chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
Reading some newage-y stuff tonite, started thinking about the place/pattern of self-reinvention in my life thus far. And about how I tend to define myself by the projects I work on. Whether it was the jewelry business, or improv, or college for that matter. "I am teh Chrysilla, I do _____ things."

And about how I might commit and buckle down better to the new project I want to work on if I started making it the central part of my identity. So by becoming a writer/podcaster through and through, I'd actually get it together & completed.

On the other hand, I've been clutching on to my 'jewelry artisan' identity for a while now, and not really making any headway with it. Starting to wonder if that's less a CFS thing and more "I'm tired of this skin, next life phase pls." I do like it, when I remember to work on it, but like improv its just somehow not sustaining my interest or passion anymore.

May also have to resolutely put it on the back-burner for the time being to work on the new thing. Lock it all up, out of sight, so I can focus on new stuff. And lock away the guilt too. I could pick it up again later (sans guilt, of course), or maybe learn that it just doesn't suit my life anymore? Or maybe it didn't suit me to begin with (despite my knack for it) and its just taken me this long to figure that out? In which case, I don't regret the time I've spent, b/c I've learned other things from being a shinies-peddler than the craft itself.

Compared with the sewing, there are also a lot more steps involved that are not directly about making the shiny things themselves. Cataloging, pricing, photographing, etc. I wonder if the sewing is still attractive to me because it is just for me. I make the thing, its finished, the end. And its easier to work on in one hour sets, and easier to space out over months so I don't burn myself out, instead of making ALL THE THINGS as quickly as possible. Tho I've gone "ALL THE THINGS" mode on both jewelry and sewing in the past, somehow jewelry didn't convert after the epiphany of time management, yet?

But then again, the writing/podcasting project will include a lot of different steps to build up the stuff, which will then be intangible electronic data. Not sure if that will make the project more or less difficult for me. I have a friend who found that data-based work didn't work for him, tho he was good at it, b/c there was no tangible product at the end of his work day. However, the thought of having less tangible *stuff* is obviously attractive.

I dunno. I still feel this drive to at least try out the new artform (which is actually a reconnection with my old artforms of script writing & storytelling). Between the two, I'd rather give up jewelry (at least for now) and try the new thing. But that doesn't guarantee I'll even finish b/c fatigue. And if I do finish, no guarantee of "success" (however I define it) either.

And the podcasting may bring out some of my own traits that old friends haven't seen in a while, and new friends haven't seen yet. I will inevitably surprise some ppl, not sure if the results will be worth it, considering the path-of-less-resistance is a bit easier on the fatigued. At least on this project I can be selective on who I invite, audio-drama benefits from a smaller cast, unlike my experiences with larping or improv. I don't have to deal with tons of OOC drama to keep enough warm bodies in the room to play :-P

I guess this week's tarot kinda feeds into that. Sowing new seeds at the start of a long, new, exciting but probably slow-moving process. Strength is rather self-explanatory, tho Shadowscapes also notes the strength of flexibility. And then there's leaving behind an old situation that isn't working, to gain rest & perspective, and free oneself of dead weight.
Tarot Pic! Plus astro-bits. )

Maybe I just need a change to wake me up. The big change I'd really like to make is really not feasible given illness & finances. Tho in that case, could a lesser change (assuming success) lead to a bigger one?

These kinds of thoughts are usually more Samhain than Mabon, but I guess it doesn't hurt to get started early. May do some ritual-izing (everyone's in Scorpio, lol) to help me focus. "This is The Box of Things That Can Wait." :-)

<3 Chrysilla

ps, No I'm NOT giving away free jewelry supplies, will verbally dope-slap anyone who asks. Whenever I bring something like this up and that's the immediate response, the perpetrators sound like a bunch of vultures. If I were going to cash out, I'd actually *cash out* and resell everything on Etsy. Its not just hobby-fodder, its business materials bought and paid for as a long term investment.

