"Follow her, she speaks in sentences..."
Nov. 4th, 2013 09:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrysillaHaving another very brain-foggy Monday. Not sure if this is due to a post-Halloween sugar crash, a weekend cleaning binge, or the DST time traveling yesterday. Or if its just a normal Monday. *shrugs*
Today I impulse-bought a pendant from a friend's jewelry shop called "Saturn Return". I had not realized that amethyst and fluorite were Saturnine stones. (And luckily, there was room in the budget for it :-P) This helped motivate me to look more into Saturn-focused sorcery, which I've been drifting into b/c of the greatest caveat of magic: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Illness and fatigue are also very Saturnine themes. So I'm looking into the more proactive aspects of that planetary/deity aspect to see if there's something I'm missing. And one of the proactive bits: Following a restrictive diet. The archetype has clearly embraced me, so maybe I should make sure I'm not fighting it and making myself more tired. And obviously it started in the later half of my Saturn Return, although it didn't end when the transit did.
Other Saturn aspects- boundaries, limitations, law giving, and being 'The Boss'.
I've definitely been The Boss at other times in my life. I can't really figure out whether it's worked out in the past or not. As for boundaries, this blog post brings up an interesting point- Saturn is ruler of boundaries, so he's the one to go to for *changing* one's personal boundaries. Mars + Saturn is for culling and pruning one's life to make room for the more important things. Venus + Saturn is apparently for expanding those boundaries.
Looking at my astrological chart is ... mixed. Mars & Saturn both live in Libra, where Saturn is exhalted and Mars is F'ed. Likewise is Venus in Aries. But Saturn is at 16 degrees Libra, and if it had been at 15 I would apparently have been in possession of superhero levels of balance. Or something. Maybe almost helps, if it doesn't entirely count.
Actually, with Mars & Saturn together, its a wonder it took me so long to discover Discardia. I'm not sure if Venus will help while badly aspected tho, or if planetary sorcery is so inhibited by one's personal chart. V&M aren't in direct opposition to each other, so not sure if I'll have problems pitting clearing space against expanding boundaries or what.
Then again, there are different sorts of boundaries. The ones I was more focused on at first were those that keep me limited in 'spoons'. But as I mulled it over, especially remembering my past leadership experiences, boundaries are also something you set between you and other people. One of the big drains in that first bad leadership experience was that I had trouble setting up boundaries against others.
Some players came into the larp scene who had to game as often as possible, so they wanted me to run the game every day of the week in one form or another. Eventually I was, b/c they'd assured me that I was their favorite, bestest friend in the whole wide world. But then those same people organized into a lynch-mob when I drew the line against running my game their way. How dare I put a boundary on my own work? *sigh* Not to mention it forced me and my ex to keep working together 24/7, and while we had separated amicably in the middle of our game's run, we could have used more time apart to ourselves to figure things out instead of pandering to our obsessive players. Could have used a wider boundary there as well. And very few people were defending me & my ex against the bullying, so I left to find more respect elsewhere. Nobody's called me an unreasonable monster before that summer, or since. *shrugs*
Not so surprisingly, that clique systematically burnt out and/or lynched all the other GMs in the community, now its collapsed b/c nobody has the energy to run games. That's what inevitably happens when someone is only your friend b/c they want something from you, it's just extra ridiculous when what they want is imaginary treasure in an rpg campaign. So yeah... boundaries. Also between fantasy and reality I guess, between the lies and the truths.
That definitely had an effect on my inability to knit myself into the improv scene. I could tell kool-aid was on offer and I was not in the mood. And while the improv scene boasts undying friendship, I saw little of people trying to back those claims up to *me*. There are definitely good people there, but everyone is so overworked with too-many-projects syndrome. Or inability-to-set-boundaries syndrome. There were other issues as well, but these were the Saturnine bits.
