Two steps forward, ten steps back :-P
May. 30th, 2013 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrysillaBasically all of the other interesting and nice things to come about in the last two days have been overshadowed by waking up this morning to find a big f'ing roach in my front hallway this morning. But b/c the light bulb had gone out yesterday morning, and I hadn't had the energy to fix it last night, I first had to find a flashlight and spray before approaching the ick. I'd also left my boots in the hallway instead of in the closet 2 feet to the left, increasing anxiety, b/c MY BOOTS. After spraying it to death, it took me a half hour to pick it up with large cardboard flats and throw it in a nearby garbage back, then tossed in the garbage room. In the meantime I kept on a steady panic level while getting ready for work, and even put a stepstool *over* the death scene to change the light bulb.
Unfortunately, I wasn't really innured enough with Sedona method, or even far enough along in the book, for it to work that well. And b/c I'd just woken up, I was too groggy & scattered to remember how CBT is supposed to work. Actually, I think I felt more anxious about this kind of thing than usual. This kind of thing is never pleasant, but in this case it was already somewhat immobile when I sprayed it to deth, like it is in many cases, so no further mystery to worry about (except for where it came from, which is always the mystery).
Kept *trying* to do the emotion-release thing I'd been working on the day before with low level emotions. I'd feel a little better, than look to my right and OMG ITS STILL THERE IS IT MOVING OR PLAYING DED AAAAAAAH! So... when one releases an emotion with Sedonia, does that mean I'm having a new bout of emotion? Did I not let it go completely to begin with? Does this method just not work with acute panic attacks or present phobias? The dumb book doesn't seem to have an index. Blegh, darn hippie psych. Later today I read a technique about releasing from an anxiety inducing past event, which may help later given that there is no more bug but I still feel f'ed up, but nothing yet about releasing while the event is still happening.
I looked thru my anxiety-focused CBT book too (it *does* have an index, b/c it's written with ppl with actual psych degrees :-P). Having read recently about exposure/behavior therapy, I wondered why intentionally getting closer to the ick was not "Flooding" me enough to free me from my anxieties. Apparently, in exposure therapy the encounter is supposed to be planned, not random. Whups.
It also probably doesn't help to *wake up* to one of these situations when you don't sleep well to begin with. Its the sort of thing that makes me less confident about possibly working from home one day. On the other hand, if I were already working from home, I could just go out on my nice clean balcony for a while. And then go out and get bug-dedding supplies. And/or hang out in a nearby park that I still haven't visited. Or really *anywhere* in the city to hang out and chill (so to speak, today's high was either 93 or 97 depending on what website ur on). On the other hand, b/c I did have to go to work, I felt more inclined to clean up the mess right away.
And every little weird thing that happened yesterday is coming up as a possible reason for the incursion. B/c I left my boots on the floor (I sucked it up and put my hand into my boot to see if there were any surprises inside, nope, phew). B/c I used the a/c last night. B/c the lightbulb broke (and the fixture still isn't working so well, so I'm worried that's where they're getting in :-P). B/c I have food in the kitchen! More likely its heatwave + bad luck. Blergh.
So tonight Ima go straight home and plug more holes in the bathroom that were missed during the mouse problems. First Ima do an herbal fumigation, b/c bugs hate smoke. Possibly more frantic cleaning to follow, and then some 'releasing' to see if I can sleep in my own home tonite :-/. Should call my neighborhood friend to see if he'd mind me crashing on his couch tonite, in case I can't deal with things. *shrugs* And/or ask him to come over and help me set traps. And make him frozen fruit smoothies, cuz he's a polar bear and this weather can't be fun for him.
Pls, no fun facts about roaches. If you do, you're an jerk, not clever, and not actually helpful given that I'm still in panic mode. However, if you know where in NYC I can find boric acid (been looking for years, never found it) I'd appreciate it.
So before that, Wednesday was shaping up as better/more interesting than Tuesday. I started reading my Sedona book and playing with releasing general low-level background feels, and some pointed in-the-moment feels, and overall my energy started to pick up, and I was up from 2 to 3 by the end of the day. I'd *also* eaten more than 2 lbs of noms by the end of Tuesday (mmm smoothie), so I'm wondering if I should tweak that next week.
I had just enough energy that I wanted to sit out in the park and read more after work, but I had no extra noms after lunch, so first I spend a bunch of time looking for snacks. I went with me-safe potato chips and coconut macaroons, to see what happened. The potato chips didn't give me palpitations this time, so that's nice. But it was so warm and humid that I didn't stay out that long.
