It are my birfday! :-D
May. 21st, 2013 05:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrysillaI feel better today than I have for a few weeks, at least body-wise. Nothing hurts, my tummy is behaving, and I keep accidentally slamming doors and walking too fast. Sadly my brain is still all fogged up. So the four day weekend for birfday did help, tho I wasn't entirely productive during the vacation, but that was kinda the point.
Work was a lot quieter than usual on my 12-2 shift, since its the last day of finals and commencement is tomorrow. But a bunch of cough-ers just showed up this afternoon and its starting to get on my nerves. Oh well, can't win. Tomorrow summer hours start and I get to have the same bedtime for more worknights.
Yay, my birthday happened last weekend! I successfully got to be not-at-work on Friday & Monday. Friday I resolved to do as little as possible, and I succeeded. Went out on Saturday to NJ to hang out with family, and it was nice, except that I was a zombie for the whole day. Not sure why, but allergies and weather-pressure seem likely culprits.
Sunday was my proper birfday, and I went to Bareburger and Star Trek with friends in Chelsea, which went surprisingly smoothly. It rained, but all of my plans were indoors, and suddenly I liked the dreary trenchcoat weather again. Yay! And then after the movie went home to think about my life and unwind, figuring I'd quit and kick back while I was ahead. But it was really nice seeing a nice group of friends again, or actually representatives from several different friends groups who are all nice and geeky.
Monday I still had my therapy session, but later in the day, so it was very leisurely until the evening when I had to catch up on my chores. And when I went out to my session it was already too warm to wear jeans, apparently, so I was kinda heatstroked when I got back home. Luckily, I picked up a new air-fan while I was in NJ, so I'm prepared.
Nommed more carefully at Bareburger this time, and just had my lamb burger with a side salad (no grasshoppers this time). Have not yet come down with stomach flu symptoms, so either the sauces and/or peanut oily french fries are evil, or I just had a virus that weekend. *shrugs* I also just need to find a bigger place to accommodate my b'day parties if they're going to continue to involve food. Ironically, the grasshopper-salad location would have had a better seating area for us. And they're still just ... not organized, and kinda jerky. If I'd called at 12:40, they'd save the 'big' table for me, but if I call at 12pm, walk in at 1pm and its just opened, they don't want to hold it for 20 minutes? Blah.
As for the new Star Trek, I liked it but I'm not a diehard Trekster. I get the feeling that this is a movie for the non-diehards b/c there's more of us on this planet, which really sucks for the diehards. Also, whitewashing. But Simon Pegg keeps bein' awesome, OMG Bones, Uhura moxie, and Buckaroo Bonsai in space, so yay.
I said I'd reevaluate my hermit status around my b'day, and as of now I think I'm going to keep going for a couple more weeks. I've figured a lot of stuff out (diet, anxiety, etc), but I still feel like I'm missing something(s). Other things need to be figured out still. Including things I probably haven't thought of yet. Will reevaluate again around June 1st.
Things I've figured out:
-Oh, I *do* have anxiety problems.
-How to start working on my anxiety 'hiccups'.
-There is such a thing as too much fiber. Or so my tummy sez.
-I only really need to eat about 2 lbs of food per day.
-I'm not nearly as emotionally attached to food as I thought I was.
-Gluten still gives me hangovers (I think that's what happened the week after 5/5, sneaky gluten).
-Dairy = dizziness and breakouts.
-Extra magnesium fixes sudden dairy breakouts?
-Allergies = still evil, but not as evil as they used to be.
-I have so much 'bored' time during my work day that I could be using more effectively for side projects, as long as my brain is awake enough to be effective.
-FB f#$%s me up. Distracts me from other things, causes more spaciness and eyestrain headaches. Won't give it up completely, but will cut back.
-Having too many blogs to read stresses me out.
-Writing things down = good.
-Really did need new pillows.
-I do need a social life, but refusing to feel guilty about taking care of myself first has been good for me.
-I really don't need new clothes.
-Planning ahead = less stress later. Or more freedom to not-think, which is good b/c a lot of the time I *can't* think.
-Sewing stresses me out.
-Complicated cooking stresses me out, simple cooking is more worth it.
Not yet figured out:
-Still haven't found a long term way to manage the whole 'awake right before bedtime' thing.
-My internal temperature settings are weird.
-CBT isn't enough for me, identifying the troubling thoughts doesn't always stop the feelings. (Just ordered a book on an emotions-based self therapy to try slightly different approach.)
-Where'd my muse go?
-How can I remember to do things at home like jewelry work and exercise?
-I suck at remembering to meditate.
-Why is my brain still all foggy when my body is awake (money's still on sleep disorder).
-How can I make sewing *not* stress me out?
-How can I make my sleep better when I'm already unconscious?