Back on the Bossy side of things, being the leader in some groups is hard when you're surrounded by unstable and unreliable people, and that leads to massive energy drain. But in the future I wonder what would happen if I consciously *chose* stable people to involve in my projects. Some people not involved may cry favoritism, but what obligation am I under to involve people in my projects who haven't ever been reliable to me? I have drawn the line up front this time, respect it or GTFO. I don't have the energy to deal with your whining, which is why you were not invited. *FOOT STOMP*
Yeah... I think I could get behind a more Saturnine disposition. I'd actually been thinking about it before, but not in terms of this archetype which makes it so much clearer. Even before the gamer-mob, I tended towards the path of least resistance b/c it seemed easier. And continued, b/c it meant spending less energy once I turned spoonie. Now I know the value of planning in advance towards spoon-saving later on. "I don't actually need to readdress this. It was already in the contract. Here it is to read again."
Now, I wonder at how ppl will react to my laying down the law early to avoid drama later on. I'm not really worried about it, b/c the people who know me know what I've been through, and I think the people whom I want to work with in the future would respect me and mah shiny new boundaries. But I'm still curious about what happens next. The world outside is often unkind to lady lawgivers.
Overall, I've seen that socializing does increase my energy (esp now that my makeup isn't secretly poisoning me). Not sure if *responsibility* for projects and other ppl will have the same effect tho. TruGeek was kindof a let down in that department, but then that wasn't a very structured project. Even my co-show-runner almost flaked two out of three events, but our DJ was always reliable, so give it 50/50? And my podcasting project won't require me to lug heavy things and lure an unreliable group of costumed people to a yuppie nightclub once a month. This is much more low-key.
The Saturn studies coincide today with articles about "omg occult is sho popular again!" Um... it never really stops being popular, but OK. Its making me wonder if I should try again to get into professional tarot reading. Tho I'd be a Saturnine fortune teller. Not "Here's what you want to hear in a floofily mysteirous tone" but "Hello I am your pseudo spiritual life coach *SMACK*". Everyone likes edgy now, right? Meh.
In other news, last week was pretty mixed. Due to FB being buggy I went to see Frankenstein alone on Wednesday nite (my friend didn't get my message in time to buy her own ticket before they were sold out, dumb FB). But I met up with another friend in a cafe afterwards, esp since I didn't have to be at work until 1:30pm the next day, so that was nice except that he's been having a rough month.
Thursday was OK work-wise, and actually less busy than Monday night, but I'm not sure if that was normal or just b/c Halloween. When I got out in my lazy costume, I decided to walk instead of fighting my way to the train, and it made for an overly long walk. To a pagan gathering where the venue had royally screwed over the poor coven, so shows and ritual were a bit awkward. Actually, crowded circles aren't a problem for me, and I was actually getting pretty into it.
But I'd forgotten about the "cakes and ale" portion of Wiccan rituals (esp since they didn't include that last time) and things got more awkward. And then *even more* awkward when they said "Don't worry, the ginger snaps are gluten free!" but they'd mixed them in with regular cookies. After that, I didn't really trust all the fresh cut up fruit, since I don't know where else the knife and plates had been. Was brought out of happy ritual mode and back down to mundane reality with an uncomfortable thud. Oh well, better luck next Samhain.
Friday I had off so I could go to my late-night religious observance, and that was pretty nice. I'd spent more spoons than I realized (or maybe I had, it was a f'ing long walk), but managed to get my monthly CostCo run in for the afternoon. And then did a lot of bookkeeping b/c I didn't have the energy to do my laundry. I've revamped my bookkeeping and spreadsheets for 2014, and that was as much excitement as I had energy for :-P Also managed some tidying up of my desk and sewing supplies.
Saturday I woke up from a straight 12 hours of sleep, which has not happened to me in a very long time. And after waking up, I actually felt pretty good. I'm not sure how any of this happened. Unsurprisingly, I took that energy and burned it all up after launching into a cleaning frenzy. I have a big cardboard box sitting on top of my printer, where I toss in all of the things to be filed. Bills, medical forms, receipts, etc. And its been filling up since April. So that took hours on its own. Also reorganized the 'pantry' closet, put more stuff in the Discardia basket, & swiffered the floors.
