treating anxiety problems. New Brain-Hacking )

This week's tarot reading looks dramatic but hopeful: Tarot! )

Also mulling over b'day plans. Maybe go for dinner with ppl in a Chrys-safe restaurant, and then go to see the new Star Trek movie? But this would be 5/18, and I'm not sure which of my friends will not have already seen it by Saturday.

Beltane is coming up, and I just don't give a f#$%. Another reminder to change the salt-bowl. Tho I'm tempted to make this year's prayer something along the lines of "No, F#$% YOU universe!!" *sigh* Its a 'school' nite anyway. Some friends' b'days are the following weekend, fun but I'll probably only be able to do one.

But here I am, and I will keep on keepin' on for another week. I actually feel kinda impatient right now, like I'd rather be at home doing creative stuff than here at work. Tho if I *were* suddenly home, that's no guarantee that I'd actually do anything. Still pretty brain fogged, so who knows.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
I'm trying to figure out if this winter was my worst cf time so far, but it's hard to deduce due to two years of brainfog. General fussings of where am I, and what am I doing? )

Argh, too much thinking, on 9 hours of sleep that turned out to be not good enough.

Did have a weird dream last night, tho it wasn't that stressful. Chrysilla's adventures in Bordertown. )

So... lost in a new city (but not freaking out, I did know where I was), paying for my livelihood in my own body parts, food & money stress, writing in a book (that looks like my dayplanner) can help me find my way ... OK, those bits are helpful. But it would also have been nice to sleep properly. I have a notion to turn this into a short story (or audio drama, tho the legalities of producing a BT story might be tricky), titled "I'm not even supposed to be here today," with more snark and angst probably.


I felt like my writer demons were waking up again last night, so maybe I'll get to some actual writing work this weekend. However, the cooking demons also woke up and want to make tons of soup instead. Why ... I dunno, I get weird notions. There is actually less required cooking to worry about this weekend, but more laundry.

Also, since the writer demons seem to wake up the most when I'm in the shower, maybe that's where my muse lives/has been hiding. So I should probably clean the bathtub.


Last night I also finally repaired some broken necklaces, including the Eshu necklace, plus some upgrades to the pendant so it hangs properly. Was rewarded with surprisingly fast trains this morning. I went with repair b/c I finally had the FMG order, and I didn't feel awake enough to do new creative things, but I think it worked out in the end. Not sure how I feel about crimps and tiger tail, so I'll stick to other projects until I see how these new/old pieces wear out.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
One full week of hermitting done, still feel about the same energy/brainfog wise. Been headachey, but I'm not sure if that's based on sleep dep or impending storm of pollen. There are always just too many factors to count. Been getting 8-9 hours of sleeps each night, so yay! I *can* get it together!

I felt on the OK side of my new normal when I got up this morning, after 9 hours of sleeps, but after my 10am allergy shot I am craaaashing sho hard. At least I only get these things every three weeks now.

One other problem cropping up- some evenings, especially Thursday, I end up with a lot of time and nothing to do. And due to the brainfog, I forget that I have jewelry supplies, audio books, podcasts, and dvds. So I usually space out at Youtube for a while. Last Thursday nite I actually got 10 hours of sleep due to boredom.

I'm bored for the first time in ... I can't remember :-P. And yet I end up stressed out by Sunday night b/c I don't get all my chores done until the last minute. That's something I need to work on. Its just odd how on weekends my brain's all "Hey wake up, its 10am!" but then sits in zombie mode for the next 8 hours and I don't get much done. Can I get more sleeps and more activities pls?

This weekend I need to work on the regular chores + taxes, but I hope to do something creative. To remind myself that I *can* do creative things at home. Hoping taxes don't melt my brain too badly.

