chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
So last week was pretty mixed.

Tuesday night I went to a book/music Fairyland event, and it wuz AWESOME.

It was a CMV/S00j event, so it was a wonderful combo of the new book and new album, and I picked up the previous book that I missed, and got to gabble with lots of new and old friends and YAY! Not really sure what else needs to be described. Yay! Unbridled awesomeness!

By the end of the late evening with friends, I was very wired, and already due to be late for bedtime. But I felt more like myself that I have for... months? Years? So it was a little bittersweet. A) I haven't been myself in so long, B) I couldn't tell how long it would last.

Last week's tarot indicated that there'd be a hammer launched at my CFS problems, so *hopefully* this is more helpful data on what wakes up teh Chrysilla. I am a social creature, despite my upbringing, and those batteries need to be recharged by the presence of other people.


And Wednesday I was a bit strung out, but no where near as bad as I would have expected based on getting to bed an hour late, and then having more trouble falling asleep. Furthermore, stressful dreams of "Its high school finals and I don't remember going to class in the first place. D-:"

Today in therapy I talked about how when I *was* in h.s., I had a whole bunch of apocalypse dreams. But they weren't nightmares, b/c me and my dream-friends would always survive and go on. I figured it was about how college was looming as a wonderful escape from the life I didn't like. The other day I reflected about how much I miss those dreams. Give me an apocalypse over high school any day :-P

By comparison, I think the h.s. test dreams are also an expression of "Ugh, I hate my life" but I don't have a clear path out of this one. HS-to-college is a very clear path to escape, or at least it was for me. And there's the additional element that there's something wrong with me and I don't know what it is. I didn't get to take a CFS class, I don't know how to pass the test. I don't know how to fix the problem, and I have very little to go on.


Less fun & interesting bits )

So I was productive last week, but not really *creative*. If I go out I have great fun and feel awesome, if I stay home I crash out and turn into a zombie. In neither scenario do I get any writing done, and this is very frustrating.

Wondering if I also need to give up pattern sewing for a while (post wedding), until its time to get ready for DCon. Or maybe put those two costumes on hold too. What's more important, realizing my long term goals or having people maybe take my picture at con?

It couldn't hurt to put sewing aside for November (or earlier, depending on when I finish the costume, and the Doom Coat, and a couple other UFOs), leave the jewelry aside, and see where that leaves me in terms of creative energy. Like beads, fabric doesn't spoil. And I have such a nice system of storage for it. Tidy apartment, messy desk :-)



This week, I'm meeting up with a friend for dinner & BPAL geekery on Tuesday. We did a combined order to save on shipping, and it's just come in. Yaay for friends and BPAL :-)

Wednesday I have my allergy shot, but also the pneumonia vaccine. I do OK with the yearly flu vaccines, but this one is an every-few-years deal so... not sure what's going to happen to me. But will not forget the 48 hour reporting window for my "sinuses suck" claim if it makes me sick again.

Leaving Thursday open in case of bodily fail, the rest of the week is pretty much up in the air. Friday there's another bookish event, by an author friend who's in town again for NYCC, but it depends on whether or not my body works. Would be nice to see yet another group of writers I like. Not doing NYCC itself, but there are several parties going on over the weekend that I might try if I'm healthy. Sho glad I'm not hosting any of them this year :-P

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
Cannot concentrate on cataloging, but I've also finished going thru the 'further search' piles (and managed to catalog about 75% of them, w00t for towers of books *not* falling on me), and TheOldReader is still down, so hello blog.


Realized today how odd it is that I'm looking to work on an audio-drama podcast project, when very few people ever seem to listen to me. But then again, I think I'd be happy enough just completing it for those few people. Yay?


Still fretting and mulling over whether or not I'll be functional when it stops being hot outside. It would be ironic if the warm temps are waking up my system, but also extra-fogging my brain. Or the starch-trick may not work anymore by September. Just don't know what to think. Fretting probably does not help, tho. But like I said, I *do* have more energy, just way less focus, and not enough energy to get over the humidity and go out.


I've been in super obsessive costume/crafting frenzy for days, which now I think is a combo of PMS and a full moon. I've had worse weeks. And at least that brand of brain-weird seems to be subsiding into angsty daydreams. Not sure which I like less. But the getting-crafts-done proves that I do have some energy and focus. Would there be more to work with if it wasn't summer? Or less?