Unfortunately, this left me too tired for the 90 minute train ride to Brooklyn for a friend's 'lets hang out and watch Halloween movies' event. Dammit. On the other hand, I cleared up 6 or 7 months of accumulated clutter. I guess if I hadn't been feeling better, I wouldn't have been able to burn myself out so... that's good, right? *sigh*
Also, this time of year at CostCo is when they put a giant stack of slightly-fancier chocolates in the seasonal display section. So I gave myself a $20 limit for Chrysilla friendly noms... and $20 worth was really all they had. I got Almond Rocca (a butter toffee with almonds and chocolate thing, labeled GF) and Baci chocolates (which weren't gf labeled, but seem well recommended by gf folks online), and kept eating them all weekend. So while my sugar intake probably didn't even compare to most ppls, it was still a lot for me.
Sunday felt a bit unfair, I'd spent all of Saturday doing once-off big chores, so I had to catch up on all my every-week chores instead of doing fun things. Not that I had the energy for much fun, b/c Saturday night I was back to my uncomfortable sleep patterns. Meh. At least I managed to break out the mini cauldron and do some incense-cleansing to chase the mundane cleaning. That was kinda fun.
Also watched a lot of Burn Notice on Saturday, and switched to Leverage on Sunday b/c its FINALLY on Netflix instant. I'd only really seen S1 all the way through, now I can watch the rest without waiting for disks or torrenting viruses. Yaaaay. They're good "in the background while I'm working" shows.
Unfortunately, I did not remember that next weekend I won't *be* home, so I'll have to get ahead of my weekly chores this week after work. Including setting up my food situation for the weekend trip itself. At least the house is clean?
I haven't seen many interesting social offerings on my calendar yet, so I should be fine taking the week to myself, and then socializing like crazy at my friend's wedding this Sunday. I hope. They've been wonderful about having gluten free options, so hopefully that all works out for me. And I finally remembered to cancel the extra hotel reservation tonite, go me.
Also, during the weekend's cleaning/filing frenzy I FINALLY found the GI referral. Will call tomorrow and set up an appointment.
During the weekend I kept eating the chocolates I'd picked up, which were actually not dairy free. And I kept forgetting to take a lactase pill after, but I did eventually. Today I didn't take one at all, and when I remembered I had a bit of a tummy twinge, but otherwise not explosions. So either my lactose intolerance is less intolerant, or there wasn't much dairy in those candies to begin with. Either way, more questions about my insides, I hope this new doc is ready for the onslaught.
<3 Chrysilla
Today I impulse-bought a pendant from a friend's jewelry shop called "Saturn Return". I had not realized that amethyst and fluorite were Saturnine stones. (And luckily, there was room in the budget for it :-P) This helped motivate me to look more into Saturn-focused sorcery, which I've been drifting into b/c of the greatest caveat of magic: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Illness and fatigue are also very Saturnine themes. So I'm looking into the more proactive aspects of that planetary/deity aspect to see if there's something I'm missing. And one of the proactive bits: Following a restrictive diet. The archetype has clearly embraced me, so maybe I should make sure I'm not fighting it and making myself more tired. And obviously it started in the later half of my Saturn Return, although it didn't end when the transit did.
Other Saturn aspects- boundaries, limitations, law giving, and being 'The Boss'.
I've definitely been The Boss at other times in my life. I can't really figure out whether it's worked out in the past or not. As for boundaries, this blog post brings up an interesting point- Saturn is ruler of boundaries, so he's the one to go to for *changing* one's personal boundaries. Mars + Saturn is for culling and pruning one's life to make room for the more important things. Venus + Saturn is apparently for expanding those boundaries.
Looking at my astrological chart is ... mixed. Mars & Saturn both live in Libra, where Saturn is exhalted and Mars is F'ed. Likewise is Venus in Aries. But Saturn is at 16 degrees Libra, and if it had been at 15 I would apparently have been in possession of superhero levels of balance. Or something. Maybe almost helps, if it doesn't entirely count.
Actually, with Mars & Saturn together, its a wonder it took me so long to discover Discardia. I'm not sure if Venus will help while badly aspected tho, or if planetary sorcery is so inhibited by one's personal chart. V&M aren't in direct opposition to each other, so not sure if I'll have problems pitting clearing space against expanding boundaries or what.
Then again, there are different sorts of boundaries. The ones I was more focused on at first were those that keep me limited in 'spoons'. But as I mulled it over, especially remembering my past leadership experiences, boundaries are also something you set between you and other people. One of the big drains in that first bad leadership experience was that I had trouble setting up boundaries against others.