And I will have to leave the house on a CC run, b/c it will include annoyingly shaped/fragile items so my small bag won't cut it. I think I'm getting the hang of budgeting my groceries. Lets see if I can keep up with it when I'm actually *buying* them.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
My attempt at unf#$%ing my life is already running into some road blocks, but I think I just need to stick to my guns. Sho only *one* literary event this week (of two), and it'll be the one tomorrow. Right now I just want scrambled eggs with hot sauce, followed by naps.

Monday nights are just so tricky to deal with. I don't get out of work until 9:30pm, the trains are slower (or almost shut down like for last week's weird late nite construction), and any icky weather that happened after normal closing-time hasn't been cleaned up (also like last week). By the time I get home its usually 10:30-11pm or later, and I need to eat something b/c I can't sleep hungry. But if I eat something that's too complex, too close to bed time, I wake up with a stomach ache. And b/c I'm strung out and tired, its easy to get distracted from bed-time. If I manage to get into bed by midnight, I can get a bit less than 8 hours, but that's usually not the case. I got 10 hours Sunday night, but I'm not sure if this will help noticeably in week 1.

Tuesday nights are also a bit cramped time-wise, b/c I get out of work from the slightly-later shift of 6pm, and then have to be up for the earliest shift the next morning. And if I didn't get enough sleep on Monday, all bets are off. And losing track of one's resolutions early in the work week can spell "Whups" later on. Luckily I've written them all on the internet this time?


I've also had a weird muscle spasm in the base of my thumb for two days. No idea why. What new bs will I have to deal with now, body? And I've been super forgetful so far, but that could be normal now. At least I have acupuncture this week. And I cancelled my appointment with the sleep doc, so that's a nice subtraction from my drama totals this week. Tho now I need a new sleep doc.


As for recent accomplishments ... meh. A weekend. )

Financial Karma? )


Y'know, the cold weather doesn't bother me so much as ALL THE COUGHING I have to hear every day at work. So I don't so much want Spring to start as I want flu-season to end. And now *I'm* coughing, so I'm concerned one of these little jerks has made me sick for a third time in three months :-/

While cooking on Saturday, I also finally put all of my boxes of tea into a larger, clear container so I stop putting them in stacks that fall over. And I have a lot of tea. Might have to start having tea parties just to get rid of some of it.


And there's tarot for this week:Big pretty tarot cards )

I'm a bit fuzzy headed right now, but taking this reading as a good sign for my planned hermitty time. Tho the Hermit himself didn't actually show up. *shrugs* I gotta figure some stuff out. And if I get bored, make some more shiny things. And take pictures of them.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
The latest life-yuck has inspired me to be more focused in dealing with my fatigue problem, but at least now that it might be a sleep problem its easier to work on that one thing. If doctors don't actually know what is causing this brain wave abnormality, or what could make it stop, I have no reason *not* to experiment on myself with fewer side effects :-P

So this is me, trying to maximize my spoon savings, between doing things ahead of time on less active days (weekends), thus giving myself permission to not do *anything* at the end of active days (weekdays). And some hacks good for everyday. All ultimately geared towards making myself not too distracted or wound up to sleep at night, while keeping up with my daily survival.

Hack & Slash )

It also makes me sad to think that for me, more balance = less seeing of friends and fewer group activities. But maybe that's just the sacrifice I have to make for now, and if I manage to jumpstart my spoon supplies, and then my personal projects, my social life will be more sustainable. And at least I can still talk to friends via FB... when I remember to reply to their messages. *sigh*

Actually, its not like I see that many people very often anymore, its just that now I've decided to stop feeling guilty about it. Srsly friends, there are things about my daily life problems I haven't explained in public b/c I didn't realize how serious they might be. And when I did, I didn't want to freak ppl out. But even if they turn out to not be that serious, I'd still like them to stop, and I may have to miss some shows and/or parties to ensure that happens.

I will happily 'like' all the FB photos of your adventures, but I can't have any more adventures of my own until I fix this.