However, by the time I got home I was both sugar-wired and sugar-crashing at the same time, and missed my 9hour bedtime mark, so only got 8 hours of sleep last night. But I realized I'd sleep better with the a/c on, so I managed to clean out the filter (mostly), and the a/c actually works! Yay! Tho no condensation last nite to see if my new drip-tray actually works.
And I set my alarm to see if I could still wake up if it went on at 7:45 and off at 8am, instead of 7:30-8am. I basically get up when the clock radio turns itself off, but lately having all that extra waking-up time hasn't really helped. I'm just more likely to fall back asleep. Not that I feel like I slept at all right now :-/
Don't remember how well I slept, actually, I think I woke up a few times, but only halfway, rolled onto my R side (b/c I kept waking up on my L), and going back into somewhat vivid dreams. (Including a version of the recent BBC show The Village, with the same characters/actors but in a modern day setting. ...ok...?) But at no point did I fully wake up in an overheated sweat, so at least there's that. I also replaced some new pillows back with old pillows (washed and drier fluffed), and it seems more comfy now. Apparently I need a squishy pillow on top of a firm pillow. Thanx ever-narrowing comfort zone :-P
And y'know, all this in the wake of my balcony triumph. Remember the good times, lil' anxious Chrysilla...
Still trying to figure out why my anxiety was a lot worse today than it was the last time this exact same thing happened (... I think? dammit brainfog). The Sedonia book sez that when u start releasing emotions, new ones start to pop up that were buried under the others, and stuff can get more intense. Oh F#$% this.
I was considering cutting back on hermitting after this week, but despite possible problems with my chantry now, I really don't feel like I have the energy. Tho b/c this is the first exceptional anxiety attack I've had since I started my energy gauge, I really don't know where I'm at. Everything's a jumble of panic and tired.
And remember when I used to be able to make myself feel better by treating myself to a restaurant dinner for one? Not really possible anymore.
Me = not winning afterall. :-/
<3 Chrysilla
ps, I'm starting to think I should call my "Paleo Diet" template the "1940s Diet" instead. B/c then my inner science geek can stop being so embarrassed.
pps, My neighborhood friend can put me up for the nite if I'm freaking out, but he'll be out for most of the evening. At a restaurant I'm invited to, but I'm not sure I can eat at. So... will succumb to the cleaning-frenzy, see if the Sedona/CBT combo can get me to sleep in my own bed tonite, and if not I'll go sleep on his couch. So that's some yay :-)
Unfortunately, I wasn't really innured enough with Sedona method, or even far enough along in the book, for it to work that well. And b/c I'd just woken up, I was too groggy & scattered to remember how CBT is supposed to work. Actually, I think I felt more anxious about this kind of thing than usual. This kind of thing is never pleasant, but in this case it was already somewhat immobile when I sprayed it to deth, like it is in many cases, so no further mystery to worry about (except for where it came from, which is always the mystery).
Kept *trying* to do the emotion-release thing I'd been working on the day before with low level emotions. I'd feel a little better, than look to my right and OMG ITS STILL THERE IS IT MOVING OR PLAYING DED AAAAAAAH! So... when one releases an emotion with Sedonia, does that mean I'm having a new bout of emotion? Did I not let it go completely to begin with? Does this method just not work with acute panic attacks or present phobias? The dumb book doesn't seem to have an index. Blegh, darn hippie psych. Later today I read a technique about releasing from an anxiety inducing past event, which may help later given that there is no more bug but I still feel f'ed up, but nothing yet about releasing while the event is still happening.
I looked thru my anxiety-focused CBT book too (it *does* have an index, b/c it's written with ppl with actual psych degrees :-P). Having read recently about exposure/behavior therapy, I wondered why intentionally getting closer to the ick was not "Flooding" me enough to free me from my anxieties. Apparently, in exposure therapy the encounter is supposed to be planned, not random. Whups.
It also probably doesn't help to *wake up* to one of these situations when you don't sleep well to begin with. Its the sort of thing that makes me less confident about possibly working from home one day. On the other hand, if I were already working from home, I could just go out on my nice clean balcony for a while. And then go out and get bug-dedding supplies. And/or hang out in a nearby park that I still haven't visited. Or really *anywhere* in the city to hang out and chill (so to speak, today's high was either 93 or 97 depending on what website ur on). On the other hand, b/c I did have to go to work, I felt more inclined to clean up the mess right away.
And every little weird thing that happened yesterday is coming up as a possible reason for the incursion. B/c I left my boots on the floor (I sucked it up and put my hand into my boot to see if there were any surprises inside, nope, phew). B/c I used the a/c last night. B/c the lightbulb broke (and the fixture still isn't working so well, so I'm worried that's where they're getting in :-P). B/c I have food in the kitchen! More likely its heatwave + bad luck. Blergh.
So tonight Ima go straight home and plug more holes in the bathroom that were missed during the mouse problems. First Ima do an herbal fumigation, b/c bugs hate smoke. Possibly more frantic cleaning to follow, and then some 'releasing' to see if I can sleep in my own home tonite :-/. Should call my neighborhood friend to see if he'd mind me crashing on his couch tonite, in case I can't deal with things. *shrugs* And/or ask him to come over and help me set traps. And make him frozen fruit smoothies, cuz he's a polar bear and this weather can't be fun for him.
Pls, no fun facts about roaches. If you do, you're an jerk, not clever, and not actually helpful given that I'm still in panic mode. However, if you know where in NYC I can find boric acid (been looking for years, never found it) I'd appreciate it.
So before that, Wednesday was shaping up as better/more interesting than Tuesday. I started reading my Sedona book and playing with releasing general low-level background feels, and some pointed in-the-moment feels, and overall my energy started to pick up, and I was up from 2 to 3 by the end of the day. I'd *also* eaten more than 2 lbs of noms by the end of Tuesday (mmm smoothie), so I'm wondering if I should tweak that next week.
I had just enough energy that I wanted to sit out in the park and read more after work, but I had no extra noms after lunch, so first I spend a bunch of time looking for snacks. I went with me-safe potato chips and coconut macaroons, to see what happened. The potato chips didn't give me palpitations this time, so that's nice. But it was so warm and humid that I didn't stay out that long.
However, by the time I got home I was both sugar-wired and sugar-crashing at the same time, and missed my 9hour bedtime mark, so only got 8 hours of sleep last night. But I realized I'd sleep better with the a/c on, so I managed to clean out the filter (mostly), and the a/c actually works! Yay! Tho no condensation last nite to see if my new drip-tray actually works.
And I set my alarm to see if I could still wake up if it went on at 7:45 and off at 8am, instead of 7:30-8am. I basically get up when the clock radio turns itself off, but lately having all that extra waking-up time hasn't really helped. I'm just more likely to fall back asleep. Not that I feel like I slept at all right now :-/
Don't remember how well I slept, actually, I think I woke up a few times, but only halfway, rolled onto my R side (b/c I kept waking up on my L), and going back into somewhat vivid dreams. (Including a version of the recent BBC show The Village, with the same characters/actors but in a modern day setting. ...ok...?) But at no point did I fully wake up in an overheated sweat, so at least there's that. I also replaced some new pillows back with old pillows (washed and drier fluffed), and it seems more comfy now. Apparently I need a squishy pillow on top of a firm pillow. Thanx ever-narrowing comfort zone :-P
And y'know, all this in the wake of my balcony triumph. Remember the good times, lil' anxious Chrysilla...
Still trying to figure out why my anxiety was a lot worse today than it was the last time this exact same thing happened (... I think? dammit brainfog). The Sedonia book sez that when u start releasing emotions, new ones start to pop up that were buried under the others, and stuff can get more intense. Oh F#$% this.
I was considering cutting back on hermitting after this week, but despite possible problems with my chantry now, I really don't feel like I have the energy. Tho b/c this is the first exceptional anxiety attack I've had since I started my energy gauge, I really don't know where I'm at. Everything's a jumble of panic and tired.
And remember when I used to be able to make myself feel better by treating myself to a restaurant dinner for one? Not really possible anymore.
Me = not winning afterall. :-/
<3 Chrysilla
ps, I'm starting to think I should call my "Paleo Diet" template the "1940s Diet" instead. B/c then my inner science geek can stop being so embarrassed.
pps, My neighborhood friend can put me up for the nite if I'm freaking out, but he'll be out for most of the evening. At a restaurant I'm invited to, but I'm not sure I can eat at. So... will succumb to the cleaning-frenzy, see if the Sedona/CBT combo can get me to sleep in my own bed tonite, and if not I'll go sleep on his couch. So that's some yay :-)
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Date: 5/30/13 10:31 pm (UTC)Sudden hikes in temperature always bring problems like this in my building.