Some players came into the larp scene who had to game as often as possible, so they wanted me to run the game every day of the week in one form or another. Eventually I was, b/c they'd assured me that I was their favorite, bestest friend in the whole wide world. But then those same people organized into a lynch-mob when I drew the line against running my game their way. How dare I put a boundary on my own work? *sigh* Not to mention it forced me and my ex to keep working together 24/7, and while we had separated amicably in the middle of our game's run, we could have used more time apart to ourselves to figure things out instead of pandering to our obsessive players. Could have used a wider boundary there as well. And very few people were defending me & my ex against the bullying, so I left to find more respect elsewhere. Nobody's called me an unreasonable monster before that summer, or since. *shrugs*
Not so surprisingly, that clique systematically burnt out and/or lynched all the other GMs in the community, now its collapsed b/c nobody has the energy to run games. That's what inevitably happens when someone is only your friend b/c they want something from you, it's just extra ridiculous when what they want is imaginary treasure in an rpg campaign. So yeah... boundaries. Also between fantasy and reality I guess, between the lies and the truths.
That definitely had an effect on my inability to knit myself into the improv scene. I could tell kool-aid was on offer and I was not in the mood. And while the improv scene boasts undying friendship, I saw little of people trying to back those claims up to *me*. There are definitely good people there, but everyone is so overworked with too-many-projects syndrome. Or inability-to-set-boundaries syndrome. There were other issues as well, but these were the Saturnine bits.
Back on the Bossy side of things, being the leader in some groups is hard when you're surrounded by unstable and unreliable people, and that leads to massive energy drain. But in the future I wonder what would happen if I consciously *chose* stable people to involve in my projects. Some people not involved may cry favoritism, but what obligation am I under to involve people in my projects who haven't ever been reliable to me? I have drawn the line up front this time, respect it or GTFO. I don't have the energy to deal with your whining, which is why you were not invited. *FOOT STOMP*
Yeah... I think I could get behind a more Saturnine disposition. I'd actually been thinking about it before, but not in terms of this archetype which makes it so much clearer. Even before the gamer-mob, I tended towards the path of least resistance b/c it seemed easier. And continued, b/c it meant spending less energy once I turned spoonie. Now I know the value of planning in advance towards spoon-saving later on. "I don't actually need to readdress this. It was already in the contract. Here it is to read again."
Now, I wonder at how ppl will react to my laying down the law early to avoid drama later on. I'm not really worried about it, b/c the people who know me know what I've been through, and I think the people whom I want to work with in the future would respect me and mah shiny new boundaries. But I'm still curious about what happens next. The world outside is often unkind to lady lawgivers.
Overall, I've seen that socializing does increase my energy (esp now that my makeup isn't secretly poisoning me). Not sure if *responsibility* for projects and other ppl will have the same effect tho. TruGeek was kindof a let down in that department, but then that wasn't a very structured project. Even my co-show-runner almost flaked two out of three events, but our DJ was always reliable, so give it 50/50? And my podcasting project won't require me to lug heavy things and lure an unreliable group of costumed people to a yuppie nightclub once a month. This is much more low-key.
The Saturn studies coincide today with articles about "omg occult is sho popular again!" Um... it never really stops being popular, but OK. Its making me wonder if I should try again to get into professional tarot reading. Tho I'd be a Saturnine fortune teller. Not "Here's what you want to hear in a floofily mysteirous tone" but "Hello I am your pseudo spiritual life coach *SMACK*". Everyone likes edgy now, right? Meh.
In other news, last week was pretty mixed. Due to FB being buggy I went to see Frankenstein alone on Wednesday nite (my friend didn't get my message in time to buy her own ticket before they were sold out, dumb FB). But I met up with another friend in a cafe afterwards, esp since I didn't have to be at work until 1:30pm the next day, so that was nice except that he's been having a rough month.
