chrysilla | Entries tagged with mental health

Having some trouble with journal formatting these days, eep. Oh well. Lets see how this goes.

Boston was fun! The gamer crowd there is always so welcoming. In Requiem I got to Marguerite (b/c that's just how it is), and it was mostly entirely social but that's where she excels. Accord was awful for my wolfie (so many conflicted feels and repressed fidgets) but fun for me, and that seems to be the standard of a good Accord game :-) Was very fun staying over my local friend's (adorable New Englandy gamer geek) house and having gamer girl chat too, yaay, and I feel fine (well, no worse) this week so I am *not* allergic to Boston.

I figure every other month won't mess me up too badly, so I'm aiming to try November's games the weekend before turkey day. But maybe also December, b/c I think it would fall into my winter break, which is apparently two full weeks this year unless HR has a knee jerk reaction closer to the end of the semester. Then again, I'm also doing Arisia in January, but they'll only have a MES Masquerade game this time. Eep, I still have to get my room res for Arisia, and train tix, which will drain my savings a bit more.

Also slept well in Boston, after a week of not sleeping well at home, maaaybe because I was taking more melatonin at bedtime while I was out there. I've started doing that every night so will have to see if it helps. Still on the Strattera, not feeling too much more focused or energetic, but there's still the sleep 'ish which may or may not be interrelated.

Have not continued on with the backpack project b/c I've been catching up on weekend chores every weeknight so far, I'm also still all crashed out and groggy every night after work, and tomorrow night is the start of the NYC MES weekend. I'm really itching to start my sewing/costuming projects for Halloween weekend's games (GOTHMAS!) but tonight I have to put out the laundry rack, which means no fabric cutting for a while. And next weekend is NYCC, so I'll need to keep the chantry tidy so there's room for my friend to crash. I can at least finish the backpack, I think, maybe a couple other UFOs.

Next in the hopper is the pleather hoodie, and also I'm going to use all the black lace from my old vendor table dressings to make this medieval-ish dress pattern. Obv I'll wear a slip underneath, but I think that makes it flexible to use for more than one larp costume, depending on the color of the underdress/slip. Yaaay flexibility.

I also haven't set up my new stereo, but no rush on that since I won't be giving away the old one for a while. But I really should, b/c I spent the monies on it, and am feeling teh guilt. Maybe I'll do that on Sunday. And toss the last of the Discardias, I think I'll box those old books and put them downstairs after all. Just not wanting to deal with them, and I want my space back darnit. My friends all got their boxes in the mail tho, yay!

Continuing to not make Things, unfortunately. Just too much mundane catching up to do this week, plus extra brainfog. Oh well, I have three more months, and at least the work desk is already cleared for it.

Working on my budgets, I think I can do this OK. Unfortuately, BPAL just put out their Halloweenies. I just have to take some time at home to go over my list of already-haves and whittle down my OMG NEED reflex to a minimal number of bottles. Luckily, they'll be at NYCC, so lets hope a lot of them fail the sniff test lol. Still not feeling 100% better in the respiratory system, but I'll have to try some of my own collection on this week to check my tolerance.

I might just stay in and sew for the next couple weekends between NYCC and NYC-MES. Well, mostly. Its been established that I can do sewing *and* go out in the same weekend, and b/c of budget problems I might keep going with the lazy not-time-consuming cooking this month. A pork shoulder is more meats, but I'm always tempted in to buying all these cooking veggies that just turn to mush in the crock pot anyway and don't really lend much flavur. Meh, I'll think about it, my monthly costco trip will probably be Sunday. And I want to make at least some of the corduroy into stuff soon, b/c the heating is not fixed at work, and likely never will be :-P

My social life is a bit stalled out, after being sick for most of the summer, then having a broken phone, and now that I'm out of it other friends are getting sick b/c fall, and one of my usual social buddies is now not in the city for half the week (I think he's having an Eshu phase). I haven't even been to a full MES weekend since June. At least I have game this weekend and con next weekend tho, so I'm trying not to force myself out of the house as hard. Still don't feel completely recovered from all the ick. Would like to start doing NYC SFC again, but the last couple weeks have been crazy, and tonight is more chores, meh. Maybe this will be the month I finally get to Wits End? Hopefully not by myself. Overall I still can't shake this extra run down feeling I've had for the last few weeks, maybe I shouldn't push myself after all?

But I also want to keep up with my aDC Socials position in MES, so Ima make myself (attempt to) organize at least one thing this month. Might just put out a call for NYRSF on Tuesday and see how that goes. Not free, but not costly either, and they're back in SoHo.

Should I keep trying to have crafty gatherings at my place? Its a very small space, and kinda far out unless you're coming in from Manhattan.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 3
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1351469.html

Last night got very spazzy with my motor skills, accidentally closed the whole browser window and lost a nice long journal post. Whups. Not feeling that much better today, actually, but went to the park to eat brownbag lunch with a friend which was nice.

Meds wise, I think my body is fighting back against the Strattera. Friday I was hyperactive, that settled down for the weekend, then on Monday I completely crashed out and fogged up an hour after my dose, was extra zombied all day. Focusing is still very difficult. Today its very similar. I have the option of being on each level of dosage for 5-10 days, and this is the fifth day of 18mg, so tomorrow Ima increase to 25. So I'll have a couple days to settle into it before going to Boston for the weekend, and I still won't have to raise my dose while I'm there. Sleep and tummy have also been a bit weird, but then they're ALWAYS a bit weird, so *shrugs*. And sleep usually gets weirder in early fall.

