Queen of the Cat People

So, week and a half or so without posting, whups! On the other hand, the headaches have taken a pretty bad turn this late-June-early-July time of year. So I've also had to bail on socializing plans for the last couple of weeks, contrary to my long-term goals, so kinda sad. On the other hand, I learned the hard way many years ago that going out when you don't feel well can lead to high levels of more ick.

It helps to keep things in perspective. In general, this time last year I was a complete wreck. Severely chronic-fatigued, no real plan of action to deal with it, and no medical support structure to help me. Physically and emotionally depleted, probably the lowest point of the last two years of this body-fail. Specifically, I think it was early July when I had the migraine that was so severe I needed an MRI to make sure I wasn't having a stroke. (It wasn't, and now I have fun free pics of my brain, yay.)

By comparison, things aren't so bad this summer. Even with the headaches (no crazy migraine auras yet), even with having to bail on friends parties and events, even with renewed sleep deprivation & my energy levels plummeting again yesterday and today. My road to less-fail started this time last year, so didn't really become obvious until late August, so I didn't really learn how to deal with the Dog Days of Summer in NYC. Guess I'll learn now, *shrugs*.

This time I have doctors who actually help me, an acupuncturist who is nice and insightful (tho we're taking a break for this month due to financial reasons, and she's even OK with that), and have identified and eliminated dietary and lifestyle habits that were making me worse. Tho the only properly diagnosed problem I have is a barely researched hard-to-treat sleep disorder, it helps to know I have it, and my non-drug guesswork to try fixing it has been helpful.

So I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing, brought on by the heat, and also hoping that I can acclimate to the heat rather than just hide in my home all summer.

I also hope that I'm actually 'leveling' into a more interesting stage of life, b/c the alternative looks very not fun.


As for the last couple weeks of goings on...

( Weekend of fabric! )

( The 2.5 Day Work Week )

( Doctor Visit (no, not that one) )

( Patriotically Sick )

( Dizzy Cooking for a Four Day Weekend )

Conked out early Sunday nite and got 9 hours of sleep for today. But this morning I had another bout of being a listless lump, almost unable to get my butt out of the house to start the day. That seemed to pass by the time I got to work, but the brain fog is still really bad. Behind the brain fog, my energy levels seem to be fluctuating, but not too low.

I think today's ick is from continued sleep dep, and thus indirectly caused by the heat wave. No matter how many aspects of my life that I hack, or how many precautions I take, you just can't control the weather. Oh well. But up until yesterday and today, my energy levels had been pretty good, so maybe I'll start feeling better now that this week's heat index is around 90F instead of 100F. And I hope I'm acclimated by DCon.

There's a Harry Potter meet up group gathering on Thursday, so I'd like to attend that, but hopefully body fail won't get in the way. I won't force myself to go if it does, tho its nicely close to one of my train lines. Its at a bar with food, but not me-friendly food, so will pack an extra lunch box for that day if I think I'm up for it. Saturday is Browncoats, but I like having my Saturdays free to sleep and/or space out. But its an option.

This morning I remembered to pack one new project into my bead kit and take it to work with me, so that's good. I think with my recent heat issues, and recent weird weather, I'm just going to stay inside on my lunch breaks with craft stuff. I didn't get around to putting some other projects together, but hopefully I can when the brain fog lifts. I haven't had much yen for jewelry work lately, despite the energy increase, but I hope it hits soon. I need shiny things for my DCon & wedding costumes, and my Etsy shop. I think I have enough seed beads & crystals to do more of those types of pieces until August, when I may have to order some more, in that nice specific "I have a list!" way that works quite well for me.

<3 Chrysilla

Yay, so my DragonCon room is settled, barring sudden disasters. And all my roommates want to do the Steampunk'd Babylon 5 cosplay idea with me, so I've finally started working on that costume. And I think I'll work on *just* that one before DCon.

( Sewing stuff )

Between researching for my survival at DCon and chucking a large portion of my makeup collection, I've been on an anti-gluten anxious rampage for a few days. ( Ebil, ebil gluten )

Sadly, Ima back to normal brain fog levels today. Not sure why. Maybe the starchy carbs aren't working anymore, maybe its the suddenly-storm weather going on in NYC today and tomorrow. Or b/c I accidentally got shampoo in my mouth last night, cuz I ain't perfect.

