chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Lots of thinks and feels today. So, journal time.

Like I've said before, the fact that I'm sho much extra frustrated about my life right now is hopefully a sign that the brainfog is starting to lift. But ... I'm still frustrated. Life is less than pleasant, and feeling frustrated is unpleasant.

So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just chill out and hope the brainfog is unraveling on its own, assuming this isn't just another outlier, or force my way through it with a jackhammer.

Obvious problem with making a plan of action- if the brainfog comes back, I forget all the plans and end up a zombie again.

Is it the trying/striving that's keeping me fatigued? Or will enough justified anger give me a lift out of this perpetual annoyingness?


Life before *constant* brainfog )

I tried setting up goals & deadlines for jewelry and writing in the last couple of years, every attempt failed miserably. At least, so far. On the other hand, I finished costuming stuff early for DCon. Is this a good sign that I should try that technique again?


Also thinking back to the spring/summer of 2011 when this problem became obvious. And why then?

External and internal system betrayals )

And then there's the idea that I am better physically, but now all that's left is a big mental block that metaphorically resembles a mucus plug in my brain. And the mind makes things real enough.

I have not yet figured out how to hack my brain subconsciously, sadly. And that's assuming that I'm *not* suffering physically. I am not the biggest fan of medical science these days.


Its very difficult for me to not over-think things. Brevity happens when I edit something down.

Possibly the best plan I can think of is that now I can remember that I have a dayplanner (or at least I could this week) maybe I should just stick to very short-term goals and ignore thinking about all of these problems. Or 'letting go' of them, and of the *wanting* to fix them, in the Sedona way. One hour of sewing. One hour of jewelry. Photograph/catalog/upload 5 things for the Etsy shop. One evening out with friend(s) per week. Edit one episode of project. Ten minutes of yoga while watching teh Youtube.

As I learned with saving $$ for DCon, things add up eventually, and then you go o_O I did all that?? And reintroducing myself to what I luv in a low-pressure way may get me back into my old groove. No deadlines. Don't look at the big picture, ONLY look at the thumbnail. And enjoy the thumbnail.


On the other hand... what happens on days when I can't even remember that there is a thumbnail? :-/

<3 Chrysilla


ps, Also still trying not to drive myself crazy before DCon, with mixed results. Which is why the 'just give up' aspects are so appealing.

pps, Oh duh, see also this week's tarot forecast :-P
Tarot on Tumblr
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
Better today. A few theories on recent grumpiness:

-I ran out of 5HTP on Saturday nite, and didn't remember to get more until Tuesday evening. It's a chemical that the body turns into serotonin. Durh.

-I've still been a bit extra grumpy before I ran out of supplements and missed other vitamins. Could it be that the brain fog is clearing enough for me to be frustrated about having brainfog? Instead of just staring into space and immediately forgetting what I was thinking about as per usual.

My tummy also isn't helping. Tummy aches, random facial muscle spasms, and dietary implications. )

Thinking about stress )

More good news: my fall scheduling idea is OK with everybody, so next semester I'll still work 1:30-9:30 on Mondays, but every other day will be 9-5 and I'll do the opening shift every morning. So I can keep my sleep schedule more regular, and it helps keep me from staying out late on weeknights (not that its really a problem right now :-P). It also helps those tai chi classes fit my schedule nicely, if I manage to get out there a few times a month. Can get my allergy shots after work from now on, that also fits better this way.


Found this article too, on Scientific American Your thoughts can release abilities beyond normal limits. Includes a study where a fatigue-response was suppressed with a placebo that was supposed to be caffeine. So how do I *consciously* hack my brain into not being all fogged up all the time? I've changed my diet and habits in the hope that they would fix all-the-things, but did I not believe it enough? Are there some disorders even placebos can't solve?


Overall, I've decided *not* to push myself on body hacks or socializing for the next couple of weeks, until after DragonCon. Them maybe I will be rested when I arrive. For once. Assuming there isn't an earthquake and/or hurricane between now and then (2011 was f'ing weird). There will (hopefully) be a meetup of our B5 cosplayers before con, but that's it. Ima enjoy being leisurely and at home this weekend (with optional sewing project :-P), and next weekend there will be lots of laundry and con-prep.