The fact that my office is still f'ing freezing is not helping with my focus either :-/ $$ will be tight next month, but I really need a thermometer for my desk.

As previously stated, my weekend was mostly eaten by sewing. But I interspersed sewing hours with cleaning half-hours, so now my workbench/desk is tidy again, and the bathroom is clean. There are still some bits of cleaning & organizing to do but not so much that I need to dedicate an entire weekend to the work. And I'd like to make a habit of cleaning more often so it stops piling up like that :-P

The fam came in for a Sunday brunch visit, for Dad's b'day, and they took some more of my junk away. ( Discardian Aftermath )

Finally remembered to tarot, but I only lapsed for a week I think. Not too bad. The omens look good for continuing 100 Things :-) ( Tarot pics )

A new moon in Libra would fall into my second house, so I hope that's also a good omen for $$s if not financial wealth. Cuz Friday night I looked more closely at my finances, and I've messed them up worse than I realized. Not in a 'help help emergency' way, not by a long shot, but in a 'this will take several months to put back correctly' way. So that's something, at least, that my mistakes haven't actually ruined my life immediately. But that means this is my time to fix them before they do ruin me.

( Lapsed finances geek )

Overall I think Discardia succeeded, I've mostly made space for the life I want. The problem is my brain keeps shorting out and forgetting what I want, so I forget to spend my spare time pursuing those goals. Grr.

Plans for the week include trying to make a friend's impromptu b'day thing tonight (but SHO TIRED and I forgot his gift at home :-/), picking up my new stereo at the store near my home tomorrow, plus crafty stuff after, laundry on Thursday, and Friday I head out to Boston for their MES NWoD weekend of larps. I think getting away from my home for a couple days is a really good idea right now.

Tomorrow I should get the pleather in the mail, which is tempting me to make the hoodie in time for Boston, but NO. Just no. I want to make shiny things again, unrelated to games kthnx. You can have a big new costumey stuff reveal for the 'November' games and not drive yourself crazy this week.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 2
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1351328.html

While the future of my creative process is uncertain (tho I'm looking into possible ADHD diagnosis and treatment), I still have stuff. This stuff wants to be made into prettier, more complete stuff (some of which I could make $$ back on and pay off the credit card debt that it made).

A while back, I came across this blog post via Pinterest, about overcoming creative blocks. The writer recommended just making 100 things. Just crappy, quickly made things. Some of those things would be awesome, many would be crap.

So I'm turning this into a challenge for myself, tho I'm not sure how much confidence I have given my abandoned geekolution for this year. I want to make 100 things by December 31, 2014.

Because I'm ridiculous, there will be a few categories that are all considered Things. For me this is as much about creative blocks as it is about rekindling old habits. Given my hyperfocus problems, I'd rather make 100 things slowly and steadily than in one big energy burst that burns me out for months afterwards.

Things:
-Pieces of jewelry.
-Etsy listings.
-Jewelry blog posts.
-Sewing projects.

Some jewelry will be awesome, and allow me to make two more things, hooray! Other jewelry will be meh, and sent back to the scrap heap. Or maybe redone until I get it right, which isn't quite in the spirit of the original suggestion but this is my project :-P

Sewing projects are included b/c I really need to get thru more of my stash. Probably only 4 or 5 completed Things will be clothing, b/c jewelry comes together much faster (usually). A few sewing projects may end up on my Etsy store, like jewelry bags made of leftover fabric. Why not?

So... that is the challenge. Lets see if I make it happen. I'm planning to track my progress here, on DW/LJ. Feel free to join me if you like :-)

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 3
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1349954.html

Yah, I have not been posting much. But then I post novels on fb, so maybe I should get back to the online journaling :) Some friends are questing to make Dreamwidth more hopping, so here's my contribution.

Lemme see... February... yes, that continued to suck. I was sick for most of it, and couldn't take time off b/c we were understaffed. We would not be up to fully staffed until August, just in time for me to have two or three sinus infections from late July through last week. *headdesk* So that's still a thing. I think I'm just allergic to summer.

In March, however, my social life took a tiny step forward. ( In which I rejoin my gamer geek brethren. )

So I'm larping again, and its given me the jump start I needed to get more active in my own life, but now its time to make larp not the only thing I do. There are options, but I'm having some trouble shifting gears.

Jewelry biz is still on hiatus. Tho I made some jewelry for larp costumes earlier this summer, which was a huge deal for me. But I'm still trying to figure out brain problems on that. Have not yet given up.

Sewing keeps on keeping on, but its not as creative for me as jewelry (tho lots of other ppl are super creative sewcialists, certainly). I keep binge-shopping for fabric, tho, and then put a moratorium on it for months at a time, which leads to more binging. Still trying to figure that out too. Making more effort to sew thru my stash rather than buying more stuff for a few months. Between things I want for fall/winter, Halloween, and Arisia, I have plenty of stuff lined up. Started taking 'sewing selfies' for all the linen skirts and knit hoodies I made this summer (and some nice larp costumes, of course), so I might start posting more of that here.

Podcast writing is also still at a standstill. My creative process is kindof broken, still want to get that together tho.

( Psychological Evals )

Speaking of hyperfocus, I spent the last weekend entirely in the festival of Discardia. ( Hail Discardia! )

Jewelry supplies are now more focused geographically, same with fabric supplies plus they're more accessible, so I can do more of the one and buy less for the other hobby. Assuming I remember I have hobbies :-P But maybe with the right treatment I can get back to being creative. And I tried to condense extra linens + larp costume bits into one place, since those might go together next month. And I can take sewing-selfies in the hallway mirror without capturing Costco sized bags of tp in frame, yay?