I also had hummus on Friday and Saturday, for the first time since ... September? Are chickpeas giving me hangovers now? Ugh, I hope not.

Today is begrudgingly my 2 year anniversary of "Noticing I Might Have CFS" so... um... yay? Also, I think it was early July that I had the migraine from hell that got my old doctor to send me for an MRI. Fun.

I think it was June of 2012 where I freaked out on how horrible I felt overall, and finally exclaimed 'FINE SEND IN THE FAITH HEALERS WAAAARGH.' Instead I got into acupuncture, and the needler, and then my new doctor, both recommended I try the (badly named) Paleo Diet to see if I had any food sensitivities. Which I did. And I started to feel better, tho in stops and starts, until I crashed again around January. More stops and starts, and I'm mostly sure that today I'm better than I was last June, so that's good. I'm not great, but I'm better than I was.

( Weight & Body Image )

Tho also b/c of that discussion online and in my head, I realized I had weeks of food tracking data written down in my notepad that I could plug into an online calorie counter to see what's up. I've been tracking food by weight, more for financial than health reasons, b/c of wanting to try and stay on a grocery budget. And also in case individual foods cause weird flareups/reactions. And to see what happened. Counting calories is just too abstract for me, and requires too much work to track and count everything via internets. For weight I just use my kitchen scale.

It looks like I've been bobbing around 1800 calories per day pretty steadily, usually with 2-2.25 lbs per day. A bit low on carbs, but fat and protein in normie ranges, and the low side of normal for fiber (but too much of that messes me up in unhappy ways). On the other hand, that was just last week, when I was reintroducing starchy corn chips. Will work on earlier data later.

Am still unsure of what was going on with last week's energy spike. If it was the starchy carbs, will that help me indefinitely, or just for a little while before I crash out again? Am I just re-contributing to a chronic/adrenal fatigue relapse? Maybe I just need something a bit easier to digest, and thus 'processed', b/c I'm still healing off years of gluten/dairy abuse on my insides, and 5oz of rice at lunch + 1oz ricecakes at dinner wasn't enough.


I think I might also take a break from acupuncture in July, just to see what happens. I felt better last week (maybe?) without a needle appointment, and I continued to feel awful from winter thru spring with regular appointments. If I hit another "OH DEAR GODS HELP ME" point I can always call them and make the earliest available appointment, having learned my lesson.

<3 Chrysilla

I've felt strangely not-awful this week. Despite the cleaning binge & all the rains (tho there have been migraine teases, I have meds for that), I am still a functional person, and my energy levels seem to be going up a bit.

So I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why, hoping its not a random phenomenon:
( Why so awake? )

My tummy is still grouchy, but I'm learning how to deal with the new weirdness. But my skin is also breaking out more this week. And when the CF started gaining traction in my life, my skin became abnormally clear for me. That indicated that my problem might be hormonal, which indicated that it might be my thyroid, but common medical industry practice is "F#$% your problems if they don't show up on our tests the way we say they're s'posed to." So while my thyroid looks inflamed on an ultrasound, my blood tests are in the 'normal' rage, so f#$% me.

And wasn't I super sleepy for the last two weeks? And now I'm more awake than usual. Hmph. Body, you need a better manner of communication. "Owch" and "Zzzzz" just aren't enough.



Thanx to newfound energy and a bit more focus, I'm working on my usual summer backlog at work, and finally remembered to order my plane tix for Dragoncon. And I'm making a more focused effort to find roommates, that involves me *writing down* interested parties and details in case my brain shuts down again.

But DCon in two+ months isn't enough for me, I wanna be geeking out nooooow. So I'm looking into geeky meetups in NYC. ( Looking For Group )

That's odd now that I think about it. My brain has a few extra spoons to work with, and its all RESEARCH CONS instead of WRITE SCRIPTS. Will mull this over. I still haven't had a moment to sit down and mull/meditate over the Sedonia stuff in the privacy of my own home, b/c things. Maybe I'll finally get that together tonite. And more thinking on whether or not I'll remain a hermit, but the lack of social offerings in NYC that don't start *after* my bedtime in far off boroughs may keep that a slow gradual process.