Also... I'm a bit overbudget. More b/c of the electricity bill than anything else. Only a little bit over on groceries (darn fun Indian food section), and I'll still need bananas this week, so *shrugs*. Its still a lot less over than it used to be, yipes. But staying home for inexpensive fun = yay, and con gets its own budget/revenue stream.

Well, OK, I would like to at least try to remember daily light exercise. 10 minutes of yoga per day won't hurt me. Now if only I could *remember* it. Like the tai chi classes, I just forget that they're a thing :-/ I don't really have a goal aside from the exercising itself, weight loss isn't really a thing I care about right now. Its more like I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of remembering it. Is that odd?


Tuesday nite, tho, I completed many tasks written in my dayplanner in a frustrated migraine-infused fatigue-rage, and did not explode or pass out. So that's a good sign:
-I remembered I have a dayplanner! OMG!
-Finished bug-proofing the bathroom.
-Finally fixed my paypal account.
-Got that 5HTP.
-Organized my vitamin case for the rest of the week.
Yay, accomplishments, however modest. That was another nice thing about sewing, completing tasks that *stay*. Unlike cooking.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
This was an OK week. Still very groggy and low energy, but Thursday night I went out to a Harry Potter fan meetup group anyway. I figured, if I feel worse afterwards that's a problem, but if I still feel normal ick-levels than what's the point of staying home? I forgot to pack a dinner, so had to stop off somewhere for a gf/df meal, and that was annoying. And the burger seemed to make me dizzy after, too much noms? Carb crash? I dunno.

Once I got to the meetup location it was OK. I talked to some ppl, made a couple of new friends, it was nice. Well, except for the most brutal game of Potterverse-themed pictionary I've ever seen, which was alternatively obnoxious and boring, but that didn't last all evening. And the event-runners assured me that usually their gatherings are just meet-n-greet instead of loud and aggressive party games. Met some interesting new ppl, got a free printing of a webcomic, was OK :-) Nice low-energy social gathering.

Felt a bit more energy by the time I got home actually, but again in that 'I'm finally awake and its bedtime' way. Ooops. And I'm really crashing out today, but that's kinda normal for Friday. Analysis- going out will not break me. I will *try* for Browncoats on Saturday, but the reason the Potter gathering works so well is that its on a weeknight, after I'm already out of the house. Any weekend stuff is tough, b/c once my fatigued butt is settled in the apartment it's really difficult to pry it loose until Monday.

Like I said, crashing today. Was planning to drag a friend the Rubin tonite (free 6pm-10pm on Fridays) but now I don't think I'll be up for the walking and standing around. Maybe I need to limit myself to one social gathering per week (*usually* HP is on the first Thursday, and Browncoats on the second Saturday, so those won't coincide every month). But also pledge to attend one social gathering per week.

Latest tummy & diet stuff, not tmi, but y'know. )

Another possible reason for my crashing out for the last two weeks may be my crafty projects. I was OK, in fact better than usual, when I was sewing the costume b/c I stuck to one hour sewing sessions. But the polymer clay put me into a clay-hole for hours and hours at a time for the last two weekends. I worry about leaving unfinished clay work out between craft marathons. It doesn't air dry, but my apartment and I are both accident prone, and things can get squished. I'll have to figure out a way to make it 1-hr compliant if I want to keep working with it :-/ It could also be a fumes thing, but honestly the fumes weren't that bad this time. Unless my sinuses/olfactory senses are on the fritz.


Weekend plans include mebbe Browncoats, and my usual chores. Not sure if I'll be working on crafty stuff, given recent crashing out.

Sewing! Maybe. )

In other news, it is SOOOOO NICE that I don't have to worry anymore about my costume. OMG. Well, except for getting it there. Otherwise, no worries :-) Yaaay no last minute craziness. And only three weeks to go! :-D

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Have been costume-fretting again this week. But today I managed to at least refocus that energy on the costume I'm actually *making* right now. Still trying to figure out how I'm going to do the head-piece and jewelry, but I've done some internet research and sketched some ideas, so will see what happens. But yay, getting interested in shiny things again.