-I'd like to let go of more past mistakes/traumas. That was easier when I was living my life more actively.
-How do I balance social life with me time?
-Still need to do the phobia exercises in my CBT workbooks. I think those are a large part of my anxieties, and are making it harder for me to feel comfy in my home, which is a big f'ing deal for me.
I think the bottom line is "Brain, y u no wake up?" Present theory is that its the sleep disorder, which is being caused by the anxiety problems. Tho it used to be caused by food sensitivities which I've mostly cleared up. I still show a lot of symptoms of adrenal fatigue (ie, most awake at bedtime), but there's really no treatment for that except to continue getting moar sleeps and eating a balanced diet. Fixing that can take months to years.
And then there's the realization that this may never be *cured*. But in that case, there may still be the possibility to get it *managed*.
As for teh foods, lately I've noticed I'm a lot less emotionally attached to it than I thought I was. I think what I thought was emotional eating was actually more like a compulsion. And whenever I see someone go "Waaah I have to give up bread b/c doctor sez so waaaah" I just wanna punch them. Definitely not nice, but for f@#$s sake, if its your diet or your life, why the f@#$ would you decide to keep the diet that's making you [more] sick?
Food has become more or less just that stuff that I eat so I don't feel hungry. I set out to eat about 2 lbs of it a day, and with my very sedentary lifestyle that seems enough that I don't feel deprived (that may change if/when I'm an active Chrysilla again). I get some pleasure from it, sure, but cravings are few and far between. After experimenting with cheese last week, which was not as awesome as I remember, its even easier to diffuse attatchments/cravings of noms with "Will that really taste as good as you think it will?" Cheese, bread, etc are just no longer a part of my life, and I don't really miss them.
Since hermitting started, I've been more sheltered automatically from the social ramifications of having weird dietary requirements. But when I rejoin society, I'll definitely have to find alternatives to going out for food with ppl.
I haven't had any problems from ppl who think I'm just being a hysterical hypochondriac (at least, not that I'm aware of, behind the back still possible), but I'm expecting it to happen eventually given the small but inevitable reactions to being the token non-drinker. Tho its annoying that even when one can resist bread & cheese, gluten still lurks in all sorts of sneaky places in the American diet. Which means you can't trust any random restaurant not to hurt you.
At the movies on Sunday, some of our party split off to get chocolate before getting to the theater, and the guy who said he'd pick me up something brought back a box of Jaques Torres bon bons, which is what I asked him *not* to get (no way to tell exactly what ingredients they were made with, how much dairy, possibility of gluten, etc). But then I was actually able to RESIST fancy JT chocolates on my own b'day.
The OMG aspect of that moment didn't hit me until later, but OMG. I can resist chocolate to avoid future health problems. OMG!!! I chose health over chocolate! I mean, I've been straightedge since 2008, but I didn't even like alcohol that much to begin with. Resisting chocolate is something I never thought I'd be able to do.
On the other hand, I'm worried that my lack of food-emo may be a side effect of some kind of all-over emotional suppression. Hopefully I just 'got over' my relationship with food.
I've done sho much tarot over the last few weeks that I decided not to do any specifically for my b'day. The Beltane readings covered plenty of 'this oncoming year' stuff. And my brain was a bit foggy, even after such a nice celebration on Sunday. But I still did my weekly forecast:
It seems like:
Yay, new (if somewhat uncomfortable) things!
Yay, building wealth, life patterns, beneficial systems!
Boo, people are jerks! Or maybe my own body is still being a jerk. So maybe new insights into my jerk body. Or continuing to hide myself away, seemingly selfishly to others.
Ironically, its an acupuncture week, and I've been wondering if I should take a break from it for a while b/c (expensive, and) it hasn't seemed to be helping the last few weeks. On the other hand, allergy season is making LOTS of things not help since April. Will ask for allergy needles this week. Tho I also need to reschedule my appointment tomorrow night b/c I didn't think summer hours started until after Memorial Day :-P
As for mundane-ness, I think I'm going to try a spicy meatball recipe that didn't go so great a few weeks ago, but instead turn it into a meatloaf this weekend. Meatloafs are better at retaining teh juices. And much less labor-intensive than meat balls :-P
And this weekend might finally be the one where I tackle the balcony. B/c soon it will be too warm outside, and its annoying when the cleaning solution evaporates while I'm trying to scrub. Dad took out the large planter that they'd given me a few seasons ago, so that's one less thing to roll around while trying to clean. And another b'day pressie was a couple of small outdoorsy folding tables from Ikea, which will be very easy to put away for future hurricanes. F'ing hurricanes.