Lol, yesterday I had more spoons, but was teetering into a bad mood (b/c reasons), and suddenly remembered that I could text a local Village-centric friend to see if they wanted to hang out after work. And we did! And had Bareburger, on LaGuardia but I just made sure not to order a (cricket) salad with my burger. Good idea, considering the rest of the week will be rained out. And still got home after hanging out/dinner with more than enough time to fold excess laundry and get ready for bed. And falling asleep was a bit harder again due to "OMG AWAKE" but otherwise I slept OK.

( And weird dreams happened )

This weekend is Dad's Day, and I was waiting for a verdict on that before making other plans. And the fam wants to come into Queens for Bareburger on Sunday, so I have time for more stuff aside from chores. That could be cutting fabric for the DCon costume, or more weird baking experiments, haven't decided yet. Oh, and some extra cleaning tasks that didn't work out last week for one reason or another.

I'm going to try limiting my sewing habit to 3 hours per weekend, and hopefully I'll get the B5 dress done by LDW without burning myself out. But that will include a mockup/muslin of the jacket part. Will see how this works out. There are some other light-costuming bits I'd like to finish from the project bin, but I'm not entirely sure I have places to wear them yet. *shrugs*

<3 Chrysilla

Its another long, slow Monday night at work full of coughing patrons. But after tonight, no more Monday nites until June, b/c I'm taking off for my b'day next week, and the week after is Memorial Day. And after that, its summer session, and hopefully most of the coughing patrons will be off and away. So ... one more night.

I really hope summer session helps me reset my system some more, and set up some new habits. Like working on photo/writing stuff while on the circ desk, getting a more regular sleep cycle for a few months, etc. Becoming less cranky about patrons in general. At least I hope its not *more* stressful, that may be the summer of 2014. There's a plan to replace all of the windows on our floor, which are all floor to ceiling and make up almost the whole outer wall of the library. Not sure if they'll shut us down for that this time, tho.


The weekend was ... adequate. ( Indian food is magical? )

And the plan is to do combined MomsDay/CrisDay stuff on this coming Saturday, since I'll have a four day weekend and hopefully not be too ded tired to enjoy myself outside like this weekend. Might get a couple of (light, folding) things for the balcony, its too bad I was in no state to work on that space this weekend. The rainy weather is actually great for that. Oh well.


I found a little sketch pad I was no longer using for ideas (b'c I don't really have many of those anymore) and am starting to use it as a food journal this week. If my brain really does need a less fibrous, more-complex-than-plain-sugar type of carbohydrate to function, I will figure out which one hurts the least. Am also working on eating less fresh fruit/veg to see if my tummy settles. Counter-intuitive for spring, but welcome to my life.


And this is our tarot forecast: ( Tarot pic! ) Hopefully good omens for creative work. And y'know, birthday. I will settle for being awake enough to remember to meditate and do some yoga.

Was going to try and organize some written script bits this evening, but just spaced out instead. *shrugs* I'm considering going on a blog-fast for a few weeks and reading through the collection of short story collections I keep at the office, b/c the blogs were just too distracting tonite. I think my brain needs more complexity in its input, and not just food-wise.

Still not balanced. Don't really have anything to balance *with* yet. But I'm feeling a tiny bit better than last week, so hopefully this is the start of good things.

<3 Chrysilla

Was a mixed weekend. Each day offered a b'day outing with a good college era friend. But the movie party won out over the picnic-surrounded-by-pollen party. And I could only really do one or the other and still get all my home stuff done. On the upside, saw Iron Man, yay!

Did not really accomplish anything aside from my normal chores. No new jewelry happened, or photo editing or Etsy uploads. ( Meatballs and Pillows )

Having so much fun out with friends also put my hermit-project into more perspective. On one hand, being on my own really has forced me to figure new/old stuff out. On the other, I don't want to do this forever. I like my friends, they are fun to hang out with, it gets me excited about things in a way I can't be while totally on my own. So what is the balance? For now, Ima keep the 'lets recap' date my b'day, and from there I'll decide how many more weeks/months I want to work on this. So far its not looking like a total fail, but I'm also not expecting to be totally cured/managed by the 19th. We shall see.


For the last couple of days unfortunately, I've felt sooper groggy, sleepy, and hungover. ( I has teh brain worms. )

And yay, got my time off approved for my 4-day b'day weekend :-D Trying to figure out if I should reschedule my allergy shot and therapy sessions for the Friday and Monday respectively, b/c that means I can just sleeeeep those days and stay in the neighborhood. Or, leave them be, and its an easy way to tempt me out of the house on those days. Tho doing my regular grocery run on a weekday afternoon instead of the weekend might be a pleasant change too. So maybe I'll get my shots rescheduled for Thursday evening. B/c right now I'm definitely leaning towards maximum sleepage.

