Balance is confusing.
May. 10th, 2013 02:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrysillaNot really sure what went wrong this week. I am crawling-on-the-floor-pls-take-me-home-DED today, although Tuesday was the worst in terms of almost actually falling asleep at work. Very little jewelry work got done, was too spaced out to focus on any photo work or Etsy uploads, despite last week's successes.
Theories are still that either I ate something I shouldn't have on Sunday night (despite careful considerations), or that after a few good nights of sleep my adrenals realized they didn't have to work so hard, and now I'm going thru adrenaline withdrawal. Which would actually be a good sign, but it still f'ing annoying. Or I burnt myself out doing some-of-the-things last week, which doesn't seem right.
Last night I was going to run a bunch of errands, but bailed after the most important first one, and then went home to collapse. Ate easy food, watched Secret of Moonacre (on Netflix instant- thin plot, but ADORABLE, with adorable costumes), and thought long and hard about my life/health while spacing out in the bathtub b/c I was too tired to meditate. B/c there's nothing like watching a sparkly children's movie to make one feel entirely stuck and banal.
Typed a bunch of stuff out, hoping patterns would emerge more clearly than before. I'd already noticed that I felt better in January 2012 (maybe at 70-80% of old-me levels, 6 on the current scale), possibly due to the elimination diet I had done before, but my brain hadn't woken up until after I reintroduced refined carbs. Also, being sick during winter break had forced me to rest, but on the other hand I could recuperate without worrying about FMLA claims and sick days, so less stressed out. And mysteriously without the aid of acupuncture, which does help me now, but iz expensive.
However, this time I noticed that the first mouse incursion happened in February, which I think is where I really started declining again. I wonder where I would be now if mice hadn't happened? And then I started feeling better after summer diet changes, despite mice, and it all kinda spiralled again after SemiHurricane Sandy happened. I was anxious, and the whole city came down with clinical depression.
So... anxiety. Also, diet. The big patterns.
Tho I seem to need refined carbs, so will try rice again. And really need to start a food journal again, and stop forgetting to make a GI appointment, dammit. This weekend I'm going to try and pinpoint specific things that are driving me nuts, even weird small things, and make a list to take care of the ones I can work on. (Entries so far- boot/purchase anxiety, messy kitchen, ugly bathroom etc). Not all at once, but it may help to pinpoint a thing as "This is something actively bothering me. Therefore move it further up on the to-do list."
On the other hand, is dealing with my diet causing me more anxiety? Is having sleep problems to worry about causing more anxiety, which may be causing the sleep probs? Le argh. Need more self-help-psych books.
I'd wanted to work on this in part b/c I felt very rock-bottom this week (despite last week averaging at 3, and the week before 4, this one was more 1.5 :-P), but also b/c it was a new moon eclipse thing. One astrologer reflected that the signs had lined up to say its time to make some sacrifices. I didn't really find anything left in my life to sacrifice that I actually wanted to keep, since I want the anxiety and overall not-wellness to GO AWAY. Ugh astrology, even you don't understand how to talk to mysteriously sick ppl.
Also realized I knew a tarot spread that could at least help show me where I'm standing on my path-to-wellness. You take out the Fool card to start, then shuffle the deck. Draw 13 more cards without looking at them, however you like, and then shuffle that short stack of cards with the Fool. Lay them all out face up, and wherever the Fool is, that's where you are.
And here 'tis:
It took me a while to work out the cards behind me. But eventually I came to the conclusion that the Five of Swords was probably the anxiety increase in 2/2012, so before that I was feeling better and more creative, after that it was going to better doctors and ancient medical practices for relief, plus retreating again by the winter of 2011. And then the Wheel and Eight of Pentacles indicate one is trying to unwind the patterns and threads, trying to figure out what is happening and trace a problem back to its source, so that's my more hermitty phase. After me it looks more or less the same as my Beltane readings. Gotta figure out this temperance/balance thing before I can get back to being awesome.
Its a bit comforting that I'm more than halfway through, though time is kinda ... vague when it comes to things like this. Meh.
I did have vivid dreams, but they were all about rpgs and multiple larps, vampire and changeling. And I've already cut out the RPGs. Also, discovering that some food companies only put ingredients on the labels in countries that make it a law, which sucks for ppl in other countries. Don't remember any other dream bits. Oh wait, with the food thing I was traveling on a train next to a river, across the river was a city. I ended up in a Micheals-like store. Also, my Changeling tabletop players were wandering away from plot, so I used someone's 'lost horizon' flaw (don't actually remember exactly what that is now), and they went down a random trod and ended up coming out of the big shiny mirror-bean in Chicago. From NYC. Lol.
I really just don't understand balance. I gorge, I horde, if something good is happening then I keep it going with it until I (or it) burn out. Planning ahead and saying no don't always work out. I have successfully given up caffeine, alcohol, and some unhealthy social groups over the course of my life. But its different when its a thing I don't like to begin with, or that actively hurts me. (Tho maybe I'm still badass for giving up the things that everybody else is still doing, b/c everybody else seems to be doing it?) Now everything is confusing b/c I'm too tired to do the things I actually want to do that are good for me. Which is oddly enough forcing me to not gorge or horde anymore. Its weird. But if I stopped being tired, would I just go back to gorging myself on life again?
How does balance work? Ppl with obsessive habits want to know. Would it make more sense if I wasn't brainfogged?
In other news, am looking forward to next week's long weekend, and also to the start of the summer semester, when most of the constantly coughing patrons will hopefully not be here to get on my nerves for three months. B/c ARGH. Cough drops, dumbasses, they work.
<3 Chrysilla
Theories are still that either I ate something I shouldn't have on Sunday night (despite careful considerations), or that after a few good nights of sleep my adrenals realized they didn't have to work so hard, and now I'm going thru adrenaline withdrawal. Which would actually be a good sign, but it still f'ing annoying. Or I burnt myself out doing some-of-the-things last week, which doesn't seem right.
Last night I was going to run a bunch of errands, but bailed after the most important first one, and then went home to collapse. Ate easy food, watched Secret of Moonacre (on Netflix instant- thin plot, but ADORABLE, with adorable costumes), and thought long and hard about my life/health while spacing out in the bathtub b/c I was too tired to meditate. B/c there's nothing like watching a sparkly children's movie to make one feel entirely stuck and banal.
Typed a bunch of stuff out, hoping patterns would emerge more clearly than before. I'd already noticed that I felt better in January 2012 (maybe at 70-80% of old-me levels, 6 on the current scale), possibly due to the elimination diet I had done before, but my brain hadn't woken up until after I reintroduced refined carbs. Also, being sick during winter break had forced me to rest, but on the other hand I could recuperate without worrying about FMLA claims and sick days, so less stressed out. And mysteriously without the aid of acupuncture, which does help me now, but iz expensive.
However, this time I noticed that the first mouse incursion happened in February, which I think is where I really started declining again. I wonder where I would be now if mice hadn't happened? And then I started feeling better after summer diet changes, despite mice, and it all kinda spiralled again after SemiHurricane Sandy happened. I was anxious, and the whole city came down with clinical depression.
So... anxiety. Also, diet. The big patterns.
Tho I seem to need refined carbs, so will try rice again. And really need to start a food journal again, and stop forgetting to make a GI appointment, dammit. This weekend I'm going to try and pinpoint specific things that are driving me nuts, even weird small things, and make a list to take care of the ones I can work on. (Entries so far- boot/purchase anxiety, messy kitchen, ugly bathroom etc). Not all at once, but it may help to pinpoint a thing as "This is something actively bothering me. Therefore move it further up on the to-do list."
On the other hand, is dealing with my diet causing me more anxiety? Is having sleep problems to worry about causing more anxiety, which may be causing the sleep probs? Le argh. Need more self-help-psych books.
I'd wanted to work on this in part b/c I felt very rock-bottom this week (despite last week averaging at 3, and the week before 4, this one was more 1.5 :-P), but also b/c it was a new moon eclipse thing. One astrologer reflected that the signs had lined up to say its time to make some sacrifices. I didn't really find anything left in my life to sacrifice that I actually wanted to keep, since I want the anxiety and overall not-wellness to GO AWAY. Ugh astrology, even you don't understand how to talk to mysteriously sick ppl.
Also realized I knew a tarot spread that could at least help show me where I'm standing on my path-to-wellness. You take out the Fool card to start, then shuffle the deck. Draw 13 more cards without looking at them, however you like, and then shuffle that short stack of cards with the Fool. Lay them all out face up, and wherever the Fool is, that's where you are.
And here 'tis:
It took me a while to work out the cards behind me. But eventually I came to the conclusion that the Five of Swords was probably the anxiety increase in 2/2012, so before that I was feeling better and more creative, after that it was going to better doctors and ancient medical practices for relief, plus retreating again by the winter of 2011. And then the Wheel and Eight of Pentacles indicate one is trying to unwind the patterns and threads, trying to figure out what is happening and trace a problem back to its source, so that's my more hermitty phase. After me it looks more or less the same as my Beltane readings. Gotta figure out this temperance/balance thing before I can get back to being awesome.
Its a bit comforting that I'm more than halfway through, though time is kinda ... vague when it comes to things like this. Meh.
I did have vivid dreams, but they were all about rpgs and multiple larps, vampire and changeling. And I've already cut out the RPGs. Also, discovering that some food companies only put ingredients on the labels in countries that make it a law, which sucks for ppl in other countries. Don't remember any other dream bits. Oh wait, with the food thing I was traveling on a train next to a river, across the river was a city. I ended up in a Micheals-like store. Also, my Changeling tabletop players were wandering away from plot, so I used someone's 'lost horizon' flaw (don't actually remember exactly what that is now), and they went down a random trod and ended up coming out of the big shiny mirror-bean in Chicago. From NYC. Lol.
I really just don't understand balance. I gorge, I horde, if something good is happening then I keep it going with it until I (or it) burn out. Planning ahead and saying no don't always work out. I have successfully given up caffeine, alcohol, and some unhealthy social groups over the course of my life. But its different when its a thing I don't like to begin with, or that actively hurts me. (Tho maybe I'm still badass for giving up the things that everybody else is still doing, b/c everybody else seems to be doing it?) Now everything is confusing b/c I'm too tired to do the things I actually want to do that are good for me. Which is oddly enough forcing me to not gorge or horde anymore. Its weird. But if I stopped being tired, would I just go back to gorging myself on life again?
How does balance work? Ppl with obsessive habits want to know. Would it make more sense if I wasn't brainfogged?
In other news, am looking forward to next week's long weekend, and also to the start of the summer semester, when most of the constantly coughing patrons will hopefully not be here to get on my nerves for three months. B/c ARGH. Cough drops, dumbasses, they work.
<3 Chrysilla