And I'll leave the Etsy shop open, even if production is on the backburner, tho I might lapse on tweeting and blogging if that energy would be better applied elsewhere. Its not like dropping that ball will make a huge difference now :-P
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Lots of thinks and feels today. So, journal time.

Like I've said before, the fact that I'm sho much extra frustrated about my life right now is hopefully a sign that the brainfog is starting to lift. But ... I'm still frustrated. Life is less than pleasant, and feeling frustrated is unpleasant.

So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just chill out and hope the brainfog is unraveling on its own, assuming this isn't just another outlier, or force my way through it with a jackhammer.

Obvious problem with making a plan of action- if the brainfog comes back, I forget all the plans and end up a zombie again.

Is it the trying/striving that's keeping me fatigued? Or will enough justified anger give me a lift out of this perpetual annoyingness?

Life before *constant* brainfog )

I tried setting up goals & deadlines for jewelry and writing in the last couple of years, every attempt failed miserably. At least, so far. On the other hand, I finished costuming stuff early for DCon. Is this a good sign that I should try that technique again?

Also thinking back to the spring/summer of 2011 when this problem became obvious. And why then?

External and internal system betrayals )

And then there's the idea that I am better physically, but now all that's left is a big mental block that metaphorically resembles a mucus plug in my brain. And the mind makes things real enough.

I have not yet figured out how to hack my brain subconsciously, sadly. And that's assuming that I'm *not* suffering physically. I am not the biggest fan of medical science these days.

Its very difficult for me to not over-think things. Brevity happens when I edit something down.

Possibly the best plan I can think of is that now I can remember that I have a dayplanner (or at least I could this week) maybe I should just stick to very short-term goals and ignore thinking about all of these problems. Or 'letting go' of them, and of the *wanting* to fix them, in the Sedona way. One hour of sewing. One hour of jewelry. Photograph/catalog/upload 5 things for the Etsy shop. One evening out with friend(s) per week. Edit one episode of project. Ten minutes of yoga while watching teh Youtube.

As I learned with saving $$ for DCon, things add up eventually, and then you go o_O I did all that?? And reintroducing myself to what I luv in a low-pressure way may get me back into my old groove. No deadlines. Don't look at the big picture, ONLY look at the thumbnail. And enjoy the thumbnail.

On the other hand... what happens on days when I can't even remember that there is a thumbnail? :-/

<3 Chrysilla

ps, Also still trying not to drive myself crazy before DCon, with mixed results. Which is why the 'just give up' aspects are so appealing.

pps, Oh duh, see also this week's tarot forecast :-P
Tarot on Tumblr
chrysilla: (bb accounts)
Just thinking about how my various 'issues' are accidentally working together for my betterment in odd ways.

Problems with dairy, gluten and other foods => Waaay less eating out at restaurants than I used to.
-5 Social Life
+5 Budgeting

Realizing the Paleo diet was hurting me in some ways => Can have rice and corn chips again, which are (sadly?) both cheaper than meat and veggies.
+5 Spoons (Health/Energy)
+10 Budgeting

Too tired to cook ALL THE THINGS from scratch => Buy easier to cook Chrys-friendly noms, less expensive overall.
+5 Spoons
+5 Budgeting

More stats! )

So one gigantic theme: what's awful for my social life seems to be awesome for my budget. "Keeping up with the Joneses" really is awful, even outside of the suburbs. When I'm feeling better in the autumn, need to devise less expensive (and less glutinous) methods of hanging out with friends.

And its still ironic that trying the Paleo diet decreased my restaurant spending to almost nothing, but made my grocery bills skyrocket out of proportion to the restaurant spending.
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
So, week and a half or so without posting, whups! On the other hand, the headaches have taken a pretty bad turn this late-June-early-July time of year. So I've also had to bail on socializing plans for the last couple of weeks, contrary to my long-term goals, so kinda sad. On the other hand, I learned the hard way many years ago that going out when you don't feel well can lead to high levels of more ick.