<3 Chrysilla

So, full moon in Scorpio with a partial eclipse, no wonder I've been extra introspective this week. And getting somewhere with it, tho still at a snail's pace.

Figured I'd do a tarot reading to see where I was with things. Not without road bumps, but wow hermitting does seem to be a good idea right now.

And since I know ppl who are interested in such things, here's how my kind of tarot reading works:

( Tarot analysis, wit big photos )

So yeah, Ima keep working on teh me, and things will be OK. Sorry in advance if I can't make it to your gigs/emergencies, but I'm just not up for it right now.

<3 Chrysilla

I think this is the beginning of Hardcore Hermitting Week Four, and ... I almost am starting to feel better?

Its difficult to gauge, I think I'd be feeling better if I hadn't been sick last weekend. And between illness and world-wide news last week, I was pretty ready to go home Friday night and stay in my chantry until the world's proper end. But my neighbor-friend tempted me two blocks away to his house with grass fed beef shin and properly cooked bone marrow, and probably some plant matter that I don't remember. My stomach couldn't get thru all of it, but I think I ate most and didn't explode, so yay for that.

He also got me started on Hemlock Grove, for better or worse. Its VERY Twin Peaks like, to the point where I think they played a remix of the theme music during the school-dance scene in episode 2. It has the same weird ungainly mix of pacing, where some bits are just so f'ing boring and pointless, and other parts you need to rewind and turn on the subtitles to figure out what just happened. A lot more graphic than TP, with much better special effects, and more teenage drama thrown in. Also, lots of characters vomiting, I guess that's supposed to make it more edgy. *shrugs* Got a bit more than halfway through this weekend, will probably finish it next weekend.


Things happened other than tv this weekend. ( Accomplishments )

Sadly, no creative beading/writing work got done this weekend. But I half expected that due to being sick last week. I did dream of packing up lots of beads and jewelry supplies Saturday nite, tho, to take with me somewhere or other. Don't remember any other details. I did re-pack a bunch of the new materials into my traveling bead kit for this week. Yay new necklaces in strange new color combos. Maybe someday I'll remember to photograph the pile of pieces I've already completed.


This week's focus is to read the books I already have on treating anxiety problems. ( New Brain-Hacking )

This week's tarot reading looks dramatic but hopeful: ( Tarot! )

Also mulling over b'day plans. Maybe go for dinner with ppl in a Chrys-safe restaurant, and then go to see the new Star Trek movie? But this would be 5/18, and I'm not sure which of my friends will not have already seen it by Saturday.

Beltane is coming up, and I just don't give a f#$%. Another reminder to change the salt-bowl. Tho I'm tempted to make this year's prayer something along the lines of "No, F#$% YOU universe!!" *sigh* Its a 'school' nite anyway. Some friends' b'days are the following weekend, fun but I'll probably only be able to do one.

But here I am, and I will keep on keepin' on for another week. I actually feel kinda impatient right now, like I'd rather be at home doing creative stuff than here at work. Tho if I *were* suddenly home, that's no guarantee that I'd actually do anything. Still pretty brain fogged, so who knows.

<3 Chrysilla

One full week of hermitting done, still feel about the same energy/brainfog wise. Been headachey, but I'm not sure if that's based on sleep dep or impending storm of pollen. There are always just too many factors to count. Been getting 8-9 hours of sleeps each night, so yay! I *can* get it together!

I felt on the OK side of my new normal when I got up this morning, after 9 hours of sleeps, but after my 10am allergy shot I am craaaashing sho hard. At least I only get these things every three weeks now.

One other problem cropping up- some evenings, especially Thursday, I end up with a lot of time and nothing to do. And due to the brainfog, I forget that I have jewelry supplies, audio books, podcasts, and dvds. So I usually space out at Youtube for a while. Last Thursday nite I actually got 10 hours of sleep due to boredom.

I'm bored for the first time in ... I can't remember :-P. And yet I end up stressed out by Sunday night b/c I don't get all my chores done until the last minute. That's something I need to work on. Its just odd how on weekends my brain's all "Hey wake up, its 10am!" but then sits in zombie mode for the next 8 hours and I don't get much done. Can I get more sleeps and more activities pls?