Upcoming plans include going to NYCC with my Steampunk Babylon 5 cosplay group, going to Arisia this January, and maybe more trips to Boston for MES larps. I have a few cosplay projects I'll be working on for the next few months, maybe? On top of normal clothes I want to sew. SERE is in April but I'm still mulling it over. And there's one larp costume I'm still adding to. Well, one and a half.

Once the constant summer illnesses subside I'd like to start going back to goth clubs, maybe DoV, and would like to try Court of Lazarus again. Still need to try Wits End and Secret Speakeasy. I've become aDC Socials for the local MES group, so I'll be dragging myself and others to more (cheap/free) things, hopefully. KGB readings are kindof awkward for me b/c of the dinner afterwards, but I'd like to go back to NYRSF more regularly. And I'm trying to keep up with IAF meetups, tho the summer illnesses made that tough. And I'd like to see more improv shows, tho I'm not rejoining as a player, it just wasn't a good fit.

Not sure about DragonCon next year, though I do already have a ticket and a room reservation. This year kinda sucked, but all the preplanning in the world can't prevent a sinus infection before/during con :-P But I have plenty of time to think it over. It would be nice to get my creative projects relaunched so I have something to hawk while I'm there. Or get over my dislike of NYCC so I can just have that be my big con of the year. Its just not the same tho.

If there's anything I learned from the (failed) healing hermit quest I attempted in the Spring of 2013, its that I was secretly an extrovert the whole time. I actually need to be around people, and the free association of new ideas and wandering conversations, to get energized and inspired. Whups. That would explain why its easier to keep up with rpg stuff than my own business, there are other ppl already involved. Tho I space out on answering my gamer emails just as much as all the other kinds :-/

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 3
Current Location: work
Current Music: Dani'el - Algabal
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1349631.html

Lots of thinks and feels today. So, journal time.

Like I've said before, the fact that I'm sho much extra frustrated about my life right now is hopefully a sign that the brainfog is starting to lift. But ... I'm still frustrated. Life is less than pleasant, and feeling frustrated is unpleasant.

So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just chill out and hope the brainfog is unraveling on its own, assuming this isn't just another outlier, or force my way through it with a jackhammer.

Obvious problem with making a plan of action- if the brainfog comes back, I forget all the plans and end up a zombie again.

Is it the trying/striving that's keeping me fatigued? Or will enough justified anger give me a lift out of this perpetual annoyingness?

( Life before *constant* brainfog )

I tried setting up goals & deadlines for jewelry and writing in the last couple of years, every attempt failed miserably. At least, so far. On the other hand, I finished costuming stuff early for DCon. Is this a good sign that I should try that technique again?

Also thinking back to the spring/summer of 2011 when this problem became obvious. And why then?

( External and internal system betrayals )

And then there's the idea that I am better physically, but now all that's left is a big mental block that metaphorically resembles a mucus plug in my brain. And the mind makes things real enough.

I have not yet figured out how to hack my brain subconsciously, sadly. And that's assuming that I'm *not* suffering physically. I am not the biggest fan of medical science these days.

Its very difficult for me to not over-think things. Brevity happens when I edit something down.

Possibly the best plan I can think of is that now I can remember that I have a dayplanner (or at least I could this week) maybe I should just stick to very short-term goals and ignore thinking about all of these problems. Or 'letting go' of them, and of the *wanting* to fix them, in the Sedona way. One hour of sewing. One hour of jewelry. Photograph/catalog/upload 5 things for the Etsy shop. One evening out with friend(s) per week. Edit one episode of project. Ten minutes of yoga while watching teh Youtube.

As I learned with saving $$ for DCon, things add up eventually, and then you go o_O I did all that?? And reintroducing myself to what I luv in a low-pressure way may get me back into my old groove. No deadlines. Don't look at the big picture, ONLY look at the thumbnail. And enjoy the thumbnail.

On the other hand... what happens on days when I can't even remember that there is a thumbnail? :-/

<3 Chrysilla

ps, Also still trying not to drive myself crazy before DCon, with mixed results. Which is why the 'just give up' aspects are so appealing.

pps, Oh duh, see also this week's tarot forecast :-P
Tarot on Tumblr

Current Mood: 3
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1344193.html

Thursday was really nice. Went out for dinner & tarot with a friend, chatted and gossiped all night, and had nice quiet fun. The train rides home were awful (slow *and* un-airconditioned), and my a/c unit at home wasn't quickly fixing the heat problem.

And then I looked up to make sure a rustling noise I'd heard was just a fallen piece of plastic or something, and saw that it actually was a mouse. ( Cue Uber-Panic )

Fast bounce-back from anxiety attack, less freaked out by phobias.
+5 Sanity
+2 Spoons
+5 Cleanliness

Saturday I still felt pretty hung over (but no more than usual for a weekend), so I lazed around for a bit and eventually went thru a 'fun' chore while watching Buffy dvds. ( Chores, sewing, and a variety of bonus scores. )

Actually, here is a photo collage of the process of making the Delenn jacket/skirt costume on my Tumblr b/c photo-blogging is easier that way. And some bits about things I did/fixed and the pattern number.

As for this week's tarot forecast (tumblr) it looks like being towards the end of my budget limits may drive me a bit nutz this week. I do want some things for pest control reasons, and in that case going $30 over won't be the end of the world. In the future, maybe I want to *only* aim on spending 2/3 of my extras budget, so I have that extra cash in case of 'emergency' stuff like this.