Sewing and costume stuffs. )

As for my Etsy shop ... I'm still not giving it up, but I'm making an effort to care less about how much stuff is up there and whether or not I'm updating regularly. Energy wise, I'm going to keep this at 'hobby' level rather than 'important alternative revenue stream' level. The personal-finance-blogosphere may be all about the side hustle, but I don't think any of the ppl I read have a fatigue problem. So the continued pattern of not-regular or frequent updates will continue, and I will stop feeling guilty about it. As hobbies go, mine is way less expensive than some others I could think of now that I know how to keep myself on-track.


Doing an hour of work each evening with my sewing was working pretty well until the summer fried my brain, but I'll see if I can get back to that if my system acclimates enough. Or just pick it up again in September. Also, if I can just will myself to do an hour of *something* each week night, it doesn't have to be sewing. Could write or bead for an hour, or get ahead on chores before spacing out again on youtube.

Tho I'm also too brain-fried to go out as I'd planned for this month, b/c when I made those plans I completely forgot that summer makes me feel yucky. So its annoying that I can't do fun things at home either. But this is already a familiar groove for me :-P



Looking back over the last couple of months, I've noticed another correlation between my habits and my increase of energy that started in early June: a more regular sleep schedule. Summer hours at work started after my b'day, and then I also started eating starchy carbs again, and then I was feeling better.

Fixing my future sleep schedule? )

Tho in that case, I also noticed that Saturn's gone direct recently, having been in retrograde since February, which is when I reeeeealy started to crash out again. Darnit astrology, I wish I could quit you. But Saturn is the teacher of cause and effect, and it may have taken regular sleep and starchy carbs to wake me up again, so ... does this mean I pass?



Feeling better energy today, and my brain is a bit more active thanx to jewelry-tutorial research (I remembered my Pinterest login on the first try, after months away, OMG progress), but I'm not sure that I want to go to a meetup full of new people tonight in unknown territory. I remembered to pack an extra lunch, and 7pm is a good time for me, but my stomach has been extra cranky today. If I were at 4+ I would probably go, but at 3 with stomach probs I should probably bow out for this month. Socializing + feeling ick does not go well with me. Also, there's ice cream and peaches and sewing at home, and its too hot outside to wear my Ravenclaw vest to a Potter meetup :-P

Browncoats is this weekend if I feel up for it (and I've already simplified cooking plans just in case), and next Thursday I have dinner plans with another friend, so I'm not without other more-comfortable options. Or maybe I'll feel much better within the next 2 hours and go anyway. *shrugs*


I'm also slowly going through my new full and sample sized gluten free makeups to see how they work. At least one lipstick sample is a 100% yes, and I'm happy with the full sizes, but the *staying power* of the products hasn't really been proven yet. However, all of the lip stuff feels AMAZING. Lipstick and gloss that doesn't dry out my lips after 10 mins? OMG!

So at least I'm increasing my glamour pool, although my health levels still elude me ;-)

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: Queen of the Cat People, class with a cult following. (Default)
That was pretty much my weekend. With a dash of socializing, which was nice.

I had a few chores slated for the weekend, but at some point (Saturday?) I suddenly decided my longer to-do list of things just needed to get done already. Like a debt snowball in my brain, tasks that seemed complicated or carried emotional baggage/anxiety were taking up a lot of space and energy in mah brain, and I would not be free until they went away. So my accomplishments list is a bit crazier this week.

Accomplishments! )

Even with the stuff I didn't complete, I've done a LOT of unf#$%ing of my space since MDW. And now there's room on top of the fridge for more kitchen gizmos. Yay/ohnoes!


For all the work I did this weekend, and OMG my back hurt by Sunday night, and I still had to finish the dishes and laundry, I do not feel like a wreck today. Health, post unF***ing )

That was nice tho, having ppl come over to visit me. Tho one kept getting bothered by my balcony curtain. I am still not sure about the hermit thing, but at least my home is more comfy for visitors.