Also thinking through the acupuncture situation. It was really nice having a health-care type person in my life who remembered who I was and what my issues were on sight. Even my nice newish doctor can't do that. But I'm still doing better this month than I expected, physically and emotionally, despite triggers of physical and emo horribleness.


Last night I ordered fabric for the wedding-costume-dress, b/c they were running low on the swatch that I liked best, despite being over budget for the month. It was still only $4 per yard, but I'm deducting that much from next month's 'extras' budget total (tho it counts as spending for this month). And making a list of a few other things I 'need' to pick up in August so I don't overdo it again :-P A couple of lipsticks from the samples I liked (so far, still only 2), B&BW is having a sale so I can pick up my face wash for cheap, I need to get my jackets and coats drycleaned before its cold again, and so far that's it on specifics. Would like to keep it a short, low list in case of emergencies. And b/c DCon will still offset things, even with my savings scheme.

Crafty & sewing stuffs )

And tonight is my allergy shot, so lessee if I esplode. Yaaaay. I remembered to bring an apple to eat at her office, maybe this time I'll remember to take it with me *to* the appointment.


Also had a weird dream last night. I was in a version of my old parents-home bedroom, which was also in my old high school, and I was going through my dresser and other bins of clothing which I hadn't seen in years. New members of my old drama club were poking around with me, and I said I'd happily donate what I didn't want anymore to them for costumes, and that was likely to be a lot of stuff. Odd that my friend Tim R. was also now the 'advisor' in charge of the Masques (he did not go to my h.s.). There was also a lot of wall art that I really liked and wanted to take with me, but there was a LOT of it, and I even wanted to leave some of that behind. And my dresser (which is actually in my chantry now).

So Discardia has now invaded my dreams. OK?

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
I've felt strangely not-awful this week. Despite the cleaning binge & all the rains (tho there have been migraine teases, I have meds for that), I am still a functional person, and my energy levels seem to be going up a bit.

So I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why, hoping its not a random phenomenon:
Why so awake? )

My tummy is still grouchy, but I'm learning how to deal with the new weirdness. But my skin is also breaking out more this week. And when the CF started gaining traction in my life, my skin became abnormally clear for me. That indicated that my problem might be hormonal, which indicated that it might be my thyroid, but common medical industry practice is "F#$% your problems if they don't show up on our tests the way we say they're s'posed to." So while my thyroid looks inflamed on an ultrasound, my blood tests are in the 'normal' rage, so f#$% me.

And wasn't I super sleepy for the last two weeks? And now I'm more awake than usual. Hmph. Body, you need a better manner of communication. "Owch" and "Zzzzz" just aren't enough.



Thanx to newfound energy and a bit more focus, I'm working on my usual summer backlog at work, and finally remembered to order my plane tix for Dragoncon. And I'm making a more focused effort to find roommates, that involves me *writing down* interested parties and details in case my brain shuts down again.

But DCon in two+ months isn't enough for me, I wanna be geeking out nooooow. So I'm looking into geeky meetups in NYC. Looking For Group )

That's odd now that I think about it. My brain has a few extra spoons to work with, and its all RESEARCH CONS instead of WRITE SCRIPTS. Will mull this over. I still haven't had a moment to sit down and mull/meditate over the Sedonia stuff in the privacy of my own home, b/c things. Maybe I'll finally get that together tonite. And more thinking on whether or not I'll remain a hermit, but the lack of social offerings in NYC that don't start *after* my bedtime in far off boroughs may keep that a slow gradual process.

Lol, yesterday I had more spoons, but was teetering into a bad mood (b/c reasons), and suddenly remembered that I could text a local Village-centric friend to see if they wanted to hang out after work. And we did! And had Bareburger, on LaGuardia but I just made sure not to order a (cricket) salad with my burger. Good idea, considering the rest of the week will be rained out. And still got home after hanging out/dinner with more than enough time to fold excess laundry and get ready for bed. And falling asleep was a bit harder again due to "OMG AWAKE" but otherwise I slept OK.

And weird dreams happened )

This weekend is Dad's Day, and I was waiting for a verdict on that before making other plans. And the fam wants to come into Queens for Bareburger on Sunday, so I have time for more stuff aside from chores. That could be cutting fabric for the DCon costume, or more weird baking experiments, haven't decided yet. Oh, and some extra cleaning tasks that didn't work out last week for one reason or another.

I'm going to try limiting my sewing habit to 3 hours per weekend, and hopefully I'll get the B5 dress done by LDW without burning myself out. But that will include a mockup/muslin of the jacket part. Will see how this works out. There are some other light-costuming bits I'd like to finish from the project bin, but I'm not entirely sure I have places to wear them yet. *shrugs*

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (witch)
Its another long, slow Monday night at work full of coughing patrons. But after tonight, no more Monday nites until June, b/c I'm taking off for my b'day next week, and the week after is Memorial Day. And after that, its summer session, and hopefully most of the coughing patrons will be off and away. So ... one more night.

I really hope summer session helps me reset my system some more, and set up some new habits. Like working on photo/writing stuff while on the circ desk, getting a more regular sleep cycle for a few months, etc. Becoming less cranky about patrons in general. At least I hope its not *more* stressful, that may be the summer of 2014. There's a plan to replace all of the windows on our floor, which are all floor to ceiling and make up almost the whole outer wall of the library. Not sure if they'll shut us down for that this time, tho.


The weekend was ... adequate. Indian food is magical? )

And the plan is to do combined MomsDay/CrisDay stuff on this coming Saturday, since I'll have a four day weekend and hopefully not be too ded tired to enjoy myself outside like this weekend. Might get a couple of (light, folding) things for the balcony, its too bad I was in no state to work on that space this weekend. The rainy weather is actually great for that. Oh well.


I found a little sketch pad I was no longer using for ideas (b'c I don't really have many of those anymore) and am starting to use it as a food journal this week. If my brain really does need a less fibrous, more-complex-than-plain-sugar type of carbohydrate to function, I will figure out which one hurts the least. Am also working on eating less fresh fruit/veg to see if my tummy settles. Counter-intuitive for spring, but welcome to my life.


And this is our tarot forecast: Tarot pic! ) Hopefully good omens for creative work. And y'know, birthday. I will settle for being awake enough to remember to meditate and do some yoga.

Was going to try and organize some written script bits this evening, but just spaced out instead. *shrugs* I'm considering going on a blog-fast for a few weeks and reading through the collection of short story collections I keep at the office, b/c the blogs were just too distracting tonite. I think my brain needs more complexity in its input, and not just food-wise.

Still not balanced. Don't really have anything to balance *with* yet. But I'm feeling a tiny bit better than last week, so hopefully this is the start of good things.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
I think this is the beginning of Hardcore Hermitting Week Four, and ... I almost am starting to feel better?

Its difficult to gauge, I think I'd be feeling better if I hadn't been sick last weekend. And between illness and world-wide news last week, I was pretty ready to go home Friday night and stay in my chantry until the world's proper end. But my neighbor-friend tempted me two blocks away to his house with grass fed beef shin and properly cooked bone marrow, and probably some plant matter that I don't remember. My stomach couldn't get thru all of it, but I think I ate most and didn't explode, so yay for that.

He also got me started on Hemlock Grove, for better or worse. Its VERY Twin Peaks like, to the point where I think they played a remix of the theme music during the school-dance scene in episode 2. It has the same weird ungainly mix of pacing, where some bits are just so f'ing boring and pointless, and other parts you need to rewind and turn on the subtitles to figure out what just happened. A lot more graphic than TP, with much better special effects, and more teenage drama thrown in. Also, lots of characters vomiting, I guess that's supposed to make it more edgy. *shrugs* Got a bit more than halfway through this weekend, will probably finish it next weekend.


Things happened other than tv this weekend. Accomplishments )

Sadly, no creative beading/writing work got done this weekend. But I half expected that due to being sick last week. I did dream of packing up lots of beads and jewelry supplies Saturday nite, tho, to take with me somewhere or other. Don't remember any other details. I did re-pack a bunch of the new materials into my traveling bead kit for this week. Yay new necklaces in strange new color combos. Maybe someday I'll remember to photograph the pile of pieces I've already completed.