( Moar Costuming! )

But I must say, all the SDCC footage and online responses have severely whetted my appetite for DragonCon. I'm torn between wishing it were this week, and being glad its not b/c I have costume stuff to finish ;-) And I REALLY want to do more than one con next year.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 3.5
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1342652.html

Just thinking about how my various 'issues' are accidentally working together for my betterment in odd ways.

Problems with dairy, gluten and other foods => Waaay less eating out at restaurants than I used to.
-5 Social Life
+5 Budgeting

Realizing the Paleo diet was hurting me in some ways => Can have rice and corn chips again, which are (sadly?) both cheaper than meat and veggies.
+5 Spoons (Health/Energy)
+10 Budgeting

Too tired to cook ALL THE THINGS from scratch => Buy easier to cook Chrys-friendly noms, less expensive overall.
+5 Spoons
+5 Budgeting

( More stats! )

So one gigantic theme: what's awful for my social life seems to be awesome for my budget. "Keeping up with the Joneses" really is awful, even outside of the suburbs. When I'm feeling better in the autumn, need to devise less expensive (and less glutinous) methods of hanging out with friends.

And its still ironic that trying the Paleo diet decreased my restaurant spending to almost nothing, but made my grocery bills skyrocket out of proportion to the restaurant spending.

Current Mood: 3
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1342267.html

So the weekend happened, and I stayed inside my building from Friday night thru Monday morning. I went to the laundry room Sunday evening, and that was it. But after last week was much nicer, this week the highs will be in the mid 90s, and my migraines are already coming back. Blegh.

My stomach's also been extra grouchy since dinner break. Could be the heat, could be the herbal tummy supplement I tried this weekend at half dose, and it didn't really do anything. Except stop me from going to bed on time on Friday b/c I didn't remember it was a stimulant until after I took it. Durh.

Because of laundry craziness, I'm wearing slacks to work for the first time in ... weeks? Months? And they're a bit tight. Not sure if this is b/c I'm gaining more weight, my tummy's all upset and inflamed, or if I'm just not used to them anymore. I was my heaviest weight evar around this time last year, so maybe something about summer just makes me heavier. And then I lost 10 of those lbs again by September when I stopped eating wheat for 8 weeks, *shrugs* I just hope I don't have to buy more clothes, b/c urgh shopping :-P

This week I got a bit angsty over the dramas of my past, and it was just weird and sudden. Combo of current events and suggestions, and probably that weird herbal supplement I tried just made me temporarily crazy. Luckily I'm already in therapy, so it was nice talking about it today and trying to figure it out. Aside from that I'd been more anxious and phobic this weekend, and b/c I'd been doing better I'd forgotten my 'anxiety hiccup' practices & Sedona stuff for most of it. Whups. Back on track now. Mostly I blame the summer.

I'm almost done with the sewing parts of my DCon costume. ( Sewing, shinies, research, laundry, and (over?)spending. )

Unfortunately, I've now maxed my 'extras' budget for July, so no more orders of *anything* until August. And I managed to do that before being fully half way through the month. I am not sure I like this pattern- plan a purchase for the next month, spend everything by the half way point, rinse repeat. Yes, all of the things have purposes, but I'm starting to not like spending my $$. Luckily, I have plenty of sewing & crafting to do now that I have no $$ to go out and do things. Not that I'm apparently healthy enough to go out in July. That's how I can afford to make costumes, I'm too sick & tired to attend costumed events :-P

B/c I couldn't fall asleep on Friday night, I spent a while unF-ing my beads workbench area, and organizing and labeling containers. Thus I was able to spend most of Sunday comfortably playing with wire, both tried and true methods to make a few pairs of earrings, and some more experimental stuff to try out for the Dcon project. Monday morning I went through my seed-beading supplies and ... Ima need more soon. But again I think I can hold off until August. Set up four bracelet projects, that should tide me over. May do photos this weekend if I remember. And maybe I'll properly cut and hem the background fabrics I like to use now, so the process is a bit more streamlined, before I break out another full sewing project.

Not that I've even finished uploading the pictures/items from the last bunch of photos I took to Etsy. Or made any blog posts for the ones that are up. Ooops. At least I'm a better artisan than I am a promoter. Ironically, selling more shinies would help with the financial stress. Assuming I can remember how when its 95 degrees and humid outside. Durh.

Today I went over some of the data from my food-journal, to work out how much $$ I *could* be spending on groceries in a month. ( Food, you SUCK. )

I guess its finally super humid now, b/c the newer, prettier drip pan under my a/c is finally seeing some action. And so far it seems to be working like I'd hoped: lower but wider container = more surface area = more evaporation so it doesn't overflow and make me have to deal with the creepy next-door neighbor. Yaaay.

As for this week's social plans, I'm going out with a friend on Thursday to trade tarot services for dinner. Yay! Hopefully my tarot skillz won't suck due to heat-induced brainfog and migraines, but we can always reschedule for another time if I get full-on sick. Other than that, no plans. I hope to have the brainpower for bits of sewing and jewelry work, but if today is any indication I don't have much hope.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 3
Current Location: work

Yay, so my DragonCon room is settled, barring sudden disasters. And all my roommates want to do the Steampunk'd Babylon 5 cosplay idea with me, so I've finally started working on that costume. And I think I'll work on *just* that one before DCon.

( Sewing stuff )

Between researching for my survival at DCon and chucking a large portion of my makeup collection, I've been on an anti-gluten anxious rampage for a few days. ( Ebil, ebil gluten )

Sadly, Ima back to normal brain fog levels today. Not sure why. Maybe the starchy carbs aren't working anymore, maybe its the suddenly-storm weather going on in NYC today and tomorrow. Or b/c I accidentally got shampoo in my mouth last night, cuz I ain't perfect.

I also had hummus on Friday and Saturday, for the first time since ... September? Are chickpeas giving me hangovers now? Ugh, I hope not.

Today is begrudgingly my 2 year anniversary of "Noticing I Might Have CFS" so... um... yay? Also, I think it was early July that I had the migraine from hell that got my old doctor to send me for an MRI. Fun.

I think it was June of 2012 where I freaked out on how horrible I felt overall, and finally exclaimed 'FINE SEND IN THE FAITH HEALERS WAAAARGH.' Instead I got into acupuncture, and the needler, and then my new doctor, both recommended I try the (badly named) Paleo Diet to see if I had any food sensitivities. Which I did. And I started to feel better, tho in stops and starts, until I crashed again around January. More stops and starts, and I'm mostly sure that today I'm better than I was last June, so that's good. I'm not great, but I'm better than I was.

( Weight & Body Image )

Tho also b/c of that discussion online and in my head, I realized I had weeks of food tracking data written down in my notepad that I could plug into an online calorie counter to see what's up. I've been tracking food by weight, more for financial than health reasons, b/c of wanting to try and stay on a grocery budget. And also in case individual foods cause weird flareups/reactions. And to see what happened. Counting calories is just too abstract for me, and requires too much work to track and count everything via internets. For weight I just use my kitchen scale.

It looks like I've been bobbing around 1800 calories per day pretty steadily, usually with 2-2.25 lbs per day. A bit low on carbs, but fat and protein in normie ranges, and the low side of normal for fiber (but too much of that messes me up in unhappy ways). On the other hand, that was just last week, when I was reintroducing starchy corn chips. Will work on earlier data later.

Am still unsure of what was going on with last week's energy spike. If it was the starchy carbs, will that help me indefinitely, or just for a little while before I crash out again? Am I just re-contributing to a chronic/adrenal fatigue relapse? Maybe I just need something a bit easier to digest, and thus 'processed', b/c I'm still healing off years of gluten/dairy abuse on my insides, and 5oz of rice at lunch + 1oz ricecakes at dinner wasn't enough.

I think I might also take a break from acupuncture in July, just to see what happens. I felt better last week (maybe?) without a needle appointment, and I continued to feel awful from winter thru spring with regular appointments. If I hit another "OH DEAR GODS HELP ME" point I can always call them and make the earliest available appointment, having learned my lesson.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 2
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1340914.html

Since Tuesday I've been dealing with a weird problem. An older woman keeps calling my landline and yelling at her son on my answering machine for not calling her back.

( A special kind of stupid )

And after four days of feeling suprisingly really good this week, full of getting things done and talking to ppl I actually like, today I'm a brain fried wreck. B/c some stupid, thoughtless, senile old woman decided to call a number she knew was wrong three days ago at 1am in the morning. And not for any kind of emergency either, just to bother her kid at a time when he would also probably be sleeping.

It is bringing up things that don't work in my head, so that's interesting. I can't stand stupid moms, people that don't listen to me, people who make me suffer via their own selfishness or stupidity, or senseless intrusions into my privacy (phone roach?). However, given my chosen profession I should really work on getting over these issues. Or its ulcers forever.

I'm also really unhappy that *one* sleep interruption, relatively early in my sleep cycle, can completely f#$% me the next day. Even if I get back to sleep (eventually, I was really pissed). After four days of increased energy and decreased brainfog. I really don't want to be this sensitive.

On the other hand, now I know that while I do want to be more social this summer, I should NOT sacrifice my sleep for it. Because it will f#$% me up real good and leave me unable to function later, even if I only lose a tiny bit. Time to start applying my budget skills to my time, if I ever have enough energy for socializing again. Right now it doesn't feel like it :-P

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 1
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1340430.html

Today's been... weird. I'm back up to a '2' now, but at the beginning of the day and before lunch I was all the way down to '1' as in "Should I use a sick day? No, not actually symptomatic of anything. *SIGH*" Low energy, high brainfog, and an annoying behind-the-eyes headache (migraine?) all day.

I went to bed at 11pm-ish, and my alarm went off at 7:30am. But at 5am some random noises woke me up for a while. Eventually I got back to sleep, but by 7:30 I was in a very intense kind of dream cycle, so I felt all kinds of f'ed up when the alarm went off. This morning it felt like I hadn't slept at all, except that I think I got about 7 or 8 hours at least. Srsly? I wonder if I'd be feeling better if I'd just gotten up at 5am. Wth, brain? But this doesn't happen when I wake up at 4am and fall right back to sleep. On the other hand, a rainstorm also rolled in today (did I feel it before I could see it? meh, this is not a superpower I want), and I'm definitely in the PMS sector of my calendar. So Ima cross my fingers for sleep tonite and see what happens :-P

And this is all a huge shame, b/c all weekend I was AMAZING at being functional and productive. OMG. ( All the accomplishments!! )

So after cleaning the balcony on Saturday (OMG YAY) I am still sore four days later. But after reading a blogpost about the wonders of magnesium I had picked up some epsom salts, and figured that achy Sunday nite would be a good time to try them out. My legs and back still hurt but I was more spaced out and happy-fuzzy after. At least I didn't feel worse? I *think* I slept a bit better, but its hard to remember right now. Definitely slept longer on Monday morning than I did on the other days. Srsly, I woke up at 9am on Sunday and couldn't really deal with that fact. I think that's what drove me to the sewing, internal confusion.

Also, my books from Amazon got dropped in the library mailbox Friday afternoon, so I got them this morning. Am trying out a book on the "Sedona Method" for my mental/emotional health. So far its mostly the author talking about how great he & his method are, and I'm having trouble concentrating b/c migraine, so... meh. I'm sure he'll get to something helpful eventually.

( Tarot forecast! )

Still not sure about when I'm going to ease off on hermitting. Astrological omens seem good for getting back out in the world starting this weekend, but I still feel like I'm missing something. Actually, right now I just feel like I have a migraine, so I guess we'll see how I feel tomorrow. Oooow.

I have figured out many things, but according to my newish energy-gauge my levels have gone down pretty steadily. But I'm getting more stuff done too. I don't get it.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: 2
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1338925.html

So this is where I'm dumping all my thinky thoughts about my sleep problems, to keep them in one place for now. I'm still somewhat in mind-racing mode, so now that I'm awake I'm having ALL THE THOUGHTS.

( Doctor Miscommunication & Alpha Waves )( Gabapentin/Neurontin hates me. )( Next steps )

So, time to write an email to my sleep doctor, and try and make it through the day while still in ARGH mode. And look into making friends with a bear totem, cuz why not hedge my bets.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: groggy
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1331998.html

So yes, hello, I'm back. Trying to recapture my internet presences. And since I have a bit more presence of mind reclaimed from the chronic fatigue, maybe I will have more will to write the long winded LJ/DW posts I used to. Semi-publicly. Yay?

( Look, tarot! )

I also do small weekly readings for myself with a new deck, both to familiarize myself with it, but also to keep my skills a bit sharper than I was. Mebbe will post that here too.

In other news, I spent winter break ... not so much putting new years resolutions together, but planning new patterns and habits to develop to try and make my life easier. Success has been mixed so far, but I did get waylaid by a really nasty S.I. for a week.

( New patterns of behavior )

I will vanquish thee, brainfog!!!!

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: The Chantry
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1330728.html

Still alive. I think?

Wicked Faire was a lot of fun. Even though I was feeling pretty wiped out, despite surprise days off before hand, but it was easy enough to chill at my booth and let the con come to me. And the lower table price took a HUGE weight off my mind. And we had really nice neighbors, and really good traffic flow. I brought the puppet, which actually made salesmanship a lot easier for me. W00t!

It was a good reintroduction to sellin stuffs in person, and I'm looking forward to Steampunk World's Faire with my two friends' jewelry companies. We've been approved for hotel-room vending so all of my nefarious b'day plans are coming together. Yay!

Unfortunately, aside from that there were many weeks of badness for my brain. First there was the massive roach incident in January, but then a week before Wicked I had a FRIKING MOUSE in my home. On the 15th floor of a building that does not have hollow walls. Just... ARGH. The anxiety backlash of that was a lot worse than the roach, I had to stay over my friend's house overnight, it was pretty bad. And just as I was getting over the roach incident, so all of *those* feelings came back too.

The Monday before Wicked, a big water tank on the roof of my work-building broke and flooded the whole building. The library I work in is the second floor down, and is probably the only floor with extensive carpeting instead of linoleum, so we got some extra time off while people came in to repair the damage. It was still pretty wet and disheveled when we came back, and only this week things seem to be going back to normal. All of last week I had an obstacle course of extra displaced furniture between the door and my desk, that was not fun. Not to mention displaced books to look for, loud fans, and our new carpets getting pulled back up. Barely any books were damaged (about 20) so the worst part of this so far has been all our newly renovated stuff getting wrecked and thrown out. And the renovation wasn't fun for me in the first place. At least this work stress (supposedly) has a time limit?

So for the last few weeks, between the fun Wicked Faire, office stress, and the brain-cracking phobias, I've been really f'ing drained. Being at home is not relaxing when you're afraid to work in your kitchen, and looking nervously in all the dark corners every five minutes. It slowly sucked all the excitement out of upcoming SWF, ICON (oh F$%# I still need to buy my ticket), and other things. Last week I felt like I'd been thrown back into November as Little Miss Mononucleosis. Too tired to have a social life, frequent migraines, misery at my inability to do anything with my marvelous plans and schemes. I am sho frustrated, considering how much better I felt in early January, and how Wicked Faire turned out well.

( Schemes Interrupted )

Last night I really fell into a pit of angst, about my lack of energy and my life going nowhere as a result. I resisted *most* of the miserably whiny FB updates I wanted to write. I decided "Fine. I give up. No more life or projects until I feel better, F.U. body!! *angstangstangst*"

And today I feel ... better. Not 100%, but better than yesterday and last week. Like I could go to the NYRSF reading tonight without collapsing. So... srsly? I have to have to out-drama my own body to get it to work right? *sigh*

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: sick
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1329749.html

Been calling it a "Level One Diagnostic" instead of a "Diet" b/c its more fun that way. And I have taken several foods offline to systematically study my reactions to later. Unless my food-allergy test on Friday pinpoints things to avoid in a more accurate manner.

I haven't been having very many food cravings, and in my case being too tired to go get whatever it is that I shouldn't eat is working to my advantage. I'm having more trouble finding foods that don't contain wheat and/or soy as fillers. I don't eat much processed food at all now, actually, unless I process it myself. I haven't used my food processor this much in a long time, wow. Its too bad my oven is still broken.

( Progress? )

Actually, at therapy yesterday I realized how super guilty I feel about letting parts of my social life fall away. But really, I can't think of anyone I actually like hanging out with that would give me a hard time for feeling too ill to attend their shows/bookparties/regularparties/etc. Still feel guilty about dropping the Etsy ball again, but at least I'm making some progress on new shinies. And last week I mailed a giant order, on time, w00t. The sewing still takes so f'ing loooong. Maybe I should reframe my expectations. In a few months I'll be better, with a fantastic collection of new clothes, and enough jewelry for Wicked and SWF that may or may not make it to the Etsy shop. Or perhaps I should make a firm decision, no new internet bizness until [insert month here].

And then there's sorcery. I'm probably going to work on this:

If I have the energy. But the L1D is the first step anyway, so I'm already on the path right? I've wanted to mix more magick actually *into* my jewelry work, and my personal sewing projects (I will never sew for $$, eeeeek). And I think I may have inspired the line "You'll keep sewing yourself into who you'll want to be..." ;-)

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: cold
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1325564.html

So lessee, was sick with a sinus infection the week before Thanxgiving, and went to the doctor to find out why I have no energy. Got my results back the week after and apparently my THC levels are normal, and the doctor won't check free T3 if that level is normal, so my (possibly useless) doctor has confirmed that my thyroid is fine. Which may be good news, but still leaves my main question unanswered, and I was extremely upset. So my doctor says "Oh, wait, um, we could do a follow up and I could test you for things like mono and lymes disease..." Because you didn't think you had to test those to begin with? *headdesk* And then I transitioned from sad to really f'ing angry.

I'm also getting sick of my doctors' typical responses "You know, I'm sure its just depression." Sure I'm depressed that I no longer have a social life, but as I've been dealing with mental health issues for half of my lifetime, I can tell this is not a physical manifestation of emotions. In fact, aside from being pissed at my doctor, I haven't had any bad emotional upsets or needed a 'mental health day' in almost two months.

And from that misery I crawled out to Jersey for Thanxgiving, which was pretty nice and relaxing. Now outside of my usual patterns and environment, I started paying attention to when I felt awake or tired. Usually I felt very spaced out unless I had just eaten. At the feast itself, I was barely able to focus on the world around me until dinner, immediately after fooding I went into chatterbox mode, and an hour after the dessert course I was ready to pass out again.

I remembered that one of my aunts is a lactard like me, and celiac (tho I was tested for that at 19 and it came out negative), and I learned that my grandma was hyperglycemic. So once I got back home, I made a big batch of cheese grits and looked online for some kind of "everyday foods make that may you feel terrible" list so I could try and cut some of it out of my diet. And try to do something about the state of my life despite the annoying doctors.

( Diets are weird )

Started the elimination diet on Monday (after eating tons of things from the mustn't list due to Thanxgiving leftovers) and mostly I feel about the same. Still run down and tired. Tuesday night my energy levels kept going up and down, and then I got smacked with an eye strain headache, only slightly alleviated by eating. And better on Monday, but after a long holiday weekend full of potatoes, wheat, and sugar.

My digestive system feels ... weird ... but not bad. No big upsets or dramas, even after having very garlicky hummus for breakfast (at work) on Tuesday. That alone may be worth the bother. Tho sometimes I do still feel kinda queasy.

And I can't seem to find any intel on "When do I start to feel different?" I guess I should prepare myself in case it doesn't change anything :-/

On another note, being at my parents house made me realize that sewing is really stressing me out. Just looking at that big laundry basket full of projects-to-be was bothering me, so I put all of the fabric out of sight for now. I may limit my projects to one or two per month so I can get back to beading (and stop buying fabric). Didn't sew all Thanxgiving weekend, but I have made some new shinies, yay! Tho that all slowed down when the food weirdness started.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: drained
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1325058.html

Last week was better. Still on my social semi-retreat but didn't have any nasty mood swings. Coming more to terms with the idea that if I'm tired, I should F'ING REST. I missed a few parties on Saturday night (and then passed out around 9 or 10pm, so probably for the best) but it did not feel like the end of the world.

Still mulling over the possibility that the lethargy is a case of Saturn Return. Mostly b/c I can't self-administer a blood test and my brain needs to mull. To mull is to be. May elaborate on that in a more selectively posted post. And get actual blood tests b/c I'm fanciful, not stupid.

But there is a sense that being home alone most of the time is giving me a chance to catch up with myself. Like the B5 walkabout without having to walk (especially now that I have a f'ing heelspur, wtf). There has been lots of new things & growing up since October 2009, and now I don't know where to put all of the things. That could be an insight into what's making me moody and tired.

It is also cooler outside in NYC. Still waiting for my brain to re-solidify, but I think its getting better.

I did accomplish some nice at-home things. I know where I want my new framed pictures (some from my b'day, yikes) to go, and I have plans to put some older posters in the closet for a while. Things that don't reflect me as much anymore, but I may as well hold onto since they store flat. And I cleared out my closet/hallway space, and it is a very good space for taking photos of me wearing stuff I've made. I don't think I have the patience to be a regular fashion/sewing blogger (on top of all the other things I'm not doing), but its nice to have a record and be able to show my friends what I'm up to when they haven't seen me in a while.

However, sewing takes sooooo loooooong that I'm not sure I want to keep doing it indefinitely. ( Sew Long? )

Still need to replace my oven. Having trouble focusing on that. I can cook lunchables with the dutch oven for the time being, but I miss baking.