And I will probably be taking stock of if/how this is working out around my b'day, mid May. So 6ish weeks from now, seems good. If things aren't working *at all* by then, will have to re-hack.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (galadriel lembas mix)
So this weekend was even less productive, and even less satisfying than the previous. Was two-weekends-ago with all the binge cleaning just a fluke? Meh. I am exhausted today, and not sure how I'm gonna make it through the week. Meh!

Chores )

Teh healths )

As for work, today I've decided to be more resolute in focusing on the parts of my day-job that are actually quite nice for someone with CF. Mostly that it requires me to sit on my butt for hours at a time, and doesn't tax my brain with too many projects at once. Also we get really long lunch breaks here. Yay?

I've also put together another seed bead embroidery project, to add weight to another one of my jersey skirts. Its spring break, so there may be a lot of slow days on the circ desk, and some of my headaches seem eye-strain induced. So less computer time = good.

Fantastic Fiction @ KGB is Wednesday. Would like to go, but am worried about potential awkward at dinner. But the bar usually opens at 6, and I get off work at 5, so I'll probably try to eat my own dinner at the office and then hope nobody minds if I don't join the table-share at the restaurant. But I may also run out of steam by then and have to go home after the readings, so who knows.

Sunday I'm having an early Easter dinner with my family in NJ, b/c they're going away Easter weekend, but so far the plan is to just order from Outback Steakhouse. And, um, I don't know how good they are for my issues yet. But Ima try to bake my gf/df brownies to take with me this time, so I won't feel so bad about missing out on the traditional chocolate bunnies.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Friday night I started taking 3mg of melatonin at bedtime, like I stopped doing around January 2011, and I feel pretty OK. No residual drowsiness (tho with me, that's hard to tell anyway).

Actually, I've had a really super busy weekend (by my current standards), despite wanting to crawl inside my own skull and expire for most of Friday. I had already put sewing out of my mind that day due to my negative bonus to dex for two days running, so I got hyped up for home improvement and chores, which turned into another bout of Discardia.

A Weekend Full of Accomplishments )

Jebus. OK, that was mostly just cleaning, feel free to skip the cut tags. But I have precious little else to be excited about these days, so I enjoyed it while it was happening.

Did not get around to the dusting, but by the end of the weekend most of it was probably airborne. So its in my best interest to let it fall to the surfaces and then kill it with cloths and swiffers next weekend. And then wet-wash the floors once its warm enough to open the back door for chemical venting. I wore a cheap dust mask for most of the work, and don't have a S.I. today, so double yay.

And I still haven't cleaned up the top of the fridge, which used to be mouse central, b/c issues. But soon I think. Maybe I just did all of that other cleaning to avoid that one little spot of territory? Blah, issues.

When it gets warm outside, I may finally feel functional enough to wash the f#$% out of the balcony and start setting up that space again. Not to mention, painting the bathroom and hallway seem less intimidating. Even the kitchen reno, but less intimidating still leaves that kind of intimidating. Eeep.


However, this is all dependent on me feeling less CF-y. Which I do so far. Unfortunately I could also just be pms'ing, which sometimes results in extra energy and good mood swings. So if I still feel on the better side of my normal next week, or even better than that, I'll start considering getting a life again. I'm not sure a massive, early spring cleaning binge really counts.

Other things that need to happen sooner: Taxes, photographing the latest shinies. Less sooner, I'm finally mending/fixing old clothes so I don't have to buy new ones, yay! And maybe that pattern sewing project I recently got fabric for. DCon is only 6 months away, so I'm starting to suss out if I need any new patterns & fabric, or if by coincidence I already have everything I need.

A friend is having a b'day party on Friday that I'll try to attend, I'd like to try and hit Browncoats on Saturday afternoon, and NYRSF is Wednesday, so maybe I'll have the energy for some of that socializing.

<3 Chrysilla

Today's Health Rating:

1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal, YAY!

March 2017

S M T W T F S
   1234
5678 91011
12 13141516 1718
1920 2122232425
26 2728293031 

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jun. 25th, 2017 05:10 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios