Where to go from here?
Apr. 19th, 2013 05:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrysillaI'm trying to figure out if this winter was my worst cf time so far, but it's hard to deduce due to two years of brainfog. Which is why I hate the brainfog more than the lethargy. I have more diagnoses to go on now than I did in July 2012, but I feel like I'm the lowest I've been so far. Or is that just this week's extra sickness talking?
Is it worse than last summer, when I finally said "Friends find me a faith healer I'm desperate *ANGST*,"? I don't remember. I know I felt a bit better than that after the lifestyle changes and acupuncture started. But now I feel like there isn't anything left to change in that respect.
On the other hand, I felt a lot better in winter 2012, but I also think that year's winter was a lot milder than the one we just had. And it all dribbled away again by June.
I felt better in December 2012 than I do now, that I'm sure of. But I don't remember where, between then and now, things started to go down hill again. Was it just the cold weather? Does that mean I'll start feeling better soon now that its spring? Last week (pre stomach ick) I felt better than I had since I started hermitting, but still not better than I was in December.
Do I feel worse because I'm getting better, or actually worse? Have all actions to this point fixed some papercuts, but caused/uncovered others?
Also - how long did it take for me to get to this point? Since spring of 2011 when it became noticable, since my last slightly-higher point, or years before I noticed? Then, how long will it take to dig my way back out of this pit? If that's even possible for me?
Argh, too much thinking, on 9 hours of sleep that turned out to be not good enough.
Did have a weird dream last night, tho it wasn't that stressful. I turned up in Bordertown without meaning to go there, with my normal daily purse stuff and about $40 in cash. But typically BT doesn't use human-world cash. I ended up in a shop looking at pretty shiny things, jewels and beads and fabric, thinking that if I was really stuck in BT I should figure out how to make my living. I figured the shop wouldn't take cash, and they said as much, but apparently their fees would be taken in flesh. They had a butcher set up on a landing in the back of the store, but after some deliberation I decided I couldn't afford to lose a finger or a toe, or more, at this time. But I hadn't actually made any deals, so they let me go, no problem.
I found a smaller bookshop that actually took cash, and for $4 bought a Guidebook to Bordertown, a slim small volume like my dayplanner. I had to write on the front page, under a printed heading, what I wanted to know about, and the writing would get absorbed and dissapear and the pages would flip to that thing. While in the bookstore, people outside were panicked b/c on that block the big, inexpensive grocery store had just burned down. Nobody was hurt, but ppl were still upset at the loss of the store. I found a cafe that took cash, but standing outside and looking at their menu I realized that a paleo-ish eater would probably have even more trouble eating out in BT than in NYC.
There was trying to drive a van and being terrible at it later, but I forget why. Something about craziness at the tv studios in BT. B/c that makes so much sense.
So... lost in a new city (but not freaking out, I did know where I was), paying for my livelihood in my own body parts, food & money stress, writing in a book (that looks like my dayplanner) can help me find my way ... OK, those bits are helpful. But it would also have been nice to sleep properly. I have a notion to turn this into a short story (or audio drama, tho the legalities of producing a BT story might be tricky), titled "I'm not even supposed to be here today," with more snark and angst probably.
I felt like my writer demons were waking up again last night, so maybe I'll get to some actual writing work this weekend. However, the cooking demons also woke up and want to make tons of soup instead. Why ... I dunno, I get weird notions. There is actually less required cooking to worry about this weekend, but more laundry.
Also, since the writer demons seem to wake up the most when I'm in the shower, maybe that's where my muse lives/has been hiding. So I should probably clean the bathtub.
Last night I also finally repaired some broken necklaces, including the Eshu necklace, plus some upgrades to the pendant so it hangs properly. Was rewarded with surprisingly fast trains this morning. I went with repair b/c I finally had the FMG order, and I didn't feel awake enough to do new creative things, but I think it worked out in the end. Not sure how I feel about crimps and tiger tail, so I'll stick to other projects until I see how these new/old pieces wear out.
<3 Chrysilla
Is it worse than last summer, when I finally said "Friends find me a faith healer I'm desperate *ANGST*,"? I don't remember. I know I felt a bit better than that after the lifestyle changes and acupuncture started. But now I feel like there isn't anything left to change in that respect.
On the other hand, I felt a lot better in winter 2012, but I also think that year's winter was a lot milder than the one we just had. And it all dribbled away again by June.
I felt better in December 2012 than I do now, that I'm sure of. But I don't remember where, between then and now, things started to go down hill again. Was it just the cold weather? Does that mean I'll start feeling better soon now that its spring? Last week (pre stomach ick) I felt better than I had since I started hermitting, but still not better than I was in December.
Do I feel worse because I'm getting better, or actually worse? Have all actions to this point fixed some papercuts, but caused/uncovered others?
Also - how long did it take for me to get to this point? Since spring of 2011 when it became noticable, since my last slightly-higher point, or years before I noticed? Then, how long will it take to dig my way back out of this pit? If that's even possible for me?
Argh, too much thinking, on 9 hours of sleep that turned out to be not good enough.
Did have a weird dream last night, tho it wasn't that stressful. I turned up in Bordertown without meaning to go there, with my normal daily purse stuff and about $40 in cash. But typically BT doesn't use human-world cash. I ended up in a shop looking at pretty shiny things, jewels and beads and fabric, thinking that if I was really stuck in BT I should figure out how to make my living. I figured the shop wouldn't take cash, and they said as much, but apparently their fees would be taken in flesh. They had a butcher set up on a landing in the back of the store, but after some deliberation I decided I couldn't afford to lose a finger or a toe, or more, at this time. But I hadn't actually made any deals, so they let me go, no problem.
I found a smaller bookshop that actually took cash, and for $4 bought a Guidebook to Bordertown, a slim small volume like my dayplanner. I had to write on the front page, under a printed heading, what I wanted to know about, and the writing would get absorbed and dissapear and the pages would flip to that thing. While in the bookstore, people outside were panicked b/c on that block the big, inexpensive grocery store had just burned down. Nobody was hurt, but ppl were still upset at the loss of the store. I found a cafe that took cash, but standing outside and looking at their menu I realized that a paleo-ish eater would probably have even more trouble eating out in BT than in NYC.
There was trying to drive a van and being terrible at it later, but I forget why. Something about craziness at the tv studios in BT. B/c that makes so much sense.
So... lost in a new city (but not freaking out, I did know where I was), paying for my livelihood in my own body parts, food & money stress, writing in a book (that looks like my dayplanner) can help me find my way ... OK, those bits are helpful. But it would also have been nice to sleep properly. I have a notion to turn this into a short story (or audio drama, tho the legalities of producing a BT story might be tricky), titled "I'm not even supposed to be here today," with more snark and angst probably.
I felt like my writer demons were waking up again last night, so maybe I'll get to some actual writing work this weekend. However, the cooking demons also woke up and want to make tons of soup instead. Why ... I dunno, I get weird notions. There is actually less required cooking to worry about this weekend, but more laundry.
Also, since the writer demons seem to wake up the most when I'm in the shower, maybe that's where my muse lives/has been hiding. So I should probably clean the bathtub.
Last night I also finally repaired some broken necklaces, including the Eshu necklace, plus some upgrades to the pendant so it hangs properly. Was rewarded with surprisingly fast trains this morning. I went with repair b/c I finally had the FMG order, and I didn't feel awake enough to do new creative things, but I think it worked out in the end. Not sure how I feel about crimps and tiger tail, so I'll stick to other projects until I see how these new/old pieces wear out.
<3 Chrysilla