It helps to keep things in perspective. In general, this time last year I was a complete wreck. Severely chronic-fatigued, no real plan of action to deal with it, and no medical support structure to help me. Physically and emotionally depleted, probably the lowest point of the last two years of this body-fail. Specifically, I think it was early July when I had the migraine that was so severe I needed an MRI to make sure I wasn't having a stroke. (It wasn't, and now I have fun free pics of my brain, yay.)

By comparison, things aren't so bad this summer. Even with the headaches (no crazy migraine auras yet), even with having to bail on friends parties and events, even with renewed sleep deprivation & my energy levels plummeting again yesterday and today. My road to less-fail started this time last year, so didn't really become obvious until late August, so I didn't really learn how to deal with the Dog Days of Summer in NYC. Guess I'll learn now, *shrugs*.

This time I have doctors who actually help me, an acupuncturist who is nice and insightful (tho we're taking a break for this month due to financial reasons, and she's even OK with that), and have identified and eliminated dietary and lifestyle habits that were making me worse. Tho the only properly diagnosed problem I have is a barely researched hard-to-treat sleep disorder, it helps to know I have it, and my non-drug guesswork to try fixing it has been helpful.

So I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing, brought on by the heat, and also hoping that I can acclimate to the heat rather than just hide in my home all summer.

I also hope that I'm actually 'leveling' into a more interesting stage of life, b/c the alternative looks very not fun.

As for the last couple weeks of goings on...

Weekend of fabric! )

The 2.5 Day Work Week )

Doctor Visit (no, not that one) )

Patriotically Sick )

Dizzy Cooking for a Four Day Weekend )

Conked out early Sunday nite and got 9 hours of sleep for today. But this morning I had another bout of being a listless lump, almost unable to get my butt out of the house to start the day. That seemed to pass by the time I got to work, but the brain fog is still really bad. Behind the brain fog, my energy levels seem to be fluctuating, but not too low.

I think today's ick is from continued sleep dep, and thus indirectly caused by the heat wave. No matter how many aspects of my life that I hack, or how many precautions I take, you just can't control the weather. Oh well. But up until yesterday and today, my energy levels had been pretty good, so maybe I'll start feeling better now that this week's heat index is around 90F instead of 100F. And I hope I'm acclimated by DCon.

There's a Harry Potter meet up group gathering on Thursday, so I'd like to attend that, but hopefully body fail won't get in the way. I won't force myself to go if it does, tho its nicely close to one of my train lines. Its at a bar with food, but not me-friendly food, so will pack an extra lunch box for that day if I think I'm up for it. Saturday is Browncoats, but I like having my Saturdays free to sleep and/or space out. But its an option.

This morning I remembered to pack one new project into my bead kit and take it to work with me, so that's good. I think with my recent heat issues, and recent weird weather, I'm just going to stay inside on my lunch breaks with craft stuff. I didn't get around to putting some other projects together, but hopefully I can when the brain fog lifts. I haven't had much yen for jewelry work lately, despite the energy increase, but I hope it hits soon. I need shiny things for my DCon & wedding costumes, and my Etsy shop. I think I have enough seed beads & crystals to do more of those types of pieces until August, when I may have to order some more, in that nice specific "I have a list!" way that works quite well for me.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: Queen of the Cat People, class with a cult following. (queen's shiny)
Its been a mixed couple of weeks, to say the least.

Good and Bad Things )

This week is about buckling down to do the thing you've resolved to do. But really, all that I've resolved to do is be healthy again. So this week I'm going to keep taking it easy, not stress out about my upcoming vendor engagement. Get to bed on time again. However, that should be getting priority over script writing right now, but the potential podcast is the shiny new project, so ... argh. And I have trouble focusing on it while I'm on break at work.

Other things that need doing = cataloging and photographing teh latest craftwork, even if its just for my records rather than teh Etsy shop. I'm not doing any Etsy updates before Wicked, would be silly if I just sell the piece at the con anyway.

In long-term plans I'm also looking into setting up my own website for sales. Along side the Etsy shop until they shut down all the actual artisans, b/c Etsy seems to be on a downward spiral of lame now. And yet scammers can still sell designer knock off bags so long as they label them "vintage"? WTH?

But yay, its Imbolc this week. Ima light some candles and do some craft work, now that the house is already clean. Goddesses LUV craft work! And protecting their novitiates from giant bugs I hopes.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Still not coming back to the 'my body feels like a lead weight' feelings of last year, but the brain fog may be returning. However, I also haven't been sleeping on time for the last couple of nights, so it may not be as bad as I think. Some'un gimme a lantern?

Don't eat the polymer clay directly out of the toaster oven. Or the dice. )

Since I stopped feeling tired *all* the time, my skin's started breaking out like it normally does. It was suprisingly clear while I was on the mono-rail. I've heard that acne can get worse while suffering from mono. Even my autonomic body systems have to do things their own way.

Am drawing a bit of a blank on this week's writing prompts from the blogs I follow.

BatFit's latest challange is replace a bad habit with a good one. Still too tired for exercise, and for some reason this week I'm having all the food cravings I skipped for the weeks spend on the elimination diet, so I'm really just fighting to maintain my good habits. It was easier to be on the diet all the time than have it go weekdays-on, weekends-off. Still too tired for exercising, maybe due to frosty sleep dep.

Tho on the upside, I was able to satisfy today's chocolate craving with half of my pre-L1D dose. And according to another friend's no-sugar focused diet plan, 3g of sugar at a meal is OK, and I had about 6.

Maybe I'll try a non-fitness goal? Replace buying shiny things with making them? Lol.

NYNY/CharmedI'mSure is to return to a place of 'sacred' relevance to me. Um... dunno. The Met? The Cloisters? The Ruben (free Friday nite)? Chinatown for the NY fest? When? By myself? The Enchantments of my youth is gone (replaced by a mediocre copy), as is the Washington Square I used to love a bit more. I'm going to try to attend KGB Fantastic Fiction tonight, which is certainly a special place to me that I haven't been to in a cat's age. Not sure that the 'jewelry-district' counts in this context ;-). I'll think of something.

I also haven't felt much up to writing this week so far. Moar sleep dep? Should I skip KGB for writing and shiny-making tonight? I am feeling a bit writer-ish right now, but I can't focus due to grogginess. I don't know either of tonight's authors personally, and I'm not sure how my tummy will do at dinner afterwards.

Or I could just chill out and take it easy tonight, b/c I'm still coming off six months of mono and I'm freezing to death at work.

<3 Chrysilla

Tummy Wars

Jan. 12th, 2012 11:14 am
chrysilla: (will thelemic)
Been having stomach problems of varying degrees for over a week now, not really sure what to do. No, actually, I have some ideas. I just wish it wasn't all so trial-and-error.

Possibly TMI, history of stomach probs )

So... duh, I'ma start eating starchier things again and stop making my system work so hard on these insoluble fibers all the time. Bye bye elimination diet, for the most part.

Coming back in are potatoes, *maybe* corn. Will try to stay off wheat and dairy for a bit longer, and definitely still avoiding refined sugars. I don't think I'm sensitive to trace amounts of soy (although I've heard horrible things about soy lately), tho large amounts of soy have messed me up before. Will probably still have grains in the morning (I noticed feeling more energetic when I started having amaranth for breakfast ZOMG), but not also for lunch. And my rice cakes can stay.

I miss making pot roast, but I may just stick to chicken for a bit longer, though without the skin. Nuts ... dunno. Maybe they're just too much fat and fiber for me? I don't think the frozen berries have to go, they are at least a better snack than ice cream.

I am still wondering about reactive hyperglycemia, which sounded like how I felt when I was recovering from mono, but that may actually be hypochondria on my part :-P Potatoes can't be as bad as sugar, right?

Can I just stop eating food? Then I wouldn't have to worry about any of this...

Hoping this doesn't screw me up for the weekend, which I hoped to fill with geekiness. Maybe I'll start Saturday night after Recess/NerdNYC, and then I have two days to work it out with the holiday on Monday.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: HUGS! (HUGS!)
Despite lingering stomach problems that refuse to get lost, I felt better than usual all of last week. Even when I was sick and tired, the feeling of "My body is a big lead, dead weight that needs to be dragged around," did not return.

Friday I left a third message at the doc's office, and she finally got back to me after her listed office hours. My thyroid is mostly normal, except for the T4 level with is at 11.9 instead of 11, but I certainly haven't felt hyper-thyroid-ish lately. So that's something to keep track of for the future. Definitely don't have HIV either, which was the false positive that came back with the previous blood tests, which I found out about the Friday before Xmas weekend. Just ... wtf medicine?

Then my doctor says "Oh, and the tests we did show that you have had mono... sometime in the past, but not right now. We can't pinpoint an exact time. But it shouldn't take someone six months to get over mono." Just like all my T levels should be as normal as my TSH levels? Yeah, sure.

Upon my Book of Faces inquiry, it turns out I have friends that did indeed need 6+ months to totally get over mono and get their groove back. With more similar stories from the interwebs, tho I'm not sure I'd count that as a reliable source. And I can't think of any other time in my life when I felt that way. Even after pneumonia in the summer of 2007, sure I was home resting and taking it easy after going back to work, but I was still getting stuff done at home and not living in a perpetual brain fog. More like this past week where I was beading and writing while sitting at home with stomach aches and sinus problems.

So unless this sudden energy surge f's off and leaves me stranded again, my working theory is that I had mono sometime in the spring or summer, coinciding with one of the massive sinus infections, and it took me until the next year to recover. Did I do something over winter break to finally jump start my system? While having *another* sinus infection at the same time? I dunno.

Am less sure about keeping up with the elimination diet indefinitely, tho. It may have helped me jumpstart, but now I feel much better and my tummy definitely does not. And... I just don't get it. So by *not* eating dairy my tummy is also cranky? WTF? Will give it to the end of January and see if it gets better. I guess.

In the meantime, I'm slowly trying to put my life and social-life back together. Looking forward to trying out Nerd NYC events this weekend and meeting new people (and hoping certain members of my larper lynch mob are not already there). I'm also working on a Steampunk costume ideas and will try one of their meetups at the end of the month. Will try to hit KGB Fantastic Fiction next Wednesday, tho not sure about staying for dinner.

Did go to Necromantic on Saturday, and spent a while working myself into full dance mode, but after an hour of not-all-heavy dancing I got too dizzy to keep going. Got a second glass of water and sat in front for a bit, it didn't go away, so I went home. I think I need to be more careful with exercise for the time being, I haven't been very active at all since summer-ish. Actually, maybe not since early spring-ish before the allergy season started. Whups.

I haven't had another good writing night since that Tuesday before I got sick again, but I'm getting bits and pieces typed out, or transcribed from my notebooks. Will see where it goes.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: (witch)
So... Winter Break kinda sucked. Sick! For the whole thing! WTF? )

I did finally make that health-improving honey pot that I'd been planning, a few days late of the new moon but I'm sure it'll be OK. They're like pet rocks for pagans. Not sure if it helped me overall, but I like it. And I finished the last couple of sewing projects I had lying around and put all the equipment away. January is for jewelry now, I need to prep for Wicked Faire in February.

Reflecting, cuz I didn't have much else to do )So assuming I get healthy again, my new life-back-on-track plans involve getting back to my fen roots. And being a con-slut.

Already doing Wicked and DragonCon, probably also Steampunk World's Faire, maybe ICON. Going back to NYRSF and KGB Fantastic Fiction when I can to hang out with the geeky writers.