Speaking of hermitting, this week's tarot forecast is ... dramatic on the subject:

TAROT! )

This weeks plans ... don't really have anything specific yet. May work on some of the bits of housework I didn't get to over the weekend. Or just relax and do the Sedonia work I didn't get around to over the weekend. Hopefully the move to clean came out of my emotional unpacking, and wasn't a resistance-ploy to keep me from working on it further, which I had planned to do last weekend. Not sure how comfy it will be to hang out in WSP given all the rain that might happen. Also not sure what's going on for Dad's Day this year. Hopefully no energy crashes.

Oh, and I have to get plane tix and roommates for DragonCon. But thanx to my year-round tithes to the dragon (via online savings account) it should be financially OK this year. But I need to write down my ppl-interactions on it, b/c otherwise Ima forget who's interested, again :-/ Darnit brainfog!
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
I accomplished things on a weeknight! OMG!

Jewelry happened! Like for real! )

Was dragging my feet and brain all week, then felt noticeably better starting Thursday afternoon (despite accidentally packing twice as much chocolate in my lunch bag, whups). Wednesday nite was anti-anxiety acupuncture, but also a thunderstorm which would have washed all the confused summer pollen out of the air before cooling down the city again. And I had been having a lot of behind-the-eyes headaches (allergies? sinuses?) this week. So not sure if one or both helped.

My dreams have become gradually less vivid and stressful, but I had at least one dream this week about being at some con and running around. That, plus last week's larp dream, and Sunday nite's super boring improv dream, is giving me some indication of where even my unconscious would rather be.

Also this week- mailed my taxes, finally communicated with the con that I can't attend in late April due to health reasons (and they were really nice about it, so I'm even sadder about not going), and started unraveling more new problems with new/old FMLA claims at work (UGH WHY UGH).

FMLame )

Due to the need for beads I had planned to put off replacing my boots until May, but forgot about that whole "April showers" thing. And there's a hole in the right sole. Oops. Boots. )

There are things on the to-do list for this weekend like normal, but I'm wondering if I'd be better off doing more jewelry work instead of cleaning the balcony. Still gonna clean the bathroom and kitchen tho, esp the kitchen, since its spring pest season. I'm weighing "Things that make me $$" vs. "Having more places to sit around the house." I could make more shiny things and/or photograph them, and that might be a better investment of time in the long run. Also... how much will I really utilize the outdoor space given the increasing pollen? At least I already have plans for creepy-neighbor shielding.

I will also try cooking leg-of-lamb again (CC supplies permitting). But this time, no weird doubled/tripled recipes or fancy sauces, just roasting in the oven. And I won't be experimenting with my nighttime meds during the day at the same time for this'un :-P.


Was contemplating exercise again, and how annoying it is to schedule into my day when I have so much trouble getting up in time for work. But on more thought, mornings are really only horrible Tuesday thru Thursday. Friday and Monday have later starts, and then there's the weekend. So maybe I can establish exercising Friday thru Monday, four out of seven days a week, and that could help some things. Yay reframing.

Overall, hermitting experiment seems to be starting to work. I had the energy/focus to make shiny things in my own home this week, and that's more than previous weeks. I can't learn to thrive until I re-learn how to survive.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (galadriel lembas mix)
Hermit-ing is going OK so far. Been very prone to headaches this week, since Sunday night was nightmare-y, but they've lightened up as I've gotten 8-8.5 hours of sleep each night. Wednesday evening I stopped by my acupuncturist's personal practice to pick up more of the herbal pills that worked before, but last time it took a full day's dosage (you take 8 tiny pills 3 times a day) to become effective. Been too brain fogged to remember to meditate, which is typically annoying for this situation.

Been more drowsy in the evenings lately, but I'm not sure if that's my body's way of fixing its circadian rhythms, or the power of suggestion + fixation. I'm thinking about sleeping for lots of my day, so of course I feel sleepy all the time. But my brain has been going "Hello! I'm awake now! Revv revv revv!" right before bedtime again.