This week's focus is to read the books I already have on treating anxiety problems. New Brain-Hacking )

This week's tarot reading looks dramatic but hopeful: Tarot! )

Also mulling over b'day plans. Maybe go for dinner with ppl in a Chrys-safe restaurant, and then go to see the new Star Trek movie? But this would be 5/18, and I'm not sure which of my friends will not have already seen it by Saturday.

Beltane is coming up, and I just don't give a f#$%. Another reminder to change the salt-bowl. Tho I'm tempted to make this year's prayer something along the lines of "No, F#$% YOU universe!!" *sigh* Its a 'school' nite anyway. Some friends' b'days are the following weekend, fun but I'll probably only be able to do one.

But here I am, and I will keep on keepin' on for another week. I actually feel kinda impatient right now, like I'd rather be at home doing creative stuff than here at work. Tho if I *were* suddenly home, that's no guarantee that I'd actually do anything. Still pretty brain fogged, so who knows.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
I'm trying to figure out if this winter was my worst cf time so far, but it's hard to deduce due to two years of brainfog. General fussings of where am I, and what am I doing? )

Argh, too much thinking, on 9 hours of sleep that turned out to be not good enough.

Did have a weird dream last night, tho it wasn't that stressful. Chrysilla's adventures in Bordertown. )

So... lost in a new city (but not freaking out, I did know where I was), paying for my livelihood in my own body parts, food & money stress, writing in a book (that looks like my dayplanner) can help me find my way ... OK, those bits are helpful. But it would also have been nice to sleep properly. I have a notion to turn this into a short story (or audio drama, tho the legalities of producing a BT story might be tricky), titled "I'm not even supposed to be here today," with more snark and angst probably.


I felt like my writer demons were waking up again last night, so maybe I'll get to some actual writing work this weekend. However, the cooking demons also woke up and want to make tons of soup instead. Why ... I dunno, I get weird notions. There is actually less required cooking to worry about this weekend, but more laundry.

Also, since the writer demons seem to wake up the most when I'm in the shower, maybe that's where my muse lives/has been hiding. So I should probably clean the bathtub.


Last night I also finally repaired some broken necklaces, including the Eshu necklace, plus some upgrades to the pendant so it hangs properly. Was rewarded with surprisingly fast trains this morning. I went with repair b/c I finally had the FMG order, and I didn't feel awake enough to do new creative things, but I think it worked out in the end. Not sure how I feel about crimps and tiger tail, so I'll stick to other projects until I see how these new/old pieces wear out.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
I accomplished things on a weeknight! OMG!

Jewelry happened! Like for real! )

Was dragging my feet and brain all week, then felt noticeably better starting Thursday afternoon (despite accidentally packing twice as much chocolate in my lunch bag, whups). Wednesday nite was anti-anxiety acupuncture, but also a thunderstorm which would have washed all the confused summer pollen out of the air before cooling down the city again. And I had been having a lot of behind-the-eyes headaches (allergies? sinuses?) this week. So not sure if one or both helped.

My dreams have become gradually less vivid and stressful, but I had at least one dream this week about being at some con and running around. That, plus last week's larp dream, and Sunday nite's super boring improv dream, is giving me some indication of where even my unconscious would rather be.

Also this week- mailed my taxes, finally communicated with the con that I can't attend in late April due to health reasons (and they were really nice about it, so I'm even sadder about not going), and started unraveling more new problems with new/old FMLA claims at work (UGH WHY UGH).

FMLame )

Due to the need for beads I had planned to put off replacing my boots until May, but forgot about that whole "April showers" thing. And there's a hole in the right sole. Oops. Boots. )

There are things on the to-do list for this weekend like normal, but I'm wondering if I'd be better off doing more jewelry work instead of cleaning the balcony. Still gonna clean the bathroom and kitchen tho, esp the kitchen, since its spring pest season. I'm weighing "Things that make me $$" vs. "Having more places to sit around the house." I could make more shiny things and/or photograph them, and that might be a better investment of time in the long run. Also... how much will I really utilize the outdoor space given the increasing pollen? At least I already have plans for creepy-neighbor shielding.

I will also try cooking leg-of-lamb again (CC supplies permitting). But this time, no weird doubled/tripled recipes or fancy sauces, just roasting in the oven. And I won't be experimenting with my nighttime meds during the day at the same time for this'un :-P.