Oh, and as for the magic writing prompt... CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!!!! )

In brief, once I somehow got juiced on the new year I went into mega productive mode without wanting to curl up into a ball and die afterwards. Cleared a ton of clothes out of the closet. Cleaned most of the apartment. Smudged with cedar and frankincense. Went shopping to get clothes that actually fit me. Made moar jewelry. Wrote the first draft of a podcast sitcom episode. Got sick again (:P) but what can ya do. All of these were things I was putting off, in some cases for months at a time. Too bad I couldn't keep putting off the stomach aches.

I was well enough to come to work today, at least, tho I don't think I can do Tai Chi tonite. I still have the energy but the tummy is all owwwwch. I can go home and do jewelry or writing instead, or just relax my tummy and watch a fancy movie on teh Netflix.

Today I also found out that most of my vitamins & supplements contain wheat and/or soy, so much for elimination diets. And the probiotics I was taking contain milk. YOU FAIL GNC. Tho I had the energy surge despite not taking the vitamins since the Friday before Xmas, so maybe I'll leave off them for a little while and see what happens.

<3 Chrysilla


Dec. 21st, 2011 10:55 am
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)

As sayeth the Ministrix:
What do you want to accomplish in 2012 using both magical and mundane means?

Today I'm exhausted and limping around my workplace with some pretty terrible gut pain. This has inspired me to ditch all other goals except those directly health-related. I can come back to this prompt and make new goals if things start to work again. And the suggestion is "How much can you accomplish by Valentines Day?" so I think that could work.

Been feeling very frustrated about it all this week. Supposedly a side effect of cutting sugar and processed wheat is weight loss, but I'm actually gaining inches to my waistline with all the internal inflammation :-/

My doctor gave me a referral for a neurologist when I went "... Oh yeah, I HAVE been getting more headaches lately..." so I've been trying to get over my usual habit of ignoring pain (thanks to ten years of braces in childhood) to pay more attention to what kind of headaches these are. Typically they end up behind my eyes and forehead, but they often *start* asymmetrically behind one eye or one spot on the noggin. So, migraines. Great. Meh. I'm also going to a sleep specialist.

My Immune System & Me )

I'd love to do rituals for creative projects and $$ right now, but I need to fix this first. Sick & tired body and spirit make for sick & tired magic.

I want to get to a point where I can get up in the morning without feeling my choices are "Throw up or go to work", and then get to the end of a work day and have the energy to go out and play.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I've made ginger root tea for myself since I started the L1D. I'd better get back on that.

<3 Chrysilla

Making Way

Dec. 14th, 2011 10:07 am
chrysilla: (witch)

Weekly Writing Prompt: Making Way
What? Like it's hard or something?

Getting in gear is kinda tricky when your gears feel all frozen. But until I can figure out why, I can't be absolutely sure what to use for an oil can :-/

Been working on getting my ducks in a row for a few weeks already, so this blog-club (and another called BatFit about goths getting in shape) were happy coincidences. Yay camaraderie.

Cleaning teh Chantry )

Hobby Guilt )

Lifestyle overhaul )

Is it odd that I can stick to an elimination diet, and over a year ago I decided to start flossing and kept up with it, but I can't remember to meditate or yoga-cise every day? Or any day, really.

Another important resolution would be to not feel bad about being too tired to perform any of the above tasks. Those are the nights when I'ma eat a giant bowl of borscht and watch Valmont on teh Netflix.

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
Been calling it a "Level One Diagnostic" instead of a "Diet" b/c its more fun that way. And I have taken several foods offline to systematically study my reactions to later. Unless my food-allergy test on Friday pinpoints things to avoid in a more accurate manner.

I haven't been having very many food cravings, and in my case being too tired to go get whatever it is that I shouldn't eat is working to my advantage. I'm having more trouble finding foods that don't contain wheat and/or soy as fillers. I don't eat much processed food at all now, actually, unless I process it myself. I haven't used my food processor this much in a long time, wow. Its too bad my oven is still broken.