I feel so dumb for not using the balcony for anything since it was screened in, in *September*, but that's chronic fatigue for ya :-P. But I'm pretty sure this lagging project is another source of stress for me, and not one that's nearly as difficult to fix as part of me feels it will be. Also, three day weekend, so extra recuperation time.
<3 Chrysilla
Work was a lot quieter than usual on my 12-2 shift, since its the last day of finals and commencement is tomorrow. But a bunch of cough-ers just showed up this afternoon and its starting to get on my nerves. Oh well, can't win. Tomorrow summer hours start and I get to have the same bedtime for more worknights.
Yay, my birthday happened last weekend! I successfully got to be not-at-work on Friday & Monday. Friday I resolved to do as little as possible, and I succeeded. Went out on Saturday to NJ to hang out with family, and it was nice, except that I was a zombie for the whole day. Not sure why, but allergies and weather-pressure seem likely culprits.
Sunday was my proper birfday, and I went to Bareburger and Star Trek with friends in Chelsea, which went surprisingly smoothly. It rained, but all of my plans were indoors, and suddenly I liked the dreary trenchcoat weather again. Yay! And then after the movie went home to think about my life and unwind, figuring I'd quit and kick back while I was ahead. But it was really nice seeing a nice group of friends again, or actually representatives from several different friends groups who are all nice and geeky.
Monday I still had my therapy session, but later in the day, so it was very leisurely until the evening when I had to catch up on my chores. And when I went out to my session it was already too warm to wear jeans, apparently, so I was kinda heatstroked when I got back home. Luckily, I picked up a new air-fan while I was in NJ, so I'm prepared.
Nommed more carefully at Bareburger this time, and just had my lamb burger with a side salad (no grasshoppers this time). Have not yet come down with stomach flu symptoms, so either the sauces and/or peanut oily french fries are evil, or I just had a virus that weekend. *shrugs* I also just need to find a bigger place to accommodate my b'day parties if they're going to continue to involve food. Ironically, the grasshopper-salad location would have had a better seating area for us. And they're still just ... not organized, and kinda jerky. If I'd called at 12:40, they'd save the 'big' table for me, but if I call at 12pm, walk in at 1pm and its just opened, they don't want to hold it for 20 minutes? Blah.
As for the new Star Trek, I liked it but I'm not a diehard Trekster. I get the feeling that this is a movie for the non-diehards b/c there's more of us on this planet, which really sucks for the diehards. Also, whitewashing. But Simon Pegg keeps bein' awesome, OMG Bones, Uhura moxie, and Buckaroo Bonsai in space, so yay.
I said I'd reevaluate my hermit status around my b'day, and as of now I think I'm going to keep going for a couple more weeks. I've figured a lot of stuff out (diet, anxiety, etc), but I still feel like I'm missing something(s). Other things need to be figured out still. Including things I probably haven't thought of yet. Will reevaluate again around June 1st.
Things I've figured out:
-Oh, I *do* have anxiety problems.
-How to start working on my anxiety 'hiccups'.
-There is such a thing as too much fiber. Or so my tummy sez.
-I only really need to eat about 2 lbs of food per day.
-I'm not nearly as emotionally attached to food as I thought I was.
-Gluten still gives me hangovers (I think that's what happened the week after 5/5, sneaky gluten).
-Dairy = dizziness and breakouts.
-Extra magnesium fixes sudden dairy breakouts?
-Allergies = still evil, but not as evil as they used to be.
-I have so much 'bored' time during my work day that I could be using more effectively for side projects, as long as my brain is awake enough to be effective.
-FB f#$%s me up. Distracts me from other things, causes more spaciness and eyestrain headaches. Won't give it up completely, but will cut back.
-Having too many blogs to read stresses me out.
-Writing things down = good.
-Really did need new pillows.
-I do need a social life, but refusing to feel guilty about taking care of myself first has been good for me.
-I really don't need new clothes.
-Planning ahead = less stress later. Or more freedom to not-think, which is good b/c a lot of the time I *can't* think.
-Sewing stresses me out.
-Complicated cooking stresses me out, simple cooking is more worth it.
Not yet figured out:
-Still haven't found a long term way to manage the whole 'awake right before bedtime' thing.
-My internal temperature settings are weird.
-CBT isn't enough for me, identifying the troubling thoughts doesn't always stop the feelings. (Just ordered a book on an emotions-based self therapy to try slightly different approach.)
-Where'd my muse go?
-How can I remember to do things at home like jewelry work and exercise?
-I suck at remembering to meditate.
-Why is my brain still all foggy when my body is awake (money's still on sleep disorder).
-How can I make sewing *not* stress me out?
-How can I make my sleep better when I'm already unconscious?
-I'd like to let go of more past mistakes/traumas. That was easier when I was living my life more actively.
-How do I balance social life with me time?