This weekend I need to work on the regular chores + taxes, but I hope to do something creative. To remind myself that I *can* do creative things at home. Hoping taxes don't melt my brain too badly.

And I will have to leave the house on a CC run, b/c it will include annoyingly shaped/fragile items so my small bag won't cut it. I think I'm getting the hang of budgeting my groceries. Lets see if I can keep up with it when I'm actually *buying* them.

<3 Chrysilla

The latest life-yuck has inspired me to be more focused in dealing with my fatigue problem, but at least now that it might be a sleep problem its easier to work on that one thing. If doctors don't actually know what is causing this brain wave abnormality, or what could make it stop, I have no reason *not* to experiment on myself with fewer side effects :-P

So this is me, trying to maximize my spoon savings, between doing things ahead of time on less active days (weekends), thus giving myself permission to not do *anything* at the end of active days (weekdays). And some hacks good for everyday. All ultimately geared towards making myself not too distracted or wound up to sleep at night, while keeping up with my daily survival.

( Hack & Slash )

It also makes me sad to think that for me, more balance = less seeing of friends and fewer group activities. But maybe that's just the sacrifice I have to make for now, and if I manage to jumpstart my spoon supplies, and then my personal projects, my social life will be more sustainable. And at least I can still talk to friends via FB... when I remember to reply to their messages. *sigh*

Actually, its not like I see that many people very often anymore, its just that now I've decided to stop feeling guilty about it. Srsly friends, there are things about my daily life problems I haven't explained in public b/c I didn't realize how serious they might be. And when I did, I didn't want to freak ppl out. But even if they turn out to not be that serious, I'd still like them to stop, and I may have to miss some shows and/or parties to ensure that happens.

I will happily 'like' all the FB photos of your adventures, but I can't have any more adventures of my own until I fix this.


And I will probably be taking stock of if/how this is working out around my b'day, mid May. So 6ish weeks from now, seems good. If things aren't working *at all* by then, will have to re-hack.

<3 Chrysilla

Friday night I started taking 3mg of melatonin at bedtime, like I stopped doing around January 2011, and I feel pretty OK. No residual drowsiness (tho with me, that's hard to tell anyway).

Actually, I've had a really super busy weekend (by my current standards), despite wanting to crawl inside my own skull and expire for most of Friday. I had already put sewing out of my mind that day due to my negative bonus to dex for two days running, so I got hyped up for home improvement and chores, which turned into another bout of Discardia.

( A Weekend Full of Accomplishments )

Jebus. OK, that was mostly just cleaning, feel free to skip the cut tags. But I have precious little else to be excited about these days, so I enjoyed it while it was happening.

Did not get around to the dusting, but by the end of the weekend most of it was probably airborne. So its in my best interest to let it fall to the surfaces and then kill it with cloths and swiffers next weekend. And then wet-wash the floors once its warm enough to open the back door for chemical venting. I wore a cheap dust mask for most of the work, and don't have a S.I. today, so double yay.

And I still haven't cleaned up the top of the fridge, which used to be mouse central, b/c issues. But soon I think. Maybe I just did all of that other cleaning to avoid that one little spot of territory? Blah, issues.

When it gets warm outside, I may finally feel functional enough to wash the f#$% out of the balcony and start setting up that space again. Not to mention, painting the bathroom and hallway seem less intimidating. Even the kitchen reno, but less intimidating still leaves that kind of intimidating. Eeep.


However, this is all dependent on me feeling less CF-y. Which I do so far. Unfortunately I could also just be pms'ing, which sometimes results in extra energy and good mood swings. So if I still feel on the better side of my normal next week, or even better than that, I'll start considering getting a life again. I'm not sure a massive, early spring cleaning binge really counts.

Other things that need to happen sooner: Taxes, photographing the latest shinies. Less sooner, I'm finally mending/fixing old clothes so I don't have to buy new ones, yay! And maybe that pattern sewing project I recently got fabric for. DCon is only 6 months away, so I'm starting to suss out if I need any new patterns & fabric, or if by coincidence I already have everything I need.

A friend is having a b'day party on Friday that I'll try to attend, I'd like to try and hit Browncoats on Saturday afternoon, and NYRSF is Wednesday, so maybe I'll have the energy for some of that socializing.

<3 Chrysilla