Progress? )

Actually, at therapy yesterday I realized how super guilty I feel about letting parts of my social life fall away. But really, I can't think of anyone I actually like hanging out with that would give me a hard time for feeling too ill to attend their shows/bookparties/regularparties/etc. Still feel guilty about dropping the Etsy ball again, but at least I'm making some progress on new shinies. And last week I mailed a giant order, on time, w00t. The sewing still takes so f'ing loooong. Maybe I should reframe my expectations. In a few months I'll be better, with a fantastic collection of new clothes, and enough jewelry for Wicked and SWF that may or may not make it to the Etsy shop. Or perhaps I should make a firm decision, no new internet bizness until [insert month here].

And then there's sorcery. I'm probably going to work on this:

If I have the energy. But the L1D is the first step anyway, so I'm already on the path right? I've wanted to mix more magick actually *into* my jewelry work, and my personal sewing projects (I will never sew for $$, eeeeek). And I think I may have inspired the line "You'll keep sewing yourself into who you'll want to be..." ;-)

<3 Chrysilla
chrysilla: I rocked out at Mutant Peep Nite (Hedwig Peep)
So lessee, was sick with a sinus infection the week before Thanxgiving, and went to the doctor to find out why I have no energy. Got my results back the week after and apparently my THC levels are normal, and the doctor won't check free T3 if that level is normal, so my (possibly useless) doctor has confirmed that my thyroid is fine. Which may be good news, but still leaves my main question unanswered, and I was extremely upset. So my doctor says "Oh, wait, um, we could do a follow up and I could test you for things like mono and lymes disease..." Because you didn't think you had to test those to begin with? *headdesk* And then I transitioned from sad to really f'ing angry.

I'm also getting sick of my doctors' typical responses "You know, I'm sure its just depression." Sure I'm depressed that I no longer have a social life, but as I've been dealing with mental health issues for half of my lifetime, I can tell this is not a physical manifestation of emotions. In fact, aside from being pissed at my doctor, I haven't had any bad emotional upsets or needed a 'mental health day' in almost two months.

And from that misery I crawled out to Jersey for Thanxgiving, which was pretty nice and relaxing. Now outside of my usual patterns and environment, I started paying attention to when I felt awake or tired. Usually I felt very spaced out unless I had just eaten. At the feast itself, I was barely able to focus on the world around me until dinner, immediately after fooding I went into chatterbox mode, and an hour after the dessert course I was ready to pass out again.

I remembered that one of my aunts is a lactard like me, and celiac (tho I was tested for that at 19 and it came out negative), and I learned that my grandma was hyperglycemic. So once I got back home, I made a big batch of cheese grits and looked online for some kind of "everyday foods make that may you feel terrible" list so I could try and cut some of it out of my diet. And try to do something about the state of my life despite the annoying doctors.

Diets are weird )

Started the elimination diet on Monday (after eating tons of things from the mustn't list due to Thanxgiving leftovers) and mostly I feel about the same. Still run down and tired. Tuesday night my energy levels kept going up and down, and then I got smacked with an eye strain headache, only slightly alleviated by eating. And better on Monday, but after a long holiday weekend full of potatoes, wheat, and sugar.

My digestive system feels ... weird ... but not bad. No big upsets or dramas, even after having very garlicky hummus for breakfast (at work) on Tuesday. That alone may be worth the bother. Tho sometimes I do still feel kinda queasy.

And I can't seem to find any intel on "When do I start to feel different?" I guess I should prepare myself in case it doesn't change anything :-/

On another note, being at my parents house made me realize that sewing is really stressing me out. Just looking at that big laundry basket full of projects-to-be was bothering me, so I put all of the fabric out of sight for now. I may limit my projects to one or two per month so I can get back to beading (and stop buying fabric). Didn't sew all Thanxgiving weekend, but I have made some new shinies, yay! Tho that all slowed down when the food weirdness started.

<3 Chrysilla

Today's Health Rating:

7-Old normal, YAY!

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