Also been getting more brain-blurts of dialog snippets for my scripts lately. Tho many at bedtime, which is part of why I'm not getting 9 hours every night. If taxes don't melt my brain this weekend, maybe I'll also remember to do some writing. Most of my work on this project has been in note form, in a notebook months ago, but more recently as lots of emails sent back to myself. Maybe instead of 'writing', editing those notes together would also be a good idea.

This week in non therapies and experiments )


I seem to have caught the spring cleaning bug again, b/c I have a whole list of kitchen + closet clearing/storing projects tucked into my dayplanner all of a sudden. Doing a closet 'audit' would probably be a good idea, a general reminder that I can stop wearing pants everyday once it gets warm enough for skirts and dresses again. And its getting kinda crowded in there, so will probably take some of my treasured costumes and put them into 'cold' storage, since I won't be going to any events where I can wear them for a while. I don't have the space or energy to host a clothes swap, and the last one I attended was unpleasant.

Typing of events, I'm trying to keep track of what cons *other* ppl are going to, and there seem to have been a lot of them since February. May start a general con-savings account for that, aside from the DCon one. Also might do Arisia next year instead of Wicked Faire (NOT as a vendor tho, eek, lugging giant suitcase to Boston = NO). Although I will probably do a price comparison between that and Anachrochon, b/c who wouldn't want to be several states further south during the middle of winter? And its the same neighborhood as DCon, so already familiar with the terrain. I hope ICON isn't gone forever, but I don't want to go back until they've beta tested whatever their new venue is. And I can't stand NYCC. Ironically it is *in* my home city, but more of a strain on me than DCon (where I can go upstairs and take a nap whenever I want).



I really, REALLY want all the coughing ppl at work to stop coughing. Its not even the germ fear talking anymore, the sound just gets on my nerves like nothing else. But the worst flu season in years seems to be overlapping with the normal allergy season, so no relief for mah nerves. Tho ppl on the subway seem to be coughing on me a bit less, so the trains are making me less cranky.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (bb accounts)
This will be the first full hardcore week of hermitting, since last week there was that book event I wanted to attend. And y'know, sit on the couch and space out for most of it. I'm curious to see what happens to me this week assuming nothing smacks me from out of left field. No more social guilt, yaaaay! And I think my mid-May b'day will be a good future date to take stock of the experiment. If its not working by then, may have to change tactics again.

Because of (some) taxes, I didn't get to bed until about 1am, but that still left me a window for 8 hours of sleep. At 5am I woke up from a bad dream with large bugs in it, and it was very difficult to get back to sleep. So I'm fragged today. If I don't switch on the computer *at all* when I get home tonight, I may make a normal bedtime tho.

I had to convince myself that I would devote my week to extra tidying up and anti-pest measures this week to get myself to calm down. Once awake in the daylight I was less interested in doing any of those things, but it is that time of year again. I think? Meh. Can I just decide not to be phobic anymore? Is that a thing?

In therapy today, I reflected on how until recently I hadn't seen any of my late night 'hypervigilance' problems as anxiety. And hadn't really noticed how uncomfortable it was until a few weeks ago. One more check in the 'no duh' category. Now its the main reason I want to fix my sleep, I'm tired of jumping every time I see my own foot out of the corner of my eye :-P

Don't have an acupuncture appointment this week, but if I call ahead on Wednesday I may be able to stop by her practice and pick up more of those sleep-brain-calming herbal pills. And I did sleep better Thurs-Sat nights after anti-stress acupuncture, but I can't afford it every week. I didn't even need my marathon sleeps, although now that I've had a bad night to start off Monday I kinda wish I'd had that extra cushion.

Speaking of cushions, by the beginning of next week I should have a nice cushion of time-off days, so I can stop being so paranoid about getting another week long sinus infection. Yay?

Accomplishments )

Jewelries )

Weekly Tarot Forecast )

Sho lets see what happens.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (b5 one of those days)
My attempt at unf#$%ing my life is already running into some road blocks, but I think I just need to stick to my guns. Sho only *one* literary event this week (of two), and it'll be the one tomorrow. Right now I just want scrambled eggs with hot sauce, followed by naps.