Was contemplating exercise again, and how annoying it is to schedule into my day when I have so much trouble getting up in time for work. But on more thought, mornings are really only horrible Tuesday thru Thursday. Friday and Monday have later starts, and then there's the weekend. So maybe I can establish exercising Friday thru Monday, four out of seven days a week, and that could help some things. Yay reframing.

Overall, hermitting experiment seems to be starting to work. I had the energy/focus to make shiny things in my own home this week, and that's more than previous weeks. I can't learn to thrive until I re-learn how to survive.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (bb accounts)
This will be the first full hardcore week of hermitting, since last week there was that book event I wanted to attend. And y'know, sit on the couch and space out for most of it. I'm curious to see what happens to me this week assuming nothing smacks me from out of left field. No more social guilt, yaaaay! And I think my mid-May b'day will be a good future date to take stock of the experiment. If its not working by then, may have to change tactics again.

Because of (some) taxes, I didn't get to bed until about 1am, but that still left me a window for 8 hours of sleep. At 5am I woke up from a bad dream with large bugs in it, and it was very difficult to get back to sleep. So I'm fragged today. If I don't switch on the computer *at all* when I get home tonight, I may make a normal bedtime tho.

I had to convince myself that I would devote my week to extra tidying up and anti-pest measures this week to get myself to calm down. Once awake in the daylight I was less interested in doing any of those things, but it is that time of year again. I think? Meh. Can I just decide not to be phobic anymore? Is that a thing?

In therapy today, I reflected on how until recently I hadn't seen any of my late night 'hypervigilance' problems as anxiety. And hadn't really noticed how uncomfortable it was until a few weeks ago. One more check in the 'no duh' category. Now its the main reason I want to fix my sleep, I'm tired of jumping every time I see my own foot out of the corner of my eye :-P

Don't have an acupuncture appointment this week, but if I call ahead on Wednesday I may be able to stop by her practice and pick up more of those sleep-brain-calming herbal pills. And I did sleep better Thurs-Sat nights after anti-stress acupuncture, but I can't afford it every week. I didn't even need my marathon sleeps, although now that I've had a bad night to start off Monday I kinda wish I'd had that extra cushion.

Speaking of cushions, by the beginning of next week I should have a nice cushion of time-off days, so I can stop being so paranoid about getting another week long sinus infection. Yay?

Accomplishments )

Jewelries )

Weekly Tarot Forecast )

Sho lets see what happens.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (bb accounts)
Last night I went to acupuncture, and while she didn't have any of the herbal supplements I wanted to keep taking at her Manhattan location, she agreed to needle me for anti-anxiety + pro-sleep rather than winding me up like a clockwork toy. Today I still feel kinda 'Ick' in the head, but noticeably less so than the rest of the work week.

Tho it seems like lots of ppl I know have been having a rough week sleep/dream wise. Srsly? Spring gets here and ppl stop sleeping properly enough to not be cranky all the time? I question this system :-P

Another weirdness, started eating rice again b/c I thought the accidental low-carbing was making me feel more run down. Started with brown rice, but too much fiber :-P. Then white rice, but this week I noticed it giving me some kind of sugar crash. So next week I'm back to low carb lunches with moar veggies, just to see what happens.

And I completely forgot to line up a new sleep doc this week. B/c I was too sleepy to remember all week. Damn you irony. But it was nice to sleep in this morning instead of going to see Dr.Jerk before work, yay.

Teh life planz )

Groceries, the new enemy of budgets? )

And in line with the resurrection themes of Ostara and Easter, Ima try making one of those vision board thingies this weekend. For the ideal life I want to have, the first step on the path being my recent Spoon-Saving-Manifesto thingie. If I don't space out and forget, and or run out of printer ink. I don't really use my cork board for anything productive (except hanging the paper calendar) so its worth a shot, right? All the pagans are doing it nowadays, or something.

Oh, and my NYS sales tax was due on 3/20, and I need to open some kind of online account to pay them now, so it'll be a minimum of $50 this year :-P. So this *should* also be tax weekend.

There are lots of things I'd like to work on, but just haven't been able to get it together for one reason or another. But I've had one better night of sleep, and now its the weekend, so *crosses fingers*. Also, I got that live Bway recording of Rent on DVD from Netflix, yaaaay something to look forward to.

<3 Chrysilla

Today's Health Rating:

1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal, YAY!

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