For this week I'm planning more self-exile, at least until the weekend awash with Halloween parties. And try to hit the Magnet party Monday nite after work, too, unless I'm too tired. Will probably wear different dresses on each nite (and an ankle brace), with my cat ears and fangs, and do a "Cat Girl Couture" theme. IE, be Queen of the Cat People all weekend.

With false eyelashes, which I just picked up and aren't as hard to use as I thought. Woot. My eyes will look ginormous!

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1322215.html

Over the last week I made a new necklace, with beads, lucky cat, and a ribbon. And then I started collecting the recently completed pieces in a bowl so I don't lose them before the photo session. Tho I don't know when that's going to be. *shrugs*

Tuesday I found out my oven doesn't work. ( Kitchen Coping Mechanisms. )

It was tea weather for, like, five minutes. I'd like that back pls.

Finally made the muslin mockup of the jacket pattern I'm working on. ( Adventures in sewing. )

The heelspur was getting a lot better, especially after spending the whole weekend at home, and being home sick on Wednesday, but today its pretty bad again. I need to start looking for a new PCP to see about this and the lethargy.

I did get to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in many months on Friday nite. And it was fun to go out for a bit. But for the most part, I am content to be at home getting in touch with my inner Boggan. Sometimes I get hit with a wave of srsly lonely depression, and I got hit with a really bad one on a night last week. However, they seem entirely separate and distinct from my usual feelings of "I'm tired, and would rather go home and sew things than go to a show tonite." This is what therapy is for.

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1319294.html

Remember how I took August 'off' from all obligations that didn't include work or healthcare? Yah, I'm going back to that for the time being.

August I was all "I'm in hibernation so I can recuperate from an annoying spring & summer & be awake for DCon," which worked out fine except for all the sudden force-of-nature happenings in NYC that last week, plus stomach flu symptoms. That messed me up again. And I continued to feel messed up at and after DCon (tho I did get fun out of it once I realized how to pace myself for the weekend).

I think the time-off approach was correct, but I need to stick to that until I actually feel better, rather than trying to stick to an external schedule.

And I *am* starting to feel better mental/emotionally, but physically my body's all "Nope, can't. No. Lets watch Avatar instead. :-P" And I'm still burnt out creatively. Trying to force myself to be social and outside is not actually helping anything.

Still luv all u guys, and I am reading invites and such as I get them, and if I happen to get a sudden surge of OMG I HAVE TO GO OUT OR I WILL EXPLODEZZZ I may in fact attend. And I'll still be doin my online things. But for the most part I will probably be at home resting, performing domestic tasks, and with luck making jewelry and written things soon.

Eventually (I hope?) I'll have the energy to get back to the social things I enjoy. It could be Friday, or next week, or Xmas. I really hope its not as long as Xmas, but 2011 seems to be the year of weird stuff gettin in the way.

<3 Chrysilla

ps, Yah, this means the jewelry side of my brain still isn't operational. Frustrating, but I'm not ready to give it all up yet. I hope to find shininess again in solitude.

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1315700.html

So, DragonCon happened. ( Read more... )

DCon actually helped me focus on and prioritize what I want to be doing with my non-job time for the next few months. I don't know if that's weird, but its me, so Ima go with it.

First tier priorities:

-Jewelry, and getting the biz back on its feet.

-Writing the damn radio scripts.

-Tai chi classes, so maybe I'll stop feeling so yucky all the time.

Lesser tier priorities:

-Sewing!

-Watching teh improv.

-Socializing with my nerdkine (readings, DoV, Anachronism, picnics, etc).

-Puppeteering, but I'm still having a hard time figuring out *where* to do that, so it may be at the bottom of the list for a while. But I really miss it.

I wonder how good Dusk would be at selling jewelry?

Not sure where sorcery falls into this list. Its more a way-of-life than a priority, anyway.

( Where's teh improv? )

Now if I could just get healthy enough to do this stuff, dammit. I'm ready for it to stop being 'summer break' now, and have watched quite enough Star Trek for a few weeks.

Started taking flaxseed oil pills for the omega 3s I might be missing, and iron to see if it helps. In addition to a half dose multivitamin and D pills that I already take (mostly) daily. Food is just too confusing in terms of nutrition, I would rather hedge my bets with supplements and see if I feel better. Feeling better is really my main overarching goal right now.

A martial arts group in SoHo has a Tai Chi beginners class on Thursdays, but this week I'm still feeling a bit sniffly, and I'm going to see Bill Bailey in concert tomorrow (YAAAAY!!!) so that's for next Thursday. Yay for water bending class ;-)

<3 Chrysilla

Current Mood: blah
Current Location: work
Crossposts: http://qotcpcf.livejournal.com/1311708.html

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chrysilla

Queen of the Cat People, class with a cult following

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Queen of the Cat People

Entries tagged with mental health

A Week of Catchups

Resetting a variety of systems.

Prologue: 100 Things (Challenge? Resolution? Impending Doom?)

The last few months...

Not the big picture, just the thumbnail?

Captain Shinypants

Gaming the System.

Rolling in the water and rolling down the old main drag

Bodies iz Confusing

THUD

Today's ick belies yesterday's awesome.

To Sleep, Perchance.

Mow.

Whack-a-Mole

Level one diagnostic continues...

Level One Diagnostic, pls.

Mulled Me.

Holding Pattern

Back to bed.

... NOW can I get it back together pls?