-Still need to do the phobia exercises in my CBT workbooks. I think those are a large part of my anxieties, and are making it harder for me to feel comfy in my home, which is a big f'ing deal for me.
I think the bottom line is "Brain, y u no wake up?" Present theory is that its the sleep disorder, which is being caused by the anxiety problems. Tho it used to be caused by food sensitivities which I've mostly cleared up. I still show a lot of symptoms of adrenal fatigue (ie, most awake at bedtime), but there's really no treatment for that except to continue getting moar sleeps and eating a balanced diet. Fixing that can take months to years.
And then there's the realization that this may never be *cured*. But in that case, there may still be the possibility to get it *managed*.
As for teh foods, lately I've noticed I'm a lot less emotionally attached to it than I thought I was. I think what I thought was emotional eating was actually more like a compulsion. And whenever I see someone go "Waaah I have to give up bread b/c doctor sez so waaaah" I just wanna punch them. Definitely not nice, but for f@#$s sake, if its your diet or your life, why the f@#$ would you decide to keep the diet that's making you [more] sick?
Food has become more or less just that stuff that I eat so I don't feel hungry. I set out to eat about 2 lbs of it a day, and with my very sedentary lifestyle that seems enough that I don't feel deprived (that may change if/when I'm an active Chrysilla again). I get some pleasure from it, sure, but cravings are few and far between. After experimenting with cheese last week, which was not as awesome as I remember, its even easier to diffuse attatchments/cravings of noms with "Will that really taste as good as you think it will?" Cheese, bread, etc are just no longer a part of my life, and I don't really miss them.
Since hermitting started, I've been more sheltered automatically from the social ramifications of having weird dietary requirements. But when I rejoin society, I'll definitely have to find alternatives to going out for food with ppl.
I haven't had any problems from ppl who think I'm just being a hysterical hypochondriac (at least, not that I'm aware of, behind the back still possible), but I'm expecting it to happen eventually given the small but inevitable reactions to being the token non-drinker. Tho its annoying that even when one can resist bread & cheese, gluten still lurks in all sorts of sneaky places in the American diet. Which means you can't trust any random restaurant not to hurt you.
At the movies on Sunday, some of our party split off to get chocolate before getting to the theater, and the guy who said he'd pick me up something brought back a box of Jaques Torres bon bons, which is what I asked him *not* to get (no way to tell exactly what ingredients they were made with, how much dairy, possibility of gluten, etc). But then I was actually able to RESIST fancy JT chocolates on my own b'day.
The OMG aspect of that moment didn't hit me until later, but OMG. I can resist chocolate to avoid future health problems. OMG!!! I chose health over chocolate! I mean, I've been straightedge since 2008, but I didn't even like alcohol that much to begin with. Resisting chocolate is something I never thought I'd be able to do.
On the other hand, I'm worried that my lack of food-emo may be a side effect of some kind of all-over emotional suppression. Hopefully I just 'got over' my relationship with food.
I've done sho much tarot over the last few weeks that I decided not to do any specifically for my b'day. The Beltane readings covered plenty of 'this oncoming year' stuff. And my brain was a bit foggy, even after such a nice celebration on Sunday. But I still did my weekly forecast:
It seems like:
Yay, new (if somewhat uncomfortable) things!
Yay, building wealth, life patterns, beneficial systems!
Boo, people are jerks! Or maybe my own body is still being a jerk. So maybe new insights into my jerk body. Or continuing to hide myself away, seemingly selfishly to others.
Ironically, its an acupuncture week, and I've been wondering if I should take a break from it for a while b/c (expensive, and) it hasn't seemed to be helping the last few weeks. On the other hand, allergy season is making LOTS of things not help since April. Will ask for allergy needles this week. Tho I also need to reschedule my appointment tomorrow night b/c I didn't think summer hours started until after Memorial Day :-P
As for mundane-ness, I think I'm going to try a spicy meatball recipe that didn't go so great a few weeks ago, but instead turn it into a meatloaf this weekend. Meatloafs are better at retaining teh juices. And much less labor-intensive than meat balls :-P
And this weekend might finally be the one where I tackle the balcony. B/c soon it will be too warm outside, and its annoying when the cleaning solution evaporates while I'm trying to scrub. Dad took out the large planter that they'd given me a few seasons ago, so that's one less thing to roll around while trying to clean. And another b'day pressie was a couple of small outdoorsy folding tables from Ikea, which will be very easy to put away for future hurricanes. F'ing hurricanes.
I feel so dumb for not using the balcony for anything since it was screened in, in *September*, but that's chronic fatigue for ya :-P. But I'm pretty sure this lagging project is another source of stress for me, and not one that's nearly as difficult to fix as part of me feels it will be. Also, three day weekend, so extra recuperation time.
<3 Chrysilla