Thursday was OK work-wise, and actually less busy than Monday night, but I'm not sure if that was normal or just b/c Halloween. When I got out in my lazy costume, I decided to walk instead of fighting my way to the train, and it made for an overly long walk. To a pagan gathering where the venue had royally screwed over the poor coven, so shows and ritual were a bit awkward. Actually, crowded circles aren't a problem for me, and I was actually getting pretty into it.
But I'd forgotten about the "cakes and ale" portion of Wiccan rituals (esp since they didn't include that last time) and things got more awkward. And then *even more* awkward when they said "Don't worry, the ginger snaps are gluten free!" but they'd mixed them in with regular cookies. After that, I didn't really trust all the fresh cut up fruit, since I don't know where else the knife and plates had been. Was brought out of happy ritual mode and back down to mundane reality with an uncomfortable thud. Oh well, better luck next Samhain.
Friday I had off so I could go to my late-night religious observance, and that was pretty nice. I'd spent more spoons than I realized (or maybe I had, it was a f'ing long walk), but managed to get my monthly CostCo run in for the afternoon. And then did a lot of bookkeeping b/c I didn't have the energy to do my laundry. I've revamped my bookkeeping and spreadsheets for 2014, and that was as much excitement as I had energy for :-P Also managed some tidying up of my desk and sewing supplies.
Saturday I woke up from a straight 12 hours of sleep, which has not happened to me in a very long time. And after waking up, I actually felt pretty good. I'm not sure how any of this happened. Unsurprisingly, I took that energy and burned it all up after launching into a cleaning frenzy. I have a big cardboard box sitting on top of my printer, where I toss in all of the things to be filed. Bills, medical forms, receipts, etc. And its been filling up since April. So that took hours on its own. Also reorganized the 'pantry' closet, put more stuff in the Discardia basket, & swiffered the floors.
Unfortunately, this left me too tired for the 90 minute train ride to Brooklyn for a friend's 'lets hang out and watch Halloween movies' event. Dammit. On the other hand, I cleared up 6 or 7 months of accumulated clutter. I guess if I hadn't been feeling better, I wouldn't have been able to burn myself out so... that's good, right? *sigh*
Also, this time of year at CostCo is when they put a giant stack of slightly-fancier chocolates in the seasonal display section. So I gave myself a $20 limit for Chrysilla friendly noms... and $20 worth was really all they had. I got Almond Rocca (a butter toffee with almonds and chocolate thing, labeled GF) and Baci chocolates (which weren't gf labeled, but seem well recommended by gf folks online), and kept eating them all weekend. So while my sugar intake probably didn't even compare to most ppls, it was still a lot for me.
Sunday felt a bit unfair, I'd spent all of Saturday doing once-off big chores, so I had to catch up on all my every-week chores instead of doing fun things. Not that I had the energy for much fun, b/c Saturday night I was back to my uncomfortable sleep patterns. Meh. At least I managed to break out the mini cauldron and do some incense-cleansing to chase the mundane cleaning. That was kinda fun.
Also watched a lot of Burn Notice on Saturday, and switched to Leverage on Sunday b/c its FINALLY on Netflix instant. I'd only really seen S1 all the way through, now I can watch the rest without waiting for disks or torrenting viruses. Yaaaay. They're good "in the background while I'm working" shows.
Unfortunately, I did not remember that next weekend I won't *be* home, so I'll have to get ahead of my weekly chores this week after work. Including setting up my food situation for the weekend trip itself. At least the house is clean?
I haven't seen many interesting social offerings on my calendar yet, so I should be fine taking the week to myself, and then socializing like crazy at my friend's wedding this Sunday. I hope. They've been wonderful about having gluten free options, so hopefully that all works out for me. And I finally remembered to cancel the extra hotel reservation tonite, go me.
Also, during the weekend's cleaning/filing frenzy I FINALLY found the GI referral. Will call tomorrow and set up an appointment.
During the weekend I kept eating the chocolates I'd picked up, which were actually not dairy free. And I kept forgetting to take a lactase pill after, but I did eventually. Today I didn't take one at all, and when I remembered I had a bit of a tummy twinge, but otherwise not explosions. So either my lactose intolerance is less intolerant, or there wasn't much dairy in those candies to begin with. Either way, more questions about my insides, I hope this new doc is ready for the onslaught.
<3 Chrysilla