Monday nights are just so tricky to deal with. I don't get out of work until 9:30pm, the trains are slower (or almost shut down like for last week's weird late nite construction), and any icky weather that happened after normal closing-time hasn't been cleaned up (also like last week). By the time I get home its usually 10:30-11pm or later, and I need to eat something b/c I can't sleep hungry. But if I eat something that's too complex, too close to bed time, I wake up with a stomach ache. And b/c I'm strung out and tired, its easy to get distracted from bed-time. If I manage to get into bed by midnight, I can get a bit less than 8 hours, but that's usually not the case. I got 10 hours Sunday night, but I'm not sure if this will help noticeably in week 1.

Tuesday nights are also a bit cramped time-wise, b/c I get out of work from the slightly-later shift of 6pm, and then have to be up for the earliest shift the next morning. And if I didn't get enough sleep on Monday, all bets are off. And losing track of one's resolutions early in the work week can spell "Whups" later on. Luckily I've written them all on the internet this time?


I've also had a weird muscle spasm in the base of my thumb for two days. No idea why. What new bs will I have to deal with now, body? And I've been super forgetful so far, but that could be normal now. At least I have acupuncture this week. And I cancelled my appointment with the sleep doc, so that's a nice subtraction from my drama totals this week. Tho now I need a new sleep doc.


As for recent accomplishments ... meh. A weekend. )

Financial Karma? )


Y'know, the cold weather doesn't bother me so much as ALL THE COUGHING I have to hear every day at work. So I don't so much want Spring to start as I want flu-season to end. And now *I'm* coughing, so I'm concerned one of these little jerks has made me sick for a third time in three months :-/

While cooking on Saturday, I also finally put all of my boxes of tea into a larger, clear container so I stop putting them in stacks that fall over. And I have a lot of tea. Might have to start having tea parties just to get rid of some of it.


And there's tarot for this week:Big pretty tarot cards )

I'm a bit fuzzy headed right now, but taking this reading as a good sign for my planned hermitty time. Tho the Hermit himself didn't actually show up. *shrugs* I gotta figure some stuff out. And if I get bored, make some more shiny things. And take pictures of them.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
The latest life-yuck has inspired me to be more focused in dealing with my fatigue problem, but at least now that it might be a sleep problem its easier to work on that one thing. If doctors don't actually know what is causing this brain wave abnormality, or what could make it stop, I have no reason *not* to experiment on myself with fewer side effects :-P

So this is me, trying to maximize my spoon savings, between doing things ahead of time on less active days (weekends), thus giving myself permission to not do *anything* at the end of active days (weekdays). And some hacks good for everyday. All ultimately geared towards making myself not too distracted or wound up to sleep at night, while keeping up with my daily survival.

Hack & Slash )

It also makes me sad to think that for me, more balance = less seeing of friends and fewer group activities. But maybe that's just the sacrifice I have to make for now, and if I manage to jumpstart my spoon supplies, and then my personal projects, my social life will be more sustainable. And at least I can still talk to friends via FB... when I remember to reply to their messages. *sigh*

Actually, its not like I see that many people very often anymore, its just that now I've decided to stop feeling guilty about it. Srsly friends, there are things about my daily life problems I haven't explained in public b/c I didn't realize how serious they might be. And when I did, I didn't want to freak ppl out. But even if they turn out to not be that serious, I'd still like them to stop, and I may have to miss some shows and/or parties to ensure that happens.

I will happily 'like' all the FB photos of your adventures, but I can't have any more adventures of my own until I fix this.


And I will probably be taking stock of if/how this is working out around my b'day, mid May. So 6ish weeks from now, seems good. If things aren't working *at all* by then, will have to re-hack.

<3 Chrysilla

Today's Health Rating:

1-Horrible
2-Thud
3-Meh
4-OK
5-Yay?
6-Yay!
7-Old normal, YAY!

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16 171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 20th, 2